What's the worst Halloween candy (and why is it candy corn)?

I'm sorry... you've all been tricked. You have just walked into a candy corn bashing session. The doors have been locked behind you. So sit on down and get uncomfortable, because this intervention is long overdue. You know it and I know it.

Ok, so where do I start?

How about the fact that it tastes plastic. Why are we eating plastic? ??

You people have no souls. Just plastic in your teeth. Why for?

Look me in the eye... ???? ?? You know who I'm talking to.

Candy corn, surprisingly enough, is a CHOICE. Actually enjoying the things you eat? Yeah, buddy... a choice. Free yourself from these shackles.

Because, I mean, as candy, why are you... tacky? Even its colors are off. Candy corn looks like something that belongs near a crosswalk. C'mon man, pull it together!

What type of non-committal, isosceles triangle, safety patrol, fake jelly bean bullsh*t is this? Matter fact, next time I see one I'm gonna have to hide the women and children—this has gone far too far. ?

Candy corn lovers, go ahead; defend yourself...

????I'm sorry... what was that? You'll have to forgive me, I can't understand you with the HANDFUL OF PARKING CONES IN YOUR MOUTH! Let me chill.

???? ???? ???? (woo sah) ???? ???? ???? (woo sah) ???? ???? ???? (woo sah) ???? ???? ???? ?

You know what,?I'm sorry; I'm done. We don't have to talk about this anymore...

Let's talk about something else.

What are y'all's costumes looking like this year? Who are y'all gonna be this year? Somebody from Wakanda? Thing 1 and Thing 2 again? Sabrina Carpenter? Gina and Pam? Peppa Pig?

Actually no, back to the topic. I'm not done, because there's nothing you can do to hide or disguise how bad this candy corn situation is. I gotta?circle?back in hopes that y'all can give it up for good.

Imma need for you to take your final chew and spit it into my hand right now. SPIT IT OUT! This is an intervention, I tell ya.

Consider this: in the realm of candies, this is the "holy crap, I forgot about this project, let me go see if we still have that tube of glue stick and throw something together real quick" candy. If you ask me, I think someone just melted a candle, found some high fructose corn syrup, and hoped and prayed for a C+.

And I know y'all think it's cute to throw two good?things together to make one great?thing, but neither?"candy"?NOR "corn" asked for this! Trust me. They were doing just fine on their own. The conscious uncoupling starts today, but the healing only works if you let it.

For Lack of a Wetter Bird, candy corn is the worst Halloween candy (and you know it).

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