What’s wrong with being right?

It may seem a bit strange but sometimes being right can be counter-productive.

In western culture we put a lot of value on being right. Getting the answer right at school right through to being sure that you’ve got the right idea or the right view in everything from nutrition to politics.

And yet being right isn’t always the best place to be – or rather insisting on being right isn't always so clever.

Come to my up-coming workshop, Stop Arguing, Get Closer and find out more about the pitfalls of being right.

It helps to have the right information when you’re sitting an exam. But it’s not always so helpful in a relationship.

I still remember the day that I realised that my mother wasn’t infallible and sometimes got things wrong. I think I was about 13 (which is probably a bit late!). But strangely I held onto the notion that I know when I'm right about something until I was in my 60s.

Being right and the British public school system

I blame it on boarding school. It was at boarding school that I had to recognise that Mum wasn’t right about everything. And that was just one of many insults to my adolescent psyche.

But of course in such a competitive environment it was important to get things right and get the As. And it was also important to have an opinion and stick to it. I remember the insecurity I experienced when I realised I didn’t know what to think about an issue. And then it was so important to put an opinion together at top speed!

This worked well at school. I got the As I wanted, and with all those opinions I started to have some standing among the other girls. And that was super-important because in the beginning I had no standing whatsoever.

But of course women who hold their opinions inflexibly don’t get a good rap in our society. People don’t like ‘opinionated’ women. So then I had to tone it all down.

So here we all are, these ‘survivors’ of the public school system (for my American cousins that means private, not state school) who have this overwhelming need to be right, all… the… time. And our need to be liked, admired and respected. So not to appear opinionated.

What happens when you’re always trying to be right in a relationship?

Being right – or trying to prove that you’re right – all the time is actually very anti-relational. It does not promote trust, connection or intimacy, and it’s not very likeable!

This wouldn’t be such a problem if being seen to be right hadn’t been so essential to my sense of self. And I know it’s the same for other women who went to boarding school.

The trouble is that I didn’t realise until a few years ago that my insistence on being right had been alienating my now ex-husband. It was my current partner who spotted it, identified it as a trait characteristic of ex-boarders (being one himself) and very gently and kindly encouraged me to let it go.

It’s been a revelation! I’ve realised that by needing to be right all the time I had shut down to my partner’s experience and I wasn’t learning or growing.

What does it look like, this need to be right?

Sometimes it’s as simple as pointing out that your other half has got something wrong. As in “you’re wrong when you say that the dishwasher uses less water than washing up by hand.”

In this case the question is not which method uses more water, but what will it do to our relationship if I keep banging on about it?

However needing to be right can be way more subtle than this. For instance a compulsion to add extra information to something your partner tells you so that you look intelligent (yep, I’ve done that). Or insisting that the deity has no gender, when he tells me she must be female (yep, done that too).

In this case it’s more a question of recognising that you can hold different views and everything will be okay.

The worst kind of needing to be right is holding the moral high ground. Coming over all self-righteous because your partner did something you deem to be morally indefensible. Like using the dishwasher when it was only half-full. Or more seriously when they accuse you of something you didn’t do or give you a really hard time over a minor infraction.

Judging your partner for this kind of behaviour doesn’t help. Because nobody likes to be shown up. If you want to stay connected with your partner you have to replace judgement with curiosity and compassion. That will allow both of you to move back towards connection and intimacy.

How do I do this thing of not needing to be right?

It’s one of those things which is simple but not always easy.

The first step is to notice what you’re about to say. Then you pause and take a breath. Then you choose: do I want to prove I’m right here? Or do I want to find a way forward which will allow me to stay in connection with my other half.

It takes practice and you may find that you don’t notice what you’re doing until you’ve already launched into proving you’re right. But it’s never too late to stop and apologise, and then back off and move into compassion & curiosity.

Needing to be right is one of the Five Losing Strategies in relationships. If you’d like to get to grips with more of these Losing Strategies you can come to my workshop, Stop Arguing, Get Closer, on January 29th, where I’ll be talking about them and introducing new ways of communicating which promote connection and intimacy.

You can register here.