What's Your Story

“The stories we tell literally make the world. If you want to change the world, you need to change your story. This truth applies both to individuals and institutions.” ???? -Michael Margolis

Nathan Furr and Susannah Harmon Furr share in “The Upside of Uncertainty” that “We live by stories, but you need to think about what kind of story you are writing each day and what you would like to be able to pull off the shelf at the end of this year – or at the end of your life”.? Since the beginning of time stories were the way we communicated with one another and link us to myths, legends, traditions, and symbols.? And yet, our stories can take us into or away from the best version of ourselves.

Stories are how we stay connected with one another.? It is how we share our dreams, our passions, our challenges and our joys.? Stories communicate what is meaningful and what drives us.? Stories create common ground between individuals that allow for deeper relationships.? Examination of stories helps us to better understand ourselves.

Stories can provide a degree of order as individuals look for certainty stories can provide structure, familiarity, a sense of predictability, and even give us comfort.? When we search for meaning, stories can give us mental models and cognitive maps in order to explain decisions, how things work and can help persuade others to go along with our things.? Our identities are created in stories and then shared with others.

Stories We Tell Ourselves

The stories we tell ourselves, often referred to as self-narratives or self-talk, are the ongoing internal monologues and narratives that shape our beliefs, perceptions, and self-identity. These stories are the way we interpret and make sense of our experiences, both past and present. A few key aspects of our internal storytelling follow.

Self-Identity. Our self-narratives contribute significantly to our sense of self-identity. They shape our beliefs about who we are, our values, and our roles in life.? Self-identity stories offer a unique perspective on the journey of self-discovery and the quest to understand one’s own identity in relation to society, culture, and personal experiences. A challenge in the current environment is the construction of self-identity based upon social media.? Social media can both reflect and influence individual identity, serving as a platform for self-expression, exploration, and social interaction. However, it’s essential to recognize the complexities and potential consequences of online identity construction and consumption.

Belief Systems. Integrated into the stories we tell ourselves is our belief systems and worldviews. They can shape our perspectives on various aspects of life, including relationships, success, failure, and happiness.? Joseph Campbell in his book “The Hero with a Thousand Faces” highlights the profound significance of stories in shaping human beliefs, values, and identities. Through the study of myths and symbols, individuals can gain insight into the universal patterns of human experience and cultivate a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them.

Interpretation of Experiences. Self-narratives provide interpretations and meaning to our experiences. They help us make sense of why things happen and how they impact us emotionally.? Jim Loehr in “The Power of Story” emphasizes the importance of the narratives we construct about ourselves and our lives, and how these stories influence our behavior, emotions, and outcomes. Loehr believes that by crafting empowering narratives and adopting a growth-oriented mindset, individuals can enhance their resilience, motivation, and overall performance.? Key here are the words construct and crafting.? It is the individual who determines the content of the story and whether the story is aligned with successfully navigating through emotional states.

Self-Talk. Self-narratives are reflected in our self-talk, which can be either supportive and empowering or self-critical and limiting. Positive self-talk can boost self-esteem, while negative self-talk can erode self-confidence.? Numerous authors have written about the topic of self-talk, which encompasses the internal dialogue or thoughts that individuals have with themselves. ?In his seminal book, “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself” Shad Helmstetter offers insights into how self-talk influences behavior, emotions, and overall well-being. Helmstetter emphasizes the importance of positive self-talk and provides practical strategies for changing negative thought patterns.

Stories that Go Awry

When personal stories go awry, it can have significant implications for an individual’s sense of self, well-being, and relationships.

Negative Self-Narratives. Sometimes, individuals develop negative or self-defeating narratives about themselves based on past experiences, trauma, or internalized beliefs. These narratives can lead to low self-esteem, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy, hindering personal growth and fulfillment.? Dan P McAdams an author and researcher shares in his writing that negative self-narratives can lead to a fragmented or incoherent sense of self, which is associated with various psychological issues, including depression and anxiety. These narratives can undermine an individual’s sense of agency and self-worth.

Rigid Identity Narratives. Individuals may become overly attached to certain aspects of their identity or life story, leading to rigid and inflexible narratives. This can lead to a fixed mindset that limits the ability to adapt to change, explore new possibilities, or integrate conflicting aspects of their identity, causing distress and stagnation. Carol Dweck ?in “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” highlights how rigid beliefs about abilities can limit personal growth. It is important to address rigid identity narratives to foster a more flexible, dynamic, and multifaceted view of the self, which can lead to greater resilience and personal growth.

Victim Stories. When stories that turn into victim stories, it can add an additional layer to the narrative.? Emphasizing the role of the individual as victim, they often highlight challenges, adversity, and suffering, often with the intention of seeking empathy or support from others.? Individuals may adopt narratives that position them as perpetual victims, blaming external circumstances or other people for their hardships and difficulties. While acknowledging legitimate struggles and injustices is important, perpetuating a victim narrative can perpetuate feelings of powerlessness and hinder personal agency and growth.? Although sharing difficult experiences can be a healthy way to seek support and connect with others, it’s essential to distinguish between seeking genuine support and engaging in self-pity. The tone and intention behind the story matter.

Brene Brown in “Rising Strong” touches upon victim narratives as part of a broader discussion on how individuals navigate difficult experiences and emotions.? Brown encourages individuals to acknowledge their pain and struggles without adopting a victim mentality. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing and processing difficult emotions while also taking ownership of one’s story and choices.

It’s important to approach victim stories with empathy and understanding, as many people who share these narratives are genuinely struggling with challenging circumstances. However, it’s also important for individuals who frequently share victim stories to consider how this narrative impacts their well-being and whether it aligns with their goals for personal growth and empowerment.

Retelling the Story

Byron Katie, author of “Loving What Is” introduces a method of self-inquiry that helps people identify and question the thoughts that cause suffering. The four-question process engages an examination of thoughts.? The examination includes Is it true; Can you absolutely know that it’s true; How do you react when you believe that thought; Who would you be without the thought?? From these questions, an exploration of the story emerges that allows individuals to re-tell and re-craft the narrative.

We are wired for narratives as we use imagination to create them.? When we tell ourselves stories, we begin to live into them as our brains do not recognize the difference between imagined or real experiences.? They are both created in the same way.? The narratives we craft lead to both emotional and behavioral responses which over time can create our reality.? A favorite coaching question has been “is that the story you want to live into”?

Take a moment to ask yourself what story you are living into.? Self-narratives can either promote resilience and personal growth or hinder them. Positive narratives often lead to greater resilience, while negative ones can impede progress.? It’s important to recognize that the stories we tell ourselves are not fixed but can evolve and be consciously shaped. Engaging in self-reflection, seeking therapy or coaching, practicing self-compassion, and adopting positive self-talk are strategies that can help you develop more constructive and empowering self-narratives that support your well-being and personal growth.