What's Your RQ? (Resilience Quotient)

Resilience. The word makes you want to sit up a little taller or lift your head a little higher. Resilience is the ability to recover, to spring back, to thrive, and to become strong after, or in spite of, weakness. Resilience in others inspires us, and we admire those who have learned to thrive. Resilience looks glorious when we see it in others because we only see the triumph, not the struggle. We only see the light after the darkness, and in truth, that’s all we want to see. It’s only inspirational when we see the worthwhile fight and the victory. 

Some people master resiliency at an early age, while others may not find it until old age. Some never find it. Some people learn to be resilient to some circumstances, but not others. 

The journey of resilience can be broken down into three phases. These are emotional stages, not physical ones. The first phase is the most difficult. It’s the dark time when you are actively living through despair. I call this the Captivity phase. The second phase is the Coping phase where you are out of the worst of the situation, and you are “okay” but still bound and broken inside in some places. The third phase is the Conquest phase where you have overcome and can now call yourself resilient.

How fast and how quickly we rise to resilience is determined by our Resilience Quotient, our ability to move beyond surviving to thriving. The higher our Resilience Quotient, the greater our ability to overcome whatever happens to us in life and move from the Captivity phase to the Conquest phase. 

I don’t think you can learn to be resilient until you have lived through the dark and come through to the light. 

I learned far too young life isn’t fair. Raised on an isolated farm in Alabama, I was sexually abused by my father from age 12 – 19. I was dressed up, photographed nude, beaten, tied up, raped, emotionally blackmailed, and psychologically abused. I was forced to play the role of a wife and shared with other men due to my father’s perversions. Desperate to escape, I left home at 19 without a job, a car, or a high school diploma. 

When we have mastered resilience we have learned to thrive in spite of our circumstances. That doesn’t mean life gets easy all of a sudden – far from it. It simply means we are better equipped to deal with the storms of life because we have learned to be resilient. The more resilience you have, the faster you can spring back up when life knocks you down. There will still be times when you get knocked down, but now you have learned how to get up again and again.

We always have the freedom to choose resilience. It starts with choosing to look for the positives in any situation. (Yes, even COVID-19 will cause some positive things. Look how many people are pulling together, helping others, and cheering on our medical professionals)

“The last of human freedoms is the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” ~Viktor Frankl

It’s so very simple and yet so difficult to do. To move through each phase and ultimately reach our own victory, we must start by changing our thoughts. Our thoughts will determine our feelings, and our feelings start to determine what we do, what we say, and where we end up. It’s much like realizing you can affect your health by putting good food into your body instead of junk food. If you put good thoughts into your mind, you can affect your emotional health in much the same way. 

I probably take it farther than some people. For example, I’m not very tolerant of social media “friends” who post negative words, pictures, or comments. If someone posts something negative, I simply “un-friend” or "un-follow" them. I don’t mean someone sharing their struggles, I mean someone sharing something rude, crude, ugly, profane, demeaning or anything along the lines of blaming someone or putting someone else down. I un-friended someone today for tagging me in a political post without my permission. 

Another example is how I don’t spend time with negative people. I’ve left behind friends in the past, not because I’m better than they are – I’m simply focused on moving in a positive direction. If we aren’t going to the same place, there isn’t any reason to travel together. 

This has been an excerpt from Beyond Bound and Broken: A Journey of Healing and Resilience by Ria Story.

Leadership speaker and author Ria Story, offers uniquely designed leadership development and personal productivity content. Ria empowers professional women to increase influence, develop leadership, and maximize results so they can discover and develop the leader they are destined to be. 

Visit RiaStory.com for resources, podcast info, programs, and books on leadership, success, and personal growth.