When it Comes to Gender Equity, Men have an Important Responsibility: Practicing Allyship

“I noticed a senior leader – a woman – being interrupted and dismissed by her male counterpart – but she’s such a rockstar in her own right, I didn’t think she needed my help…”

“I want to help but it requires me to challenge and push back against the most senior leaders in my organization – I see a lot of this [biased] behavior concentrated at the top-most levels and it’s a risk for me to speak up.” 

“Being an ally feels like an unknown to me – I know I want to be one, but I don’t even know where to begin.”

These are sentiments I heard reflected back when I interviewed a subset of people who desired to be allies to women and other underrepresented groups. I knew that this was an interest and need, but I wanted to better understand why we, within our organizations and society as a whole, were struggling to achieve gender parity in our leadership ranks.

There are numerous well-intentioned individuals, leaders, and organizations dedicated to this very topic – yet, we can’t seem to sustainably move the needle in the right direction.

We make strides, and then as recent research supports, we start to lose momentum. In early 2019, I took to the stage at TEDx Valparaiso University to discuss how gender-diverse leadership teams help organizations thrive. Gender diverse leadership teams result in greater profitability, a stronger public image, increased agility, and a higher tolerance for risk (among other things). Yet, despite the common recognition of the power of diversity, organizations continue to struggle to attract, develop, and importantly, retain a diverse pipeline of leadership talent.

The more I shared my talk, and insights and research behind it, the more I recognized the gap doesn’t necessarily lie in our recognition of the problem, rather, it exists in how we approach solutions.

Men continue to hold the majority of leadership and decision-making roles, and, thus, by proxy, have the power to help drive change. While the gendered leadership narrative has, for a while, centered on encouraging women to lean in – and they have – it is time to bring in those that can help move the needle. Otherwise, issues related to gender bias and stereotypes at work tend to become just a “women’s issue.”

In other words, we need men to lean in to be allies to women.

I would define an ally as a person who actively promotes and aspires to advance a culture of inclusion through intentional, positive, and conscious efforts that benefit people as a whole.

Being a good ally to others is a practice. It is not a check-the-box activity, and it certainly is not a one-and-done exercise. It requires intention, likely some training, and ongoing commitment.

Perhaps even more importantly, it requires wading into a messy and complex problem.

I know – it sounds like a lot – and, in some ways, it is. However, it is also important – for society, for younger generations, for business success, and to ensure we fully utilize the best and brightest talent the world has to offer.

So, let’s get to some tactics: What does practicing allyship look like and where can you start?

First, it is important to recognize what it means to be a true “ally” to women. Allyship behaviors include having a strong sense of courage, a willingness to challenge the status quo, and comfort with wading into messy, and at times, unchartered territories.

Change, of any kind, can be uncomfortable and difficult (though it doesn't have to be). For men to become allies, they must recognize that there won’t be a “playbook” and learning continuously is key. 

In short, men who want to become allies are continuous learners who operate with courage, openness to change, and a willingness to challenge the status quo and wade into discomfort. 

Naturally, you may be wondering: what can I do about it?

Let me tell you a story to bring this to life. In the quote opening this piece, a man recounted his experience of seeing a senior female leader being interrupted. This was a common occurrence – it had happened at many meetings and in other larger forums. When I asked him how he handled it, he said he did nothing because he felt the woman was capable of handling it herself.

Could she? Of course.

But there’s a lot of power in being “seen” by your colleagues – particularly when you’re an 'only' in the room or at the decision-making table. Many others may not even have noticed the subtle gender bias that is women being interrupted more often.

Simply pulling her aside and saying “hey, I noticed you were interrupted many times in that meeting… anything I can do to help in future meetings?” can be a powerful conversation starter. To be sure, it does require wading into some messiness. She may accept the offer, she may turn it down – but, the important point is that taking some sort of action will drive us toward solutions.

Second, in my conversations with those who have allies and who see themselves as allies, I heard repeatedly about the importance of listening.

Truly listening, to understand and to empathize, not to respond and defend. In theory, it sounds like an obvious thing to do but, in practice, it is anything but easy.

As an ally, ask yourself: can you sit in a meeting with women – with only the intent to listen and take in information – who are sharing their experiences with inequity? Bias? Discrimination? Sexism? These topics are deep and fraught with a complex conversation. A practicing ally will wade in versus tune out and show curiosity versus defensiveness. 

Men as allies demonstrate a willingness to listen – even in the toughest of times – and provide space for reflection, understanding, and open dialogue. 

Third, consider how you can develop an allyship network and culture in your organization.

Many organizations have employee resource groups (ERGs) for women. While these are incredibly valuable spaces for women to come together to share experiences, provide support, and help each other rise, it is also critically important to have shared space where various groups can discuss gender bias at work.

As one man noted in a recent conversation – “I’d like to hear about women’s experiences and be part of the solution, but attending a women’s group meeting feels kind of like walking into the women’s restroom…”

Look within your organization. Are there safe, inclusive spaces to have this type of dialogue?

If not, you might consider hosting a 3-part "helping men become allies for women" series that goes something like this: 

• Host a one-hour panel discussion in which women share their experiences – good and bad – in the workplace. Get specific in speaking to examples of when/how men could have or did help and describe why that was important. Remember the principle above regarding the importance of listening actively. 
• Host a roundtable with the men who attended the panel discussion – men only – and candidly discuss what you heard and learned from the panel. Identify some open questions and concerns that would be helpful to discuss as a next step. 
• Host a coaching circle bringing all attendees from the two events above back together. Set guidelines and expectations of psychological safety where everyone can feel empowered to share their REAL thoughts – no matter how messy – consider using principles from Amy Edmonson's work on creating psychologically safe workplaces. 

Importantly, identify two or three actions or next steps to which everyone will commit to address issues and challenges that perpetuate gender bias. Lastly, find ways to communicate this with the rest of your organization. 

What is one action you can personally take right now to become an ally to help women rise?