What's Wrong with Our Young Males? (Part II)

How to Stop Broken Boys from Becoming Misguided Men

In the second installment of this three-part series, we’ll explore why our young males lack confidence, where it shows up, and how we can help them move past low self-esteem roadblocks.?

Lack of confidence. This is foreign to my wiring makeup, but quite common with so many of our males on a self-sabotage? mission. It shows up as being consistently doubtful, unassertive, insecure, uncertain, hesitant, anxious, or hopeless, among other telltale signs and problematic symptoms. Even the perpetual state of analysis paralysis, or not being able to make up your mind, can be rooted in a lack of confidence. Behavior clusters are often dead giveaways for internal deficits. Males who lack confidence — regardless of their age — will typically have trouble looking you in the eyes. And when you make eye contact with them, they will quickly look away, look scared, or look down (aka Timid Ted). Their handshake is often limp and unimpressive, likely due to being gripped by unrelenting fear or gut-wrenching apprehension, especially when meeting someone new (aka Fragile Freddy or Stammering Sammy). They can be unusually shy, sheepish, or shaky; sometimes it’s difficult to hear what they’re saying, even when standing right next to them (aka Whispering Willie). Their posture is concave when standing up, or wilted like a dying flower when sitting down; even with a taller frame, they make themselves look small because they often feel invisible (aka Shrinking Shannon). Lastly, males who have confidence issues will display a wide variety of distressing body language signals, such as scratching their temple with a shocked facial expression when caught off guard after being asked to speak in front of a group (aka Nervous Ned). Alright, let’s go under the hood to find out what’s driving the confidence gap in our young men.

Correlation doesn't equal causation, but it should lead to contemplation.

In the womb and outside of it, a baby’s biochemical mapping system or frequency network is being formed. Think?serotonin,?dopamine,?GABA,?acetylcholine, and?endorphins?on the neurotransmitter side, with the endocannabinoid system serving as the symphony conductor or traffic cop for the body’s electrical grid. On the hormonal side, think?vasopressin,?testosterone,?oxytocin,?insulin, and?cortisol, with the hypothalamus initiating the production show or disruption flow of the endocrine system. Neurotransmitters allow us to express our humanity (hopefully in a humane manner), while hormones provide us with the opportunity to proliferate as humans. What can disrupt or short-circuit this developmental process? A lot. Fetal alcohol syndrome, drug addicted caregivers, chaotic upbringing, parental neglect, substandard living conditions, environmental toxins, poor nutrition, and genetic predispositions can hamper human biochemistry and circadian rhythm at an early age. In fact, these debilitating conditions can cause a host of downstream problems for the affected child that can haunt him for the rest of his life — literally. I speak from personal experience as a lifelong competition junkie and former drug addict; I realize this substance-abuse confession is a shocking revelation for some of you who know me quite well. However, transparency is key to helping others break free from what’s holding them back.

The drug of choice is the result of the pain plug of force. Show me the addict who is chemically altered or competitively alerted, and I’ll point you to his or her biochemical dysfunction.

Now to insecure attachments and their possible role in males who lack confidence. Bonding shortfalls with primary or secondary caregivers as an infant, and this includes breastfeeding challenges, can create a timid teen, anxious adult, or sickly senior citizen years (or even decades) later. Say what? These individuals are, or were, more prone to low self-esteem issues, depressive tendencies, and anxiety-ridden behaviors in adolescence because of?the drop*. Secure attachments on the other hand — notably giving a child the proper care, concern, and compassion that he needs at pivotal stages of development — have been associated with adequate levels of?oxytocin, the bonding, trusting, and loving neuropeptide. So, unconfident males will, at some point, have problems with one or all three of these connection pathways relationally, inspirationally, and navigationally. Perhaps this might explain why so many of them are more comfortable hiding out in a virtual space rather than being seen in a physical place. By the way, there are oxytocin receptor sites in the eyes. That screen — TV, cellphone, or monitor — is a bonding apparatus. Doesn’t matter who the person is on the other end; it’s an equal-opportunity disrupter of neurotransmitter function and hormonal health. This is controversial, but it needs to be asked given the stakes at play. Could a lack of confidence in males correlate with lower levels of endogenous testosterone? According to Youtube sensation and famed Stanford professor, Dr. Andrew Huberman, testosterone’s nemesis or arch rival isn’t estrogen, it’s cortisol — the stress hormone! Not surprisingly, these hormones tend to share an inverse relationship. As one goes up, over an extended period of time, the other is likely to go down.

*Reference: Adabel Lee and Benjamin L. Hankin. Insecure Attachment, Dysfunctional Attitudes, and Low Self-Esteem Predicting Prospective Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety During Adolescence. NIH: National Library of Medicine. September, 9th, 2009.

It might not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to deal with your underlying biochemical deficiencies. Young man, don’t let that self-defeating label or misplaced identity destroy your incredible potential. As a paternal representative, I release the father’s blessing over your life today.

I know a great deal about being dropped. And this is not a “feel sorry for Lawrence Funderburke” diatribe. I don’t need anyone’s sympathy or empathy while reflecting on my tumultuous childhood. However, millions of young men across America do. They’re in the fight of their lives, battling self-destructive thoughts or suicidal tendencies. It’s about their sanity, not my legacy. Here’s a brief overview of my upbringing for contextual purposes. I was born in abject poverty. I grew up on welfare in a female-dominated home with three older sisters and my single-parent mother, Laura. Although only qualified and equipped to fulfill one of them, she had to perform two parenting roles. Rest in peace “Ma Dukes.” The Sullivant Gardens Housing Projects, formerly located in “The Bottoms” on the westside of Columbus, was a hellhole. As the mecca of on-demand entertainment (free of charge, I might add), it was nicknamed Madison Square Gardens. Action-packed knockouts, constant drama, and eviction humiliation rituals were the norm, not the exception. Imagine standing courtside watching someone get sucker punched after refusing to pay a $2.00 side bet in craps. That scene is still etched in my head — seeing people go to sleep before hearing that sound, as in their heads hitting and bouncing off the pavement. Arguments over trivial issues like who had a finer grade of hair, lighter skin, or better jokes. Seriously? More trash was laying outside the dumpster than placed inside of it. No cap. This never happened to me, but I remember getting off the school bus a few times and witnessing a classmate break down in tears after seeing his family’s belongings on the side of the curb. He was horrified and embarrassed! Man, I felt so bad for him that it made me feel sick. The jokes were nonstop too; he got clowned by his peers for being on the wrong side of the fate equation. I can go on and on, but you get the point. I was fortunate to make it out of the ghetto, but not without any scars.

“It’s kind of hard to be a man in today’s society, trying to figure out how to make the right moves in life when feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility.”

— Tristan Segaux (21), Mentee

You see, sometimes our young men have to deal with that drop and confidence hit through no fault of their own. Some of you may be familiar with the biblical story of Mephibosheth. I suspect most readers are not. As Johnathan’s son and King Saul’s grandson, royalty was in Mephibosheth’s bloodline. This meant he would, at some point, be crowned the eventual king of ancient Israel and Judah. Didn’t happen. At the age of five, a caregiver dropped him in haste as news spread that his father Johnathan had been killed in battle. This resulted in Mephibosheth being paralyzed for the rest of his life. Talk about a double whammy of misfortune. Until he is shown favor by King David, Mephibosheth spent a significant part of his life as a pauper in the ghetto town (scholars’ term, not mine) of Lo Debar. In Hebrew, Lo Debar is translated as “place of nothingness.” On the bottom rung of society — that’s exactly how Mephibosheth saw himself, which his life outcomes confirmed. He even referred to himself as “a dead dog” when meeting King David face-to-face for the first time (2 Samuel 9:8). From the penthouse to the outhouse, what an amazing turn of events for Mephibosheth. And so, many of our young men have been dropped by a parent, grandparent, extended family member, partner, former boss, coach, teacher, friend, neighborhood, company, system, an accident (after being involved in or witnessing a horrific one), or a rare genetic condition. For some of them, their drop was self-inflicted. Bad attitudes. Bad habits. Bad circumstances. Regardless of who’s at fault, the drop can lead to shattered confidence.

In conclusion, poor self image and negative self talk often go hand in hand when our young men miss the confidence mark. How they see and speak to themselves will play a major role in what they do (or don’t do) with their lives. Of course, time is of the essence. An?upgraded vision?and?redirected voice?are critical for better life and legacy initiatives. With every mentee or client, I’m assessing their visual center and GPS system in that first meeting. Why? Because sight and vision are both located in the occipital lobe. And those who lack confidence are being driven by the sight of dismal circumstances, not the vision of a promising future. Sight deals with baselines (or where a young man currently stands in life), and vision spotlights the benchmarks (or what goals he can accomplish based on his firm level of commitment). Now, a redirected voice involves just as much work to improve as the upgraded vision. Belief, as measured by faith and confidence, is housed deep within the temporal lobe. This is why a young man will talk himself into or out of a blessing with his inner dialogue. Pay attention to his verbs, adverbs, and proverbs! They’ll let you know what he believes is possible or impossible to achieve in life, and more importantly, what the young man does with the opportunity in front of him. It’ll be pursued or bypassed. Either way, a choice has been made. Stay tuned for the final installment in this series. Until next time, be blessed.