When Commitment 'Ends in Tears'

Too often in life we are so numb to what something is costing us that we have no incentive to transform the situation. The cost has become such a familiar part of life that it no longer lives for us as a cost, it is simply something that is a part of us and our daily life.

And I get it. There was so long where fear of getting it wrong or looking bad held me back that they became my go to habits.?

‘What if it goes wrong?’, ‘What if I fail?’, ‘What if it doesn’t go to plan?’ These concerns were pervasive.

They kept me stopped. Literally they were a stop sign which stayed front and centre. Just as I was about to choose to head into the congestion and traffic, something else would come up and the Stop sign would be back in front of me again.

That didn’t stop others from rushing past and taking charge of their situation. But clearly I didn’t have what they had. I hadn’t been given the tools to be decisive.

I guess it’s because I have an analytic mind.?

Does that expression sound familiar to you??

That categorisation we like to use to describe people who are deep thinkers.?

Honestly, what a bunch of BS.?

What does it even mean to be a deep thinker?

Consider that being a deep thinker is no different from being one of billions of people on the planet. They have thoughts and then they have more thoughts about the things which they have come to associate with those thoughts.

And then some of them then talk about those thoughts at the pub, they can tell you every key statistic around the premier league season. They can tell you exactly which players their team needs to build a title winning squad because they have thought about this at length.

Or they are the person who has read every Potter book cover to cover, front and back and they are predicting what will happen next before each new book is released, but they have also figured out what Ron, Hermione and Harry’s lives would be like now if the books were still being written.?

Or they are the person who ponders over every word that a writer has written and they deconstruct the meaning, seeking to figure out the right interpretation or the best interpretation given their own beliefs and prejudices.?

So what is the errant assumption behind some people being deep thinkers and others not?

It is simple, your brain is mainly not for thinking, it is for predicting. This is what acclaimed neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett writes in her book 7 Stories about the Brain.?

If the brain is not mainly for thinking but for predicting, then either there is a vast difference between who we are and our brain or the alternative is: We are all deep thinkers or none of us are deep thinkers.

Consider that idea for a moment.

We have been taught to categorise people by the depth of their thought, but yet everyone has deep thoughts. These thoughts are simply not all about the same things, and our biases in society have created this divide called deep thinker vs shallow thinker.

Imagine instead that what brings forth more and more thoughts about the same phenomenon is just a stacking on what in flow science they call intrinsic motivators. The more you experience a combination of curiosity and expertise about a subject the more you have more and more thoughts which stack in related ways back to those things which invoke either your expertise or curiosity.

So if we are all deep thinkers because deep thoughts are just a stacking of other thoughts which are related, then we are also all analytic thinkers.?

Why? Because to be a human being is to interpret. FULL STOP.

I invite you to pause and look for a moment, is there anywhere in life where you find interpretation is not at the forefront of your thoughts?

Why has that person not got back to me?

Did I offend them?

Would the comma be better in or out??

If I leave now, I will still be able to make the appointment on time.

What is time anyway, it is not real so who cares if I am a bit late.?

What on earth is this guy talking about, this is truly bizarre?

Can you see all of this is in the realm of interpretation?

Interpretation is going to be ever present, it's quite simply in the background of your thoughts whether you are aware of it or not. But there is a massive difference between giving significance to every interpretation you have and actually living a life you choose.

Werner Erhard would call this a separation between living life in the stands vs on the court.

On the court is where all the action happens, where decisions are made. In the stands is where we reflect on the decisions we are weighing up. We ruminate, we ponder, and we figure it out.

It is a difference between being a passenger in your own journey vs being the driver, choosing the direction and carefully navigating speed bumps. Now you may be thinking that sounds lovely, but how can I be in the driver’s seat of my life? So let’s take a look at this.

I was working with a guy who was dealing with indecision around starting his business. What was the key challenge he was facing in that moment?

He was unsure of what name to register the company with. He was afraid if he committed to a name and he chose the wrong name then he would regret it.?

What was showing up inside of this fear was inaction. Lots of busy work. You know the kind where you are constantly doing something but you are not moving forward with any of the critical decisions which make the difference in your life or the state of your business.

If you have ever experienced coaching before you are likely aware there is the presenting problem and then there is what lies behind this. In this case the problem had little to do with his business and everything to do with how he saw commitment.

Once we uncovered the context in which he saw commitment, namely ‘commitment ends in tears’ we were able to see the source of this belief in a small child. Something had happened and the meaning constructed and the interpretation this event had was ‘commitment ends in tears’.

Now when you make a decision what are you doing?

Well there may be multiple things which come to mind, but consider that one thing you are doing is committing.

Commitment though for lots of people is a scary word with an inherent significance. And it’s scary because what underlies it is a fear that things will not work out.

Why? Because things have worked out badly in the past and they now avoid putting themselves in situations in the future where things can work out badly.

Does any of this sound familiar?

But whilst commitment has a dictionary definition it has no inherent significance. There is only the significance you give it. Just like the word ‘no’ has no inherent significance beyond what we give it. But we can save that discussion for another day.

Commitment is an act of saying yes to someone or some thing. It could be saying yes to something which is temporary or it could be something which is permanent.

It all depends on how you interpret the act. So if you see choosing the name of a company as a life commitment then getting it right, whatever that means, suddenly looks like a more significant and weighty choice.

If, however, we see commitment as NOW not necessarily forever, then we can more easily remove the fear around what it means to commit. By contrast, if commitment means being stuck in your choice then it can easily feel burdensome, and you can feel constrained and ironically like you no longer have a choice.

It’s as if you have gone from being the driver on this journey to the passenger. So how did I help this guy get back into the driver's seat? We got to the source of the context around commitment and he saw the indecision it brought not just in this arena, his business, but in life.

Everywhere commitment was a possibility, the belief that showed up was that ‘commitment ends in tears’. So long as he held onto that belief that was how ‘commitment’ looked. What it brought was indecision and fear of making the choice.

Have you ever feared making the wrong choice and being stopped from really going for what you want?

If you have, then I invite you to ask yourself what would it look like to play full out and actually commit to my dreams being worth it, for my dreams to become a reality. No longer simply watching those around you seemingly succeed or make it, but kicking fear to the curb and getting into the driver's seat.

What would that make available to you?

I will tell you what it made available to this guy, he committed to a name - knowing that was NOW and what aligned with NOW. He came up with a new belief. Commitment no longer ended in tears, rather ‘Commitment was an opportunity.’

Inside of that opportunity he is now making his dream a reality, impacting the field where he’s an expert and has something unique to offer the world. He’s not stopped by fear, he recognises it when it rears its head, but he keeps moving forward. He has broken past a default mode of being and acting in the world.?

If this resonates with you and you would like some support exploring breaking past default ways of being, then I invite you to Apply for a Who Are You Really conversation.

My commitment to you is that this conversation be a catalyst for altering the trajectory of your life.