When a Child Struggles, It’s the Parent Who Must Reflect

I recently heard a clip by Erica Komisar, LCSW, and it struck a chord with me. Her message mirrored a deep understanding I’ve gained through my clinical work and personal experience: when a child is facing an issue, it’s often the parent who must work on that issue. There are, of course, rare exceptions, but the truth is that most of the time, children’s challenges serve as an invitation for us as parents to introspect.

This realization is not about blaming parents for their children’s struggles, but rather about understanding the intricate connection between a child’s experience and a parent’s inner world. Children, in their innocence and purity, act as mirrors, reflecting back to us aspects of ourselves that require attention or healing. Instead of rushing to fix the “problem” our child is facing, we might ask ourselves, What is this experience trying to teach me about my own life?

We often get caught up in addressing the surface-level issue, focusing on resolving our child’s discomfort, frustrations, or behaviors. But in the process, we miss the deeper, more transformative opportunity: to reflect on what our child’s struggle might be communicating to us. What in our own lives requires healing, attention, or compassion?

A recent experience with my son, Kalel, brought this truth home for me in the most profound way. At a party, Kalel found himself in a difficult situation with another child who was hoarding all the materials in a play area, preventing others from enjoying the space. Kalel, being the thoughtful and assertive child he is, spent about 7-10 minutes engaging with the boy, calmly explaining how what he was doing was unfair. The boy, however, refused to budge.

After witnessing this interaction for some time, I asked Kalel if he wanted me to step in and help. When he said yes, I approached the other child, gently suggesting that once he was done, perhaps he could share the materials with the other kids. The boy complied, and the situation seemed resolved. But what happened next stunned me.

A few minutes later, Kalel walked over to the boy and apologized for having me intervene on his behalf. Confused, I asked Kalel why he felt the need to apologize. I told him, “You don’t ever need to apologize for advocating for yourself. It’s okay to ask for help when you’ve tried and things aren’t working out!” His response floored me: “Yes, Mom, I spoke up and asked for help. But the other boy had to give up something he really wanted, and I felt sad for him. I can stand up for myself and still feel sad for the hurt he’s feeling.”

In that moment, my 7-year-old son taught me a lesson that was as profound as it was humbling. I had thought I was stepping in as the parent, doing something great for him by advocating for him. But in reality, Kalel was showing me a depth of empathy and understanding that I have just begun to reflect on. He taught me that it’s okay to stand up for yourself and simultaneously feel sadness for the person on the other side. Both are valid. Both can coexist. And both must happen.

I share this experience to emphasize the point I made earlier: children are our teachers, constantly offering us messages through their struggles, victories, and even their quiet reflections. It’s not just about how we can help our child—it’s about asking ourselves, What is my child showing me about myself? What parts of my life need my attention and healing for my child to be bringing this experience to me? When we approach parenting with this kind of introspection, we are not only helping our children grow but also allowing ourselves to evolve in ways we might never have expected.

Kalel’s experience that day didn’t just teach him about standing up for what’s right and the complexity of emotions—it taught me that I, too, can learn to hold space for multiple truths. I can be firm in my advocacy for myself, while also holding compassion for others who might feel uncomfortable or hurt by the outcome. This wisdom, delivered to me through the divinity of my child, is a reminder that parenting is as much about our own growth as it is about nurturing theirs.

So the next time your child presents a problem, pause and ask yourself: What part of my own life might this be calling me to examine? This is how children, in their divinity, help us heal and grow. It is through these moments that we, as parents, are given the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to deepen our compassion, and to guide our children with more wisdom and grace.

Dr. Nirmeen Rajani, a Clinical Psychologist and mother of two, specializes in anxiety, depression, complex trauma & PTSD, and issues affecting children. With a focus on supporting children, adolescents, couples, and families through various life transitions, she compassionately empowers parents in their parenting journey, while also working directly with children to address a variety of childhood challenges.

Learn more about her work and practice:

Psychology Center Schaumburg Intake Line: 847-786-8222 [email protected]