When the Belief in Belonging Turns Sour

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HOW TO NOTICE THE DISTURBING VIBRATIONS OF SOMETHING GOING FUNDAMETNALLY WRONG.

Scroll to the bottom for the updated continuation.

Initial entry 08.08.2024.

A couple of weeks ago I was enquired about my thoughts about “beliefs”. My instant response was: "Well, there is a belief that belonging is a belief. It is not". Here I am sharing my line of thoughts.

Beliefs are part of our individual cultures.

Beliefs are part of our behavioral patterns.

Beliefs can form our biases.

Some beliefs are functional (eg. psychological safety - we consider others as friends, not foes; we feel safe to try out novel things). Other beliefs are non-functional or even dysfunctional (eg. "Us v. Them" narrative, a sense of entitlement and priviledges - they create polarities where earlier there were none).

A neutral belief which on the outside looks and feels so functional, can turn sour and dysfunctional. This happens when people with dishonest intentions start taking advantage and gain priviledges on those who live such a belief.

As I have been researching “Belonging” for some time, nowadays I recognize that risk out there.?(It was always there, I guess, for centuries).

This risk can become very material - because belonging is not a belief.

Rather, belonging is a need - like food and shelter and safety.

We do not test out our beliefs - we take for granted that they are true. With our life progressing, our relationships mature - we are start questioning our beliefs.

Everyone wants to feel safe - within a tribe where we matter, where we can feel the social connectedness and rely on others to have the more basic needs (safety and absence of threats) will be secured.

For that reason, some of us have learned to proactively ask to have that need met – exactly, like the food and shelter and so on. Others are stuck in the belief that belonging is a mystic feeling, the enlightenment available to the chosen ones, elites.

This thinking is non-functional.

This thinking makes You vulnerable.

When you are depleted of nurturing social interactions, when you feel lonely and exposed, sometimes uprooted, and it lasts longer than ever before, you may start dreaming of that mystic feeling.

You may daydream about it for so long, that when somebody offers you an opportunity to join a mystic community, a pyramid of contribution, you fall for it.

Your loneliness makes you an easy prey for predators. You step onto a spider web, without spotting the other victims. Your vulnerability will be taken advantage of by merciless mystic gurus, those who will not shy away from charging you a price of entry to an illusion. The “Illusion of Inclusion?"***

Belonging to a group where your uniqueness is not respected and appreciated, a group that is harming others or put your core values at risk, is not the belonging.

It is an illusionary comfort.

It is fitting in.

It is surviving, not thriving.

Belong to yourself.

Never "believe" in belonging.

Always have it tested out!

Have you ever fallen for that? Any ideas of real case scenario?

• Tinder-swindler.
• Church of "something something", turning into a fanatic sect.
• Klu Klux Klan.
• A movement led by the well-known leader of 1930s in Europe.

All the same patterns, very similar narrative: “Believe that you belong in a tribe that accepts you”.

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Stay tuned.

One day I will share my personal story of how I have fallen for a mystic charm, which turned out to be a spider web.

Going forwards, how to notice web vibrations, the sign that tarantula is approaching.

?#belongingmatters

*** ?Aga Sieradzka “The Alphabet of Belonging”.

Edited on 20.09.2024

HOW TO NOTICE THE DISTURBING VIBRATIONS THAT ARE THE SIGN OF SOMETHING GOING FUNDAMETNALLY WRONG.

You join a welcoming network.

You feel part of a larger community.

You are not alone. You feel safe.

You want to give back that energy. You want to contribute.

You contribute. More and more.

And then, suddenly, you notice something is not right.

Something is disturbing.... very disturbing!

• You are asked for more without receiving anything in return.

• You are cordially invited to generate new and creative ideas, but you are never credited for this.

• Your ideas – shared in a most genuine manner - ?are taken as marketing tools to generate greater income stream (one that you never see or participate in). Someone else does.

• You contribute to an innovative project – with your creativity, intellect and time – but the monetary profits generated from it are never part of your share; your intellectual property is taken for granted to the “common wealth” and you see no evindence of how is that “common”.

• You are continually prompted to bring new members to the network. You bring in your friends. And then, suddenly you feel there are raising divines between you and them. Somebody is creating polarities and competitiveness that did not existed before.

• After substantial period of contribution, one day you yurself need some help. You ask for that. Only to notice that it is not considered serious. You receive a lip service: a squeezed-in timeslot with excuses.

• Instead of nurturing support from leadership, you receive the recurring answers: “Recruit more people!”, “Bring more patrons!” , “Acquire more sponsors!”. (This is how you grow a financial pyramid.)

• When you show vulnerability, next day you will see eyes of disgust; that pure moments of vulnerability will be brought up to you in a harmful response: “You are not good enough!”, "You are insecure" , , "You don't belong here".

• The friend who had spontaneously introduced you to the network earlier, suddenly is no longer as enthusiastic about it. When enquired about how she is doing, the answer is a silence or a “I am fine”.

If you spot on these symptoms, those disturbing vibrations - get off that harmful web! As soon as you can!

This is not where you want to belong.

#belongingmatters

#Belonging is where you matter.

If you, however, miss these early signals, the secondary ones will be hard to miss....

Stay tuned.

I am Aga Sieradzka: Coach for Belonging and Growth.

I am writing about why belonging matters - for the growth of individuals and organizations - and what are the “A to Z” elements that formulate the individual sense of belonging.

I am on the mission to normalize the language around belonging – especially when the situation we step in doesn’t serve us, when it doesn’t serve our purpose. When the internal voice whispers “I don’t think I belong here”, listen to it! - this is where the opportunities for growth are hidden.

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Global Expertise and Service Offering:

?? Executive and Life Coaching: Experience Belonging and Growth

?? Book Author "The Alphabet of Belonging"?

?? Speaking Engagements: "How BELONGING@WORK works”

?? People & Culture (HR) Strategy Consulting: World of Belonging (and how to get there - from A to Z).