What's Your Toxic Trait?
Steven N. Adjei
Supporting leaders to succeed beyond pain. Award-winning pharmacist| Author of the #1 international best-seller Pay The Price | UK Business Awards Judge | Mentor | Business Strategist
''What's my toxic trait?
If I see a boy with the same kettle as me,
I toss that thing in the safe
Won't wear it again, 'cause you made it''
No matter how hard we try to climb our ladders of success, the lid will always be dependent on our toxic traits – our red lights where everything stops - the stuff that always keeps pulling us back down to ground zero. There are lots of toxic traits in our lives that conspire to slam the door of success in our faces,?but I'll just talk about four of them here mainly because they are the ones I struggle with...
I don't see you as I should
You look so misunderstood
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
Pray to God with my arms open
If this is it, then I feel hopeless
And I wish I could help
But it's hard when I hate myself
- ?hip-hop artist NF, Hate Myself, 2019
We will always see the world not as it is, but as we see ourselves. The more distorted our view of ourselves are, the more distorted the world will look to us. If we hate ourselves, are continually critical of ourselves, we lack trust, or the appreciation of beauty, that is how the world will appear to us.?It's like ''looking through a glass darkly'' - having an obscure or distorted view of reality - as Paul of Tarsus says.
If we?want to change our view of the world, we?need to change our view of ourselves first. This for me is one of the greatest predictors of how parents treat their children, and how business leaders treat their employees.? Bosses who treat their staff with contempt, don't look after them?well, ?have?a command and control mentality, want to track their every move, also often lack integrity and self-trust. They see others as they see themselves.
2.?Lack of Discipline.
Yesterday's tomb, tomorrow's womb
The dark is long but the dawn is soon
The light that you seek is seeking you
Let the dead seed go and watch it grow brand-new
I'm a desert in bloom…
-?''In Bloom'' - Grammy-Award winning artist Jon Foreman (ft Joy Oladokun), 2024.?
We always need to ''choose our hard''. The issue is whether we choose our hard now, or later.
If we choose easy decisions now, we choose hard later on.
If we choose hard decisions now, we choose easy later on.
If we always?follow the path of least resistance, we are just kicking the can down the road.
The resistance always comes, the difference is whether we choose it, or it chooses us.?
Discipline now = freedom later.
3.?Red Flag Pain
See, nobody warns you about yourself
The red in your eye,
The trap in your mouth
The person who hurts you the most in the end will be you
Almost every time, you.
You’d better learn to forgive yourself
Forgive yourself instantly
It’s a skill you’re going to need until you die.?
-?Things it can take twenty years and a bad liver to work out
Award-Wining British Poet?Yrsa Daley-Ward, 2017
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I talk extensively about pain in my first book, Pay the Price. But under Red Flag Pain, it’s the pain, the toxic stuff?we do to ourselves. The self-sabotage. The thing we know that will destroy us:
Why do we not stop when the traffic light is red even though we know we are headed for a crash?
As Yrsa continues:
‘'There are parts of you that want the sadness
Find them out.
Ask them why.''
Getting to the root of red flag pain involves finding out why.
Not just why, but why on a deep, deep, deep level.
Otherwise, that pain, that thing – it will destroy us in the end.
It always, always does.
4.?Hanging out
Tell God to please forgive me if I misbehave
I ain't perfect but I'm learnin', all this sxxt's a game
I know people 'round me lurkin', tryna build a name
Fxxx. ‘em all, I hope they're livin' straight
Most of the ends behind the steel gates
Some man experiencing some real pain
See some old friends and wonder if we're still mates...
Only happy when I'm close to home
Need no one but my family if they went, I couldn't hold my own
Who do you hang out with? You will never rise above the people you constantly surround yourself with. That is a given.
These sometimes leave you with painful decisions if you want to climb higher. It gets more and more lonely the higher you climb.
It gets harder to breathe.
But having said that, for me, the most precious friends are those who are ‘absolutely useless’ to me, as Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey put it in their 2023 book, Build the Life You Want.
They are those who want nothing from me, those who I can give nothing to, and just hang out for the sake of hanging out.
These are your real friends. And they become harder and harder to find the higher you climb.
These friends are the ones I treasure the most. They know your nice bits and your not-so-nice bits. They were there when the shx## hit the fan. They were there before you became famous. And they are the hardest to gain and the easiest to lose.
... And there are friends you are friends because of what they can get or gain from?you.
To repeat what grime artist Aitch said above:
''I know people 'round me lurkin', tryna build a name
Those are your?deal friends.
Your success in deep relationships depends on knowing who your real friends are, and who your deal friends are.
So,?these are my potential?four toxic traits I need to be on guard for - that could derail me at any time if I lose my guard.?
What's yours? I suspect they will be similar to mine.
I'd love to hear from you.
Whilst you're here...
1. Work with me. I can public-speak, mentor, write or consult. Hop onto www.stevenadjei.com for a taste, read what people say about my work, and holler at [email protected] for a chat. I'd love some feedback as well on the above article.
2. Buy my book. You won't regret it. It's won several awards and has been a #1 Amazon best-seller in EIGHTEEN different categories in multiple countries.
The direct links are below if you are in the UK or US. If you already have, I'd love an honest review on Amazon. Reviews really do help us out :)-. And watch this space for information on my second book, Chasing Permanence.
3. Talk to me: I won't judge. My strongest values are empathy and resilience, and as someone who's been through a lot of pain, I can work with you to help overcome (or manage) your business pain and turn it into victory.
I'm here, and I'm rooting for you,
Steven.
If you HAVE bought and read the book, please leave a review on Amazon + share it on social media. :)
Thank you!
Steven