When it comes to virtual communication, questions are the answer

It was 2008 and I was wandering around the bustling alleyways of Hanoi in Vietnam. Every turn revealed more street vendors, tantalising food aromas and dazzling colour.

When it came time to leave, I found it impossible to get my bearings. Armed with an old-fashioned paper map, I was trying to make out the twists and turns of the tiny streets to find my way back to my hotel.

After a while I gave up and decided to ask for help - which is where the fun really started. Every person I consulted seemed to have a different view of which direction I should take – and nothing was leading me closer to my destination.

Eventually I worked out they didn’t know the answer either – but, rather than admit the fact, they were taking a stab in the dark.

Do you ask enough questions? I’m aware that throughout my life, I’ve wasted time and energy by not asking questions at the right time – or asking the right questions of the wrong people.

Slowly working things out for myself has sometimes cost me opportunities. In other cases I’ve lost focus or momentum by following misguided suggestions from well-intentioned people.

Life doesn’t have to be like that. As the Chinese proverb says, “He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.”

Put additional barriers in the way of good communication – like being physically distanced in our work and other relationships - and questions become even more critical.

Think about it. You’re stuck in your fifth Zoom meeting of the day and everyone is well and truly over it. According to HBR, most people don’t understand how beneficial good questioning can be. The right question at the right time can nudge the conversation to a positive result.

Taking the lead by asking questions can mark you as an influential communicator and open up new dynamics in a virtual interaction. I’ve found that three types of questions work paticularly well.

Reflective questions

This is where you paraphrase what has just been said and add a question of your own. For example, you could say something like, “It sounds like we’re getting closer to a decision. What do you see as a next step?”

Be aware, though, that the answer might be heavily influenced by how many people are in the conversation. As HBR reports, “Not only is the willingness to answer questions affected simply by the presence of others, but members of the group tend to follow one another’s lead.”

That’s why one question mightn’t be enough.

Expansive questions

You may need to follow up with a simple question that will take the conversation further, like “What else…?” The key here is to have the courage to remain silent after the question has been asked, rather than jumping in if you only get crickets in response.

One of the drawbacks of virtual meetings is that, without having access to the full range of non-verbal cues, silences can seem to drag on for much longer than they actually are.

Give people time to digest and think. The power of the pause can be profound in getting to a more valuable answer.

Directive questions

Questions might be a powerful tool for unlocking value in a meeting or conversation, but used clumsily they can also lead to vague discussions that don’t go anywhere. This is where directive questions come into their own.

A directive question helps move people towards a decision without prompting them in any specific way. For example, you could ask, “What are our top three options for moving to the next stage?”

The RUOK? movement favours directive questions for checking in on someone’s mental state. It’s not enough to ask them if they’re OK and listen to their answer – although these steps are a great start. Under the RUOK? framework, the third stage involves encouraging action, for example asking, “What’s one thing you could do in this situation?” Rather than directly telling them what to do, it’s creating an environment that helps them come up with a next step.

Regardless of the type of question you ask, unlike my Lost in Hanoi adventure you’ll do better by asking early and probing further if the answers don’t ring true.

Communicating in virtual environments requires more energy and focus. You’ll build rapport, create clarity and shift the results by taking the lead when it comes to quality questions.

Dr Neryl East is a professional speaker and facilitator who shows current and future leaders how to be heard, stand out and command influence. Connect with her:https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/neryleast/