When the Answer is “No”

Have you ever experienced a toddler’s wicked temper tantrum? Yes, that melt-down all parents dread when their little angel turns into a red-faced monster kicking and screaming on the floor. These unfortunate incidents typically happen when children do not get what they want. And they usually happen at the worst possible time and in public places. Learning to accept “no” and delay gratification is a necessary part of growing up. Yet, even as adults when we ask for something we want, or feel we deserve, and get a “no”, we are likely to experience strong negative feelings. “I want it now” is a powerful emotion. While, hopefully, by adulthood we’ve learned to control the emotions and impulses we express outwardly, when strong emotions are evoked, our inner child may be screaming and kicking inwardly. But as unpleasant as being turned down is, it is part of life, a part of everyone’s professional experience if they work long enough.

Rejections are a common hurt we experience in our work life: the deal NOT closed, the interview NOT landed, the job NOT offered, the promotion NOT gotten, the raise NOT granted, and the job recognition NOT expressed. Whether small or large, rejection stings. Growing up in Israel, a country blessed with a spectacular coastline, I can say with confidence that nothing ruins a summer day at the beach faster than a jellyfish sting. Similarly, nothing ruins a good day on the job faster than the full sting of rejection. Now, no one willingly seeks out rejection. But achievement always involves taking chances. Professional growth requires the willingness to be vulnerable, to fully embrace the fact that putting ourselves out there we never know what we’ll get in return – acceptance or rejection, wishes come true, or plans fall through. One of my elementary school teachers used to tell our class that we had to always try and reach for the moon so that if we fail, we’d still be falling through the stars. Achievers thrive on rejection; it is the fuel that drives their motivation to succeed. Being comfortable with the uncomfortable is a great element of success. When we want to have things, or wish to do things, we must open ourselves to a plethora of emotions that come with both struggle and satisfaction and joy as well as pain. Additionally, we need to be willing to stand out there in the cold, right underneath the glaring streetlight, and knock on opportunity’s door long enough and loud enough until it is opened for us. Trying to avoid pain will hurt us in the long run. We cannot get to the top of the mountain unless we are willing to schlep some baggage along, literal and emotional.

Here’s the simple truth, to master anything we have to first master the art of rejection. A few years ago, because of my perfectionistic tendencies, and after a heartbreaking dream job rejection, I was challenged by a friend to play Rejection Therapy. The game has only one rule: to get rejected every day for 30 consecutive days. She diligently made us a “dare” card for each day of the month to push our personal boundaries and face the fear (and embarrassment) of venturing beyond them. I took the challenge and failed; meaning I aced the game. For a whole month my life was full of rejection (as an overachiever, I took on bonus challenges.) As it turned out, rejection had been a blast. Of course, real rejection when it really matters really sucks. But by desensitizing the fear and pain associated with rejection, I could train myself to handle it in a productive manner. If I’ve learned anything from a month of being rejected every day, it’s that things rarely went the way I imagined they would, and nothing silly I did mattered all that much. Since then, I try to challenge myself to do something scary, embarrassing, or silly at least every couple of days as a reminder to self to never pass up something important to me because of fear of embarrassment, criticism, rejection, or failure. Not convinced? Check out this little gem of a talk about rejection by Laurie Petrou.

Here are three productive steps to handle rejection like a pro:

1.   Acknowledge the emotions

Feelings are complicated. Recognize the fear, pain, disappointment, sadness, and anger in all their illogical power and hold over you. Sit with your negative feelings, cuddle them, and pay your respects. Then let go and replace them with positive ones, one negative thought at a time.

2.   Push through the discomfort

Widen your lens to the bigger perspective and re-focus your attention on the bigger picture beyond the temporary set-back. The art of living means pushing the boundaries by continuously reaching out for new experiences and new possibilities outside your comfort zone. You know you are putting yourself out there pushing yourself to your limits when you get turned down.

3.   Discover the wisdom

Rejection can be a good teacher. Be sure to ask good questions and learn as much as you can about what happened in order to learn the applicable life lessons. Turn the “no” into an opportunity for self-growth, to keep moving forward with more wisdom and go to new levels of challenges and skills.

Rejection is an invitation to do self-inventory. Think back on your life. Isn’t it true that many times when you thought you were denied something you wanted, with the perspective of time, you came to realize you were directed to something you needed? I know that this is true for me. Those times when rejection was a tough pill to swallow were merely an early “no” forcing me to find the “yes” in the mess, the opportunities in disguise. If we try to shield ourselves from disappointment, we’d be denying ourselves the joy of the discovery of our value proposition, a creative process that will always leave us stronger, smarter, and having a firm grasp on who we are and what we have to offer.

If you are currently experiencing rejection at work, I hope the following quote will guide you towards success: “Do not waste yourself in rejection; do not bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.”   ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson