When Children Lie...

Oftentimes, toward the end of a well-child visit, when I close my patients’ charts, and look parents squarely in the eye, casually asking for, “Any additional concerns?” I am met with an eerily similar reaction…

Parents nervously set their belongings aside, and warily scoot onto the edge of their seats, leaning forward and shamefully confessing in a muted whisper: “I think my child has something wrong with them. They….have trouble…telling…the truth. I mean, I can’t tell if maybe they think it’s the truth, or they want it to be the truth, or they’re lying on purpose. We are VERY clear that lying is not tolerated in our home, but…” 

And then parents continue, for quite some time, expounding upon the stark disconnect between their values at home and how these carefully constructed, intentional and lifelong tenets aren’t manifesting in their kindergartener…who offers longwinded, fantastical stories of interactions with friends; or…who continuously claims to have brushed their teeth, when mom KNOWS for a fact that no toothbrush was operated in the making of THAT story. 

“So…what’s WRONG with them?” they awkwardly inquire, looking for a diagnosis AND swift, effective treatment plan. 

And with a comforting smile, my answer is almost always the same…

For almost all young children (ages three through six), lying should be expected as part of the normal, developmental process. Most children reach a stage where they wonder: “What happens if I lie about this situation?” or, “What will it do for me?” or, “What does it get me out of?” or even, “What does it get me?’”

And many children will test the waters to see whether lying will get them something they want, help them avoid a consequence or get them out of something they don’t want to do. 

Some children blur the lines between where reality ends and fantasy begins. This, too, is normal. 

What’s important, when reacting to untruthful behavior, is the fundamental understanding that LYING is a SYMPTOM, NOT a DIAGNOSIS. When a symptom manifests, we might react to the symptom, but ultimately, it is important to UNDERSTAND THE CAUSE. 

Ask yourself the question: Is this new behavior a symptom of a developmental stage? Or is there something more at play?

Other reasons that children might lie include:

? A low self-esteem (where children tend to tell lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented in the eyes of others); 

? Anxiety and depression (where children minimize or lie about issues they are facing in order to avoid having to address them); 

? Impulsivity (where children don’t actually intend to lie, but speak impulsively, before they think); and

? In rare instances, a complex problem, like drug or alcohol abuse. 

While lying is a normal part of the development process, it should be addressed. Up next…how to respond to lying…

How do YOU handle lying from children?