When 2 + 2 = 7, There is More to the Story

If a friend ever said to you that 2+2=7, you would probably be surprised and come to one of two conclusions. Either your friend forgot how to do basic math or that you were missing some part of the equation.

The same concept occurs when we talk to our friends and colleagues about important life change. We have all seen examples like this and some include: I moved south because of the weather, or I left this company to pursue better opportunities or to spend some time to refresh. When I hear things like this, my first thought is, “that doesn’t make sense” or “there’s more to that story.” In general they are telling you the truth, just as 2+2 is part of an equation that adds up to 7. But they are leaving out the +3 intentionally, and that is ok.

It is natural and appropriate to ask people we care about why they are making a decision, but unless they are specifically asking for advice on it, they don’t need to tell you the whole story. Compassion and empathy with our friends during these times start by knowing that we don’t have the full picture. Trust is built when rather than assuming you’re friend made a bad decision, you support them knowing that they don’t need to tell you every detail. You are confident that the full equation would add up, and if you knew it, you would support them.

So start by trusting them. Then whatever they choose to share, you can support and celebrate or cry with them for their decision. Once the trust comes, and if it ever becomes appropriate, you may learn the whole story, but that is not the goal.