When it affects your Home

So it is that time of year again when I decide I need a therapy session and put together an article of rambling thoughts to help me along the way under the guise of helping others. I do though always hope that someone reading this will empathise and reflect on what I say positively and that it may help someone as well and not just me. Please do excuse any obvious rants or self-obsessed whinging.

It has been the weirdest of times I feel not only for us all personally but in work settings especially. As we have spoken about before, the joys of online calls; lets have more meetings than we need to justify that we are working; and of course the constant reference to "being on a journey" are personal bug bears. This may just be me but I wanted to share warts and all how I have been.

Any resemblance to real situations or people are accidental as these are words and acts of pure fiction. My home is at risk if I do not keep up repayments.

Don't Take it to Heart

This is what a colleague said to me very recently as they walked out the door. I feel they could tell just how narked off I was about some recent events and behaviours. I have found myself in the last 6 months feeling very sorry for myself, looking inward and being appalled at how I have gone backwards in my own behaviours and management style. For those avid readers (not many of you I imagine) of my ramblings will recall the changes I had to make when going through a lot of self examination and learning whilst a Director at Calderdale Council. The work we did as a management team with Maurice Hepworth had such a positive experience on me and I felt others and I need to keep remembering it. During this process, I found out that out of (I perceive) a constant frustration, I become grumpy, annoying, slightly angry at myself and others when buttons are pressed.

My passion has always been to "serve" through the public sector and to where I can ensure great "service" of what the public sector should be doing. I have always attempted to be a positive change where needed and to prevent wasting public resources in areas that I feel we should not be straying into or indeed playing badly in. I cannot do something without getting deeply involved in it and in my head just do a job.

The problem is that I do take it to heart.

When I am part of a team that has been working so hard during difficult times to restore a programme or plan to where it should be; that has attempted to deal as effectively as possible with the critical issues that have not been understood, addressed previously and/or deliberately delayed/not dealt with, I find it difficult when the criticism comes or the lack of appreciation sets in. The trouble is that at some point it can get too much especially when you feel you are working hard and doing your best.

I learned very early on in my career when dealing with internal politics and democratic politics that at points you just have to let it wash over you and not take it to heart. However, there can be a silent build up that you do not realise that emerges in you and sometimes you can see transfer over to your colleagues.

In previous roles when I have appeared on the front page of the local paper in an article by a local councillor (technically my employer at the time) telling the world what I am not doing but here is what I should be doing, you have to not respond or let it get to you. I have this year had a democratically elected representative ring me to inform me of how useless I am at what I do; how disappointed they are in me as they apparently had high hopes when I arrived; and they let me know in no uncertain terms exactly where I am wrong and how they would have by now ensured the required success. The strange thing is they do not know exactly what the team and I have been doing but I have to listen to their 20 minute thoughts on the subject.

Lip biting is a definite skill as there are people who just want to provoke and get you into a fight for their own purposes. Many times in that telephone conversation, I wanted to ask "as you are so good at this and you think I am a lazy fat cat (no comments please), why did you not go for my job when it was advertised"? However, you just have to not take the bait and bite hard. I have had people this year just blatantly disrespect and undermine me and the team; go around us; blame myself and the team with no actual knowledge of what we have inherited or turned around and manipulate dreadfully the words we have written or spoken. It can be very difficult. Such is life and such fun.....

I have watched colleagues, who I consider to be friends as well, morph from glass half full, wonderfully positive people into half empty cynics like I have become recently. I have to take a lot of the blame for this as I am the team leader and have let them down. I have, I feel, let my own frustrations and behaviours boil over into their world as well. To watch it happen in front of your eyes is not easy especially when you are attempting to change it and to help but then the next wave comes in. We as a team have been so busy with our heads down that I feel we have not been able to share how we are doing or feeling, quickly enough to acknowledge it and change the pattern. Not being able to see one another face to face and spend time just chewing the fat when this all started has been a factor. But as the team leader you do take it to heart. My behaviour has not been good enough for what I want to be.

It has not been easy for any of us and we have to remember that in all our dealings. It is also important to listen to others when they say they are worried about you and get our heads up and see the situation and how others are actually doing.

It hits Home

One of the reasons, I went back into permanent employment rather than interim work was to be at home a lot more. My current role is a 60 minute drive away as opposed to the previous over 2 hours normally. I have found this great to be at home as I did not miss the Sunday packing of a suitcase and a drive that you had been thinking about subconsciously all that day. It tended to affect your weekend. The world of interim has apparently changed with the pandemic in that you may only need to be in the "office" one day a week and be on Teams calls managing the workload. That would have been easier on the home life but in some ways harder I feel to manage a team and the activities.

My shift backwards in behaviour has led to something that has crept up on me as well at home. There was at the beginning in May 2019, the responses I have talked about around "why are you here on a Sunday night?"; "you can't watch the football (or various other sports) as we watch always watch SWAT? etc etc.

Now though I have noticed more of a walking on eggshells around Daddy and my own personal inertia to do anything at the weekend but recuperate. I am as you may have gathered from these blogs a very good wallower so the excuse of feeling stressed and frustrated has allowed me to partake in my favourite past time, the Saturday morning lie in. Oh what a joy to still of course wake up at normal work time but then to get breakfast and lie there watching "your" telly programmes especially as reported previously "Soccer Am". Good sport live from other parts of the world as well at strange times of the day....wonderful.

The wallow however is not good for family life or me unless we are all doing it but that is a rare occasion as normally there are plans a foot. I was so struck about my behaviour a week or so ago when it snowed suddenly for a couple of hours on a Sunday. We could not get the car up the drive coming from Sunday lunch without a good clearance and a lot of salt. When we managed to get outside the front door my wonderful 8 year old daughter Naomi said "come on lets go sledging!" As you can see below we live in rather a good spot for sledging but with mock GCSE revision going on; a sister with an ankle injury and a busy Mummy, it was left to me. Of course as a good father, I ignored this request to start with preferring to wallow in front of some sport whilst looking at the threatening snow clouds saying "lets wait until that passes by". Of course the sad face then arrived but regardless of miserable wallowing Daddy, the sledges were readied and activities began just in the garden. I of course went wallowing in front of the telly and then thought "what on earth am I doing?" "Get out there you idiot and appreciate the great time with Naomi!"

As you can see, there is a surprised look when Daddy emerges with hat, scarf, gloves, waterproof coat and says "come on lets get going into the field". I have not laughed so much in ages as sledging was wonderful as it always is. Why do we forget? Slowly the rest of the family and even Beti the dog emerge as Daddy is enjoying himself so this must be good. Video footage is taken of Daddy actually having fun and is sent via WhatsApp to all parts of the globe. In my defence, it was a form of wallowing as I was sitting down and my own weight and the gravity force of a slope were propelling me to enjoyment but I did have to walk back up the slope I suppose. A major reality check however of course as to how easy it is to miss such important times.

One part of the being back at home in the week life that actually I do love is the taxi service/pick up from various activities. Wednesday nights are my pick up of Sophia our eldest daughter from Street Dance and Contemporary. She needs picking up at about 8.40 so it is a get home; eat something; watch the first part of my beloved Repair Shop and get going. Clearly there is a sport filled Radio 5 journey to get there in a form of mobile wallowing. I love the time on the way back to talk with her about her day and life. The threat of course still remains of the "Bring your Dad to Street Dance" session that actually happens but for some reason my three girls don't tell me when it is! I wonder why?

Again something struck me as we went as a family to watch the annual dance performance in Harrogate. At the moment, I am really feeling it around all my girls growing up and am getting to be an immensely embarrassing Dad as I am getting emotional when I see them performing or achieving something. This is actually what it is all about I finally got to realise at Harrogate that afternoon. It is what is important again, Ian, you Muppet!

When you see all three girls perform and people compliment you on how they are as people and how they enjoyed their performance that is so wonderful. Here is our lovely Sophia who from somewhere has an amazing grace about her and just loves dancing. She is not bothered about what other people think, she just adores it. Virtually every night she will be dancing, not practicing but dancing. There is always a time to dance.

It again took me too long but a reality check hit home about work through being inspired by the dancing; not taking it to heart; doing the best you can; you cannot control other people's view of you but you can shape it by your behaviour; and of course what really is important.

Restored faith

A final amazing thing has happened that the LinkedIn network has helped to deliver. You have inspired and motivated our wonderful daughter, Zahra. You will have seen a post I put out there to just my network to attempt to find work experience in the Motorsport world for a 14 year old who loves F1 and especially McLaren. The picture as the cover image for this article is a quick painting that Zahra did of Daniel Ricciardo in his McLaren and that of course as embarrassing Dad I tweeted to McLaren. I have never seen her as enthralled or excited about anything except Motorsport. For her to believe that there could even be a career in it, is so incredible to see. My Dad was a car dealer most of his life and my brother worked at Aston Martin before emigrating so there must be something in the genes.

Through you and your connections, a young lady has been for an interview with the LNT Group/Ginetta Cars. She sent me this picture so you can see too her excitement. Zahra could not believe the scale of it and all that they do in Garforth. To then watch Top Gear with her and see Freddie learning to be a racing driver with Mike Simpson and the Ginetta Car programme was mind blowing for her and me. It looks like she will get a week of work experience thanks to the wonderful Lawrence Thomlinson and the exceptional team at Ginetta. To say she was impressed is an understatement that Lando Norris came through the Ginetta series as well. Thank you so much for all your help, links and support with this. It restored my faith in work networks and for colleagues/friends/associates/ just people to go out of their way to bring joy and inspire.

What do we conclude?

I do apologise for using my children to demonstrate my rambling points but they have again allowed me to see the reality of what I am facing workwise and its actual importance.

My thoughts and the point of this blog are summed up with:

• Work is important but not as important as life;
• Enjoy the opportunity that is presented to you;
• Don't allow yourself to wallow;
• Take to heart only the positives;
• Keep the faith;
• Inspiration leads to aspiration to enjoyment; and
• There is always a time to dance.

Take care in these strange times. Enjoy a great Christmas time with your families. Work out what is important and treasure it.