When Agree To Disagree Doesn't Work

Few are statues of the critic. Many are statues of the criticized.

I like to think I’m perfect. I know I’m not. So if someone comes to me with a criticism, they aren’t telling me something I don’t already know: I have room for growth.

Therein lies the secret to becoming worthy of a statue (whether one erected in a public park or in a grateful heart). Someone might have something for me. They may have delivered it as a bomb, but I defused it into a gift. My strength is not weakened by another: If they believe about me falsely, falsehood is but a mist from which my strength emerges; if they illuminate a true need I must address, my strength is now increased. 

I do not fear the critic. 

This is not the case for most people. Have you been part of the usual scenario: Someone disagrees with you. The disagreement could be about you (character or conduct), or it could be outside of you (an idea you embrace and make known). Your critic puts forth their case. You counter with yours. A few verbal spars later, and the exchange ends with “Well, I guess we agree to disagree.” Victory is declared: Each voiced their opinion, the relationship is still intact (seemingly), and no one gave up anything. 

Do you feel like you learned something about yourself? Do you know the other person better? Are you able to move forward confident in yourself and the relationship with the other? Or did you simply bandage a wound? Did mistrust or disdain find a foothold? Is there a wedge that time will turn into a gulf?

This scenario plays out in relationships and workplaces every day. Is there a better way to play?

Agree to disagree doesn’t work when nothing was learned by you or because of you.

So how do you turn criticism into a bond instead of a bomb? How, if in the end, two still disagree, does the disagreement create a gift?

Questions. Ask more, talk less. Seek to understand. Explore to learn more.

I have certain convictions. I have been around a long time, so my convictions are not without experience behind them. But the realm of knowledge I live in is greater than I can possibly know. My experience is not tapped out. The odds are another person has something I need, and I want to dig until I find it.

I want to draw out before I pour in. Questions that seek understanding communicate that I value another, that I am genuine in seeking to grow and that I am open to change. They are not admissions yet. Questions also help another person think more clearly. Here is a secret: If I ask enough questions, the person may talk themselves into a different way of thinking. Caveat: I am not asking questions to disarm. I am asking questions to draw out. But in the process, they may realize the sword they have drawn needs to be sheaved. 

You probably do have people out to get you. We live with people who can choose to be cruel. They don’t expect you to be interested. They expect you to be defensive. Most likely, they are being reactive. Questions will call into question their reaction. 

More often, people aren’t out to get you, but they do need to “get you” – to understand where you are coming from. So there is a time when you move from drawing out to pouring in. But the best way to pour in is to encourage their questions! (“This is my perspective. Here is how I got there. What more would you like to know? What questions come to mind that might help me think more clearly about where I stand?)

It doesn’t take long to learn the skills of asking questions. It takes a lifetime to master them. The journey begins with the right posture: A critic is an opportunity for me to learn. Questions convert criticisms to conversation. It still may not be my favorite conversation, but I refuse to walk away with anything less than the victory of growing stronger. 

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we asked more and talked less? Wouldn’t your relationships? Wouldn’t your leadership?

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