When the abrasive leader is THE leader (if I knew then what I know now)

As a conflict advisor I worked with a large nonprofit organization over several years with mediation and consulting work around conflict within their various departments.

I began hearing through the grapevine that this particular person we’ll call Marie was a very, very difficult person to work for.?

At first I thought they had to be talking about someone else! I’d met Marie, and heard a lot of folks in that community talk about how brilliant she was and one of the most likable and charismatic people you’d ever want to meet.?

I would agree! I loved her energy and hearing her magnetic stories of her life and experiences. And I knew she was an absolutely critical component of the organization – really created the successful organization it had become. I sloughed off the ‘gossip’ I was hearing.

About a year after I’d worked with them, I got a call from one of their employees…and then another…and another. One of them, Jaxon, said emphatically and emotionally, “You know, we got to do something about this person; this is really, really a problem.”?

I began to think differently about the Marie situation.

The following week I got a call from the HR director. He said the same sort of thing. Then I heard from two of the board directors. Their messages were all the same: “What are we going to do? This has got to change.”?

I know now, as a certified Boss Whisperer? coach, that this is the typical way the issue comes out in the workplace. People notice the conduct for awhile but don't say anything at first. Eventually it becomes so harmful and intrusive that they start talking among themselves about the person. The situation festers and grows, employee after employee reports the behavior, and finally someone says, “Okay, something's got to happen here.”

I also know now that the abrasive leader in question is oftentimes super valuable and super smart at what they do; they can’t be replaced or don't think they can be replaced. And nobody else does, either, until it gets so poisonous it can’t be ignored.

So I took in a little bit of conversation from each one of them and promised to get back to them. I wish I’d known about Boss Whispering back then, because I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this.

To get some expert advice I reached out to different colleagues in the industry, including the founder of the Boss Whisperer Institute, Laura Crawshaw. The message thread I got was:? “Well, what does the boss think?”

Huh. Who was the boss – the ultimate boss? I discovered that the CEO and the leader of the board of directors was the same person – Marie. Interesting…she was the only boss of herself.?

There was actually nobody above this person who had the authority to deal with this abrasive leader.

In terms of accountability this abrasive leader was untouchable.?

With the wise and heartfelt advice of my colleagues, I declined to take the case. Each one of them told me it was unfixable and unsolvable when you don’t have a structure in which everyone is held accountable to the organization – much like an authoritarian government or dictatorship. There was nobody who could put the heat to this leader that she had to change her behavior.?

It was painful to share my decision with the people who had approached me seeking help. They did find the info I shared on the situation to be helpful in realizing how they had allowed the nonprofit’s structure to come to this point.?

The upshot of the story is that after my engagement with this organization was over, I still kept in touch with four contacts there. Sure enough, it wasn't long before each one of them dropped off as people continued to leave. In the course of two, maybe three, years there was a complete turnover in the organization.?

There are two morals to the story that I believe are important to share with you:

1. The harm that an abrasive leader can create is real and pervasive and destructive. This chronic abusive behavior should not be allowed to continue, and I applaud the bravery of the people who approached me. They saw the poison that can spread, harming the recipient, the workplace, and the mission of the organization itself.?
2. No matter the organization, structures of accountability need to be in place, so EVERYBODY is accountable to each other, top to bottom and bottom to top, regardless of their perceived value to the company.?

This is a topic that is so important to me that I've written a whitepaper to educate HR and management professionals on the nature of abrasive leader behavior: who they are, how they impact the organizations, and (something I now know as a Boss Whisperer? coach) how in almost every case the abrasive leader can UNlearn the bad behavior.?

I hope it gives you some helpful information and direction for your own organization: The Abrasive Leader: A whitepaper