When Aging Parents Won’t Participate in Elder Care Mediation: How Can Families Resolve Conflicts?

As an Elder Care Mediator, I frequently get contacted by adult children whose family does not see eye to eye about the future of their aging parents’ housing, care, or finances. Since the parents are at the center of the conflict, I always ask to speak with them first, before I can decide how I may be able to help. More often than not, mom or dad is willing to meet with me for an initial confidential consultation – in person whenever possible or by Zoom or phone. After we get to know each other and talk about the Elders’ concerns about their future, they usually agree that a facilitated family meeting - also called Elder Care Mediation - may help restore their family peace. ?However, once other family members agree to participate in the proposed conflict resolution process and we start planning for our joint meeting, some parents start doubting that mediation would be worth their time and money and decline to participate. How can I help their children if that happens? Read some examples from my recent practice to find out:

1)???? A daughter living with her father as his main caregiver had tensions with dad and her brother who lived in another state, because both thought that dad needed less care than the local daughter believed. She proposed mediation, because she felt stuck between her responsibilities as a caregiver and her dad’s demands for more independence. Although after meeting with me, dad agreed to participate in a joint facilitated meeting/mediation, he changed his mind following a phone call with his son. His daughter felt hopeless and worried that the conflict with her brother would escalate during a visit he had planned for the near future. That’s when I offered her some Conflict Coaching, in order to prepare her for the brother’s visit. After a few hour-long Zoom sessions over a period of just ten days, the daughter was able to change her approach to her brother and avoided fighting with him when he visited their dad. Although she continued to feel concerned about their dad, she agreed to move out and let the long-distance brother take on the caregiving responsibilities by organizing the amount of in-home care he believed was needed at this stage in dad’s life.?

2)???? Another daughter contacted me, because she was concerned about her mom’s care after she recently moved out of their family home, where her brother now lived as the main caregiver. Her communication had broken down not only with her mom, but also with her local brother and another brother living out-of-state. Once again, I visited mom first, who initially agreed to participate in a facilitated family meeting/mediation, but then lost faith in the proposed process and changed her mind. I was glad that after some discussions the three siblings decided to participate in a joint meeting even without mom. When I got together with the two local siblings in person with the long-distance brother joining by Zoom, I was surprised how well the three of them were able to work together, even though they had been unable to talk with each other without me. In the course of about four hours, they reached a long list of agreements regarding the future management of their mom’s housing, care, transportation, medical needs and finances, with each of them taking on some of the responsibilities. I left feeling optimistic that they would not only be able to collaborate in their mom’s best interest, but also as a “united front” could ?convince their mother to accept more in-home care than she thought necessary.?

Are you or a friend, colleague or client struggling with family conflicts about the housing, care, finances, or estate of their aging loved ones? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail [email protected], so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how a Facilitated Family Meeting or Elder Care Mediation process can help them reach agreements that work for everyone involved – regardless if their parent(s) participate(s) or not. ?????

Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach

AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830

E-Mail: [email protected], Web: www.aginginharmony.com

Helping Feuding Families Become Peaceful Partners -

In-Person, by Phone, or Online via Zoom