What's your inner dialogue?

Our thoughts create the foundation for how we see ourselves and the world, and are often rooted in early experiences that can linger well into adulthood. Negative thought patterns, especially, have a way of sticking around, shaping our actions and interactions. But we don’t have to be stuck with them. By exploring and better understanding where these thoughts come from, we can reframe them and create a different, better experience for ourselves.?

In this edition of Words at Work, we’ll dive into the power of our inner dialogue and our ability to transform it.?

Why Negative Memories Stick Around

An abundance of research has found that negative memories have more power than neutral or positive ones—a phenomenon called negative memory bias. This is especially evident for people with PTSD symptoms like panic attacks and depression, according to a 2022 study by Imbriano et al.?

Additional research suggests that negative memory biases don’t just come from increased recollection of bad memories, but the reduced recollection of positive ones. For example, someone with depression might find it easier to recall bad memories and harder to recall good ones (Dillon, 2015).?

Consider this: How would we have survived as a species if we didn’t remember where the tiger lived? We probably wouldn’t have. So, our brains have evolved to hold onto that information—to imprint negative information more deeply than positive information—in order to keep ourselves safe.

So while we may have hundreds of memories of fun, loving moments with friends and family, our natural inclination is to recall the negative ones a bit more profoundly. But when there’s no tiger behind the bush, ruminating on negative thoughts can become problematic and hold us back. The good news is, we can train ourselves to pivot out of them.

Our Nervous System and the Illusion of Being “Over It”

We may say, “That was a long time ago—I’m over it” when referring to early life experiences that were unpleasant. The fact is, our nervous system codes and stores away negative events even if our thinking brain declares we’ve moved past them. Even if we’re not consciously aware of it, a triggering event can reactivate those neural pathways and bring that experience back into the forefront, maybe even causing reactions and behaviors that don’t serve us.

Think of the last time you overreacted to a situation (it’s okay, we all do it). Maybe it was in response to an innocuous comment from your partner that felt like?criticism. You may have even surprised yourself with how reactive you became, but weren’t clear on why it happened or how to avoid it next time. Chances are, you were triggered by something that re-activated an old thought pattern/neural pathway without you even realizing it.

What is a trigger??

A behavioral trigger is any stimulus that impacts our behavior.

External triggers come from the environments (think how certain aromas conjure childhood memories), while internal triggers come from thoughts and/or feelings that are not connected with any outside stimulus, such as memories of past experiences.

In his book Triggers, world-renowned executive coach Marshall Goldsmith writes, “The more aware we are, the less likely any trigger, even in the most mundane circumstances, will prompt hasty unthinking behavior that leads to undesirable consequences. Rather than operate on autopilot, we’ll slow down time to think it over and make a more considered choice.”

Getting triggered and then taking your feelings out on others is a common manifestation of unresolved trauma. The more we make an effort to unpack these traumas and learn to decipher real threats from imaginary ones, the better we can show up in our relationships.

Inner Dialogue Mapping

Our early experiences don’t just impact our relationships; they dictate our inner dialogue and shape our self-concept—the image we have of ourselves. But that doesn’t mean they hold all the power. Developing self-awareness is the critical first step in learning how to choose thoughts that serve us better.

That’s right—we can choose better thoughts, rather than falling victim to self-limiting belief patterns that have evolved over time, maybe from early life. But it takes work and practice to get good at it.?

In my personal journey, that work came in the form of understanding and unpacking the fear-based, negative thought patterns that kept me stuck, well into my forties. I beat myself up with self-judgment, shame, and harsh inner dialogue, which, of course, impacted how I showed up in the world for myself and those closest to me. Once I got curious about why that was (a potpourri of inconsistent and sometimes harsh messaging in my first family), I became able to deconstruct and reframe the negative thought patterns.?

Through consistent work and practice at reframing those old thought patterns, I was able to move from feeling uncomfortable in my skin to feeling empowered, self-assured, and confident.

This process is touched on in my Inner Dialogue Mapping exercise, which you can download here. By writing down, without judgment, life events, experiences, or even words that have influenced your inner dialogue, you can raise your awareness about how your self-concept has evolved and perhaps gain a better understanding of how you relate to yourself and others.?

Trigger warning: Only embark on this exercise if you feel safe doing so. If you struggle with unresolved trauma, you may consider first exploring work with a mental health professional and/or a trauma-informed coach.?

Conclusion

As we navigate the complexities of our thoughts and the lasting impact of memories and early experiences, it's important to remember that change is not only possible, but well within our reach. Increased awareness of our inner dialogue is the first step toward pivoting from negative to empowering narratives.?

Note: My Inner Dialogue Mapping activity is part of my FEAR Formula online course. Click here to learn more about what the course offers and/or to enroll.?