What's Stopping Our Best Leaders From Doing Their Best Work?

Welcome to the "Executive Career Accelerator" Newsletter! If you are new here, ?? click SUBSCRIBE to keep receiving notifications on how get back to your best self, and to be valued for your best work - without compromising your health or time with loved ones. If you find this information insightful, please hit the share.

Why do so many women, sometimes for years, sacrifice their health and personal lives - for the promise that work will make life better and easier?

Women who know they need to make a professional change but find themselves stop-start in the process.

Drawing on my 15 years of experience coaching senior and executive leaders, I recently conducted interviews with women in senior leadership roles across multinational organizations including technology, finance, biotechnology, healthcare, and commercial real estate.

Their voices are woven through this article.

My intention is to share learnings and offer insights and solutions. My hope is this might support one stuck human in moving forward.?

We’re in the middle of massive historical workplace change. The old institutions and ways of working are being nudged to one side by a growing skyline of more inclusive, genuinely competitive workplaces. There are more choices than at any other time in history.

For exhausted leaders struggling in out-dated workplace cultures - this is good news.

What We Already Know

Real culture change is happening

McKinsey, Gallup, Brené Brown Education & Research Group (BBEARG) and others reinforce the link between emotionally intelligent, inclusive organizations and happy, healthy workers, a combination that improves retention and profit.?

The movement towards these changes is real.?

• Diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging [DEIB] is a multiple-billion dollar industry. And while yes, there are places where progress is moving at Darwinian speed, a growing number of companies are getting on board.?
• The American Psychological Association's (APA) “Work and Well-Being Survey” found that 71% of workers believe their employers are more concerned about their mental health than in the past.
• Employees in companies with high internal mobility stay an average of 5.4 years versus 2.9 years in companies with low (APA).
• The International Coaching Federation (ICF) reports a noteworthy rise in coaching cultures within organizations.
• The 2023 Global Executive Coaching Survey shows that coaching cultures are improving employee well-being, increasing retention, and improving performance.?

And.

According to McKinsey's "Women in the Workplace" report, women in senior roles are still significantly underrepresented, holding only 24% of C-suite positions. Additionally, 42% of women report burnout compared to 35% of men.

“I want something more collaborative, without a strong sexist component to my job - I don't want to sit in a board meeting and be called kiddo and young lady. I don't want to fight every day to get my point across.” Rachel R, Vice President, Biotechnology

While there is a growing horizon of workplaces offering great opportunities - some remain long-term unsustainable for women, especially women of color, older women, women with physical restrictions, non-binary, or with non-homogenous hair, weight, or voice.

Not because women aren’t experienced, able, and adaptable, but because they’re human. And forgive me for being quite so on-the-nose, but gender-aside - if you’re misled, talked over, discredited, blocked from advancing, excluded from knowledge sharing, or have others take credit for your ideas often enough, you either break down or have to break out.?

“The same people I was frustrated with from a communication and ethical standpoint were the same people who'd withhold information or be purposefully ambiguous in their directives. So no matter what move you made there could be questions or doubt cast upon it.” KS, Chief Retail Banking Officer, Financial Services

“I don't have access to fundamental business insights and methodology. I'm in a game of telephone and solutioning around second- and third-tier information. I'm set up so that I can't achieve. I don't understand why, but this is an intentional maneuver.” Christina, Vice President, Commercial Real Estate

The Personal Cost of Sticking It Out

At this time in history, record levels of highly qualified, senior & executive women equipped with the knowledge and know-how to make our world better, and hungry to mentor future leaders - are burning out, hiring therapists, quitting, and abandoning decades of experience for an easier life. [McKinsey & Company & LeanIn: Women in the Workplace Study]

And the price outside work is unsustainably high - mental and physical exhaustion, weight gain, sleep loss, migraines, anxiety and depression, medication; relationships suffering, no energy for dating or friends; and irreplaceable time lost with their children.

“I was worried it was taking years off my life. Part of the discussion with my husband was - is it all going to be worth it? I felt like I was transacting, giving myself for money - it wasn't a good equation.” Aly S, VP, Customer Success

“My joy in family, and relationships outside of work suffered - I was really beaten down, living for the weekend. I went on medical leave.” Cynthia M, Senior Account Director, Technology

Why Do Smart, Talented Women Stay?

Whenever we try to simplify human decision-making, we fail. Change is hard for one person, let alone an entire organization. In the case of women in senior leadership I noticed a particular cocktail that, when combined, increases the likelihood of staying until a health, relationship or career breaking point: Loyalty, Double Bind and Learned Helplessness.

#1 Loyalty

Our best leaders care deeply about who they’ve mentored and what they’ve built. They’re loyal to the team they’ve grown and organizational outcomes, not wanting to be the reason things fall apart or hurt those they care about.

“I'm not considering how I feel on a daily basis - I'm considering this is something I built and people are really counting on me." Rachel R, Vice President, Biotechnology:

“[I stay because of] my manager - she’s great - and loyalty to people and the company.” Louise A, Director, Health Insurance

“I love my direct team; and I love my work when certain people aren't around me.” Bridget Gill, VP Customer Service, Technology SAAS

Our best leaders worry about the ripple effect if they leave, and this keeps many staying put. They’re not only excelling at their job - they’re invested. Loyal leaders will try and make things work for as long as possible before making a change.

#2 Double Bind

Worn out women working at a sought-after company, cutting edge start-up, or civil society organization, often find themselves trapped between two narratives when they consider making a move:

• Either - this is as good as it gets: You’re among the best of the best; nowhere else can you achieve your career goals, reach your potential, gain this level of credibility, and either be paid life-changing money or do life-changing work.
• Or - the culture or leadership challenges you’re facing here will be the same or worse anywhere else.?

In general, the higher up, the more concern there is about losing credibility, seniority, or financial security. If you’re over 50, the risks feel even higher. Especially if you still have big professional goals.

The lower the confidence, the more the double-bind internal narrative takes hold. So, top talent are drawn in, and even when that same talent is now sick, divorced, sleep-deprived, and unrecognizable to themselves - it’s hard to leave.

“I felt very torn. I didn't want to make the wrong decision or be ungrateful - people were getting laid off. I didn't know what to do. “ N.W., Director, Healthcare

#3 Learned Helplessness

Women find their way to executive levels because of results. In companies where the climate at the higher ranks changes - these same women with proven track records find it harder to get results. Because of this they start to ask:?

Is it me??

“My confidence is affected, I’m not used to being a poor performer” Cynthia M, Senior Account Director, Technology

We all have a confidence level that’s influenced by the people we spend most time with. But - no matter how sturdy - your feeling of personal power will diminish, and with it your energy, creativity and resilience if:

• You propose viable initiatives and they’re regularly turned down, ignored, or picked up by somebody else
• You’re evaluated based on your results, but not given enough ownership to get those results
• When your team achieves outstanding performance you’re invited to tone things down
• Promotion is restricted by those who gain more from you not advancing

Psychologist Martin Seligman’s theory of Learned Helplessness describes how repeated exposure to uncontrollable and negative events can lead individuals to feel powerless, even when opportunities for change are present (Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death, by Seligman).

The inability to get results can activate confusion and self-doubt - even when part of the brain knows it’s environmental and not personal. Over time, as confidence lowers, delaying a career search or ignoring an opportunity when it pops up - starts to make sense.

“I'm not the person I started out as - I'm no longer me… I don't go after professional opportunities as much, and being social is often how you get opportunities.” Carla, VP Talent Acquisition, Software

Amy’s Story - the loyalty, double bind, doubt cocktail

Mix Loyalty, Double Bind, and Doubt together and you get a cocktail that plays out in this way:

Ingredients:

Amy, a high performing woman in an executive leadership role has invested 6 years at company Z. Heart, sweat, tears, a thriving team, and she believes in the mission of the company.?

Amy’s exhausted and anxious. Yet another initiative didn’t get her the buy-in or promotion she’d been promised, and she too often finds herself either being talked over - or out of the loop during important meetings. She’s aware she’s missing irreplaceable time with her children, and craves dinners with her partner where they don’t talk about her work.

Amy is loyal but deep down knows the sleepless nights aren’t easing up. Exercise, medication and meditation aren’t working. But she’s scared to make a move.

What if she loses credibility because she couldn’t make it work here? Will she lose her seniority? Does she have what it takes? What if it’s worse in the next place?

Amy looks in the mirror at her 20 lbs weight gain, feels the sadness and anger she now lives with daily, struggles to take a deep breath over her racing heart, and promises herself, “Just one more year.”

Instructions:

Step 1: Take a high performing, loyal leader with a history of measurable results, and put them in a culture that erodes their confidence over time by blocking their results.?

Step 2: Add a life-changing comp package or wide scale social impact, and just enough encouragement and buy-in.

Step 3: Mix with a scarcity narrative that there are very few, if any, other options and everywhere else is just as challenging.

Result:

That leader will stay.

They’ll try and make it work - at all costs.

What’s the Solution?

Change isn’t simple, it’s rarely done well alone, and anyone who promises “3-steps-to-recover-from-burnout-and-land-your-next-great-role" should be avoided.

Unfortunately, when senior level leaders seek out support they’re faced with a marketplace that’s drowning in career, life, and executive coaches offering cookie-cutter programs. One-size-fits-all tactics that fail to integrate the complexity, values and potential of each person.

There’s no quick fix.

But there is a steady, strategic way forwards. My program, the Career Clarity Accelerator, includes the following three elements that I've found to be helpful and practical:?

#1 Exit

Start with the end in mind

When starting in a new role it can feel counterintuitive to continue taking actions that progress your career. But this is the period when you have the most energy, positivity, creativity - and control over your time.

It’s especially important if you enter a male-dominated workplace, or you have a ‘feeling’ about what you’re stepping into.

An exit plan doesn’t have to be 100% clear, but it does need to include:?

1. An aspirational next role that plays to your strengths [not just what you're good at]
2. Your culture must-haves
3. Core skill set requirements, so you know which skills to actively develop
4. External mentor, advisor or coach
5. Time frame

Investing a little each week into an exit plan provides an immeasurable feeling of peace and safety, and prepares you for a well-planned, non-reactive move if needed.

If you didn’t do this early on, now is the next best time.

You’ve done your part. The ceiling is slowly cracking. It’s not on you to break it.

“A career lesson I had to learn is that it had to be mutually beneficial. I can still be very loyal but there has to be something that's also in it for me - we're both getting something amazing.” Aly S, VP, Customer Success

#2 Expand

No one advances alone

Reconnecting with or expanding your network is often one of the last things exhausted senior leaders have energy for.?

Not necessarily because they don’t know how to reach out, but because they want to do it thoughtfully and not waste anyone’s time.?

“Across my pretty large network and experience, where would I focus and be intentional about networking to try and pursue a different path? I want to be intentional - not just throw spaghetti against the wall.” Patti M, Senior VP, Retail Consumer Packaged Goods [CPG]

There are two good reasons to prioritize exit plan networking:

1. Opportunities come through who you know and who knows you, and this takes time.?

In social sciences, Network Theory proposes that the structure of networks influences the availability and accessibility of opportunities. If you’re well-connected you probably have access to more opportunities.

2. Connecting with others who’re thriving in their careers sparks inspiration, bravery, and ideas. Find champions. On the difficult days they can make all the difference.

“I needed role models so I could see it was going to be okay on the other side.” Aly S, VP, Customer Success

#3 The Wellbeing Clock

You have about 12-24 months

In general, once a woman recognizes she’s in an unsustainable professional environment, a 12-24 month exit plan is vital.?

I’ve noticed that delaying longer than 2 years leads to significant declines in health, resilience, and the ability to accurately measure risk and evaluate value. This is fertile ground for the double bind narrative.

“I [started to] believe I only had value inside this organization, that I wouldn’t be effective anywhere else.” Christina, VP, Commercial Real Estate.

Take your declining resilience seriously.?

If you’ve color-coded your schedule, and attempted no email on the weekends; tried meditating, exercising, and healthy eating; communicating, negotiating, begging, pleading and thinking positively - and you’re not making progress — it’s not you.

There’s something missing in the approach.?

Reach out for support.

All change requires leaving some things and people behind, but the right change doesn’t mean blowing up all you’ve built and care about. And while every workplace has challenges, you can find a flavor of challenge you’ll thrive in.

More and more opportunities exist - and some of them are looking for exactly what you have to offer. These opportunities live in the conversations not yet had. You don’t have to know the way through - just start.?

Work can make life better and easier, but we have to trust our limits; and when we reach them, value ourselves enough to begin seeking better.?

Step one: pivot loyalty back to the woman in the mirror, she knows what’s best.

Thank you to all the women who contributed to this article. Helping me deepen resolve, refine frameworks, validate and nuance my understanding. It was a privilege to meet you, and I wish I could share all of your words and stories here. I feel grateful to continue the conversation with some true allies.

If you're a senior leader and deep down know it’s time to either improve where you are or make a change, but you’re struggling with clarity and feelings of loyalty I’d love to hear your story. Let’s see if my program: The Career Clarity Accelerator can help. Schedule your discovery call here.

About Clara

Clara Chorley is the founder of Clarity Unlimited and an Executive Career Coach. She helps successful senior leaders get back to their best selves and be valued for their best work. Work where they shine, are compensated well, and have the autonomy and buy-in to succeed - while taking care of themselves and honoring the relationships that matter most. She has helped leaders from a variety of industries including technology, finance, energy, HR and healthcare - make exciting career upgrades that align with their values and priorities.

Her diverse international professional background and education, plus personal journey back from burnout means she deeply understands the strategy, psychology, pacing, and personalized approach required to see a great-fit professional change all the way through. Clara is on a mission to empower our best business leaders to excel and be recognized for their contributions – to elevate more good people to positions of power and drive positive, sustainable change in workplace culture and overall organizational impact.

"If you're a senior leader wanting to get unstuck and advance some exciting professional goals, I’m here to help. Let’s get you back to your best self, and bring your professional dreams to life!"

Connect with Clara on LinkedIn - find client testimonials

Book your Discovery Call