What's the So What? Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone & Sheena Heen

Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone & Sheena Heen

What's the So What in 100 words

Giving feedback is hard. Many of us (nobody reading this, of course) struggle to do it well. Therefore the key to better feedback is the receiver taking the lead. Where we need to be clear on whether feedback is appreciation, coaching, or evaluation. And, like hard alcohol, it's often better not to mix them all together. When we disagree with somebody's feedback, let's be curious and live "let's explore, tell me more" to determine whether the disconnect is different underlying data or a different interpretation. And let's reflect on what's most likely to trigger us when we receive feedback. Because while we can't control all the feedback we receive, we have much more control over the "second score" of how we react to it. And, often, this "second score" is more important because it guides if and how we learn and grow from feedback. Which is the main point.

Why and when did I read Thanks for the Feedback?

I read it in early 2021: first, because I'd like to give and get better feedback, and second, because my product role spans LinkedIn's learning and employee sentiment offerings, both of which have a meaningful feedback component. Historically, I've tended to praise in public (good!) and also give constructive feedback in public (not so good!). And I've always appreciated feedback as the receiver but also tended towards being defensive vs in an open-minded, curious mode. Therefore, as part of a primary focus over the past 18+ months on being more "calm and kind," I've been digging more into the wonderful world of feedback this year, including enjoying this book I'd highly recommend. ?

Ten So Whats that stuck with me

1. The key to feedback is the receiver, not the giver; pull beats push. We don't need to wait for others to "push" feedback on us; it's our role to "pull" input from our colleagues. And we're in control of what we listen to and act upon, no matter who's giving the feedback. Even when feedback is off-base, unfair, or from people we don't especially like, we can learn. Because, to quote LinkedIn COO Dan Shapero , between 1-99% of all feedback is true , so it's on us to learn to pick up what's signal and what's noise.

2. Feedback lies at the tricky intersection of our drive to learn and our need for acceptance. Feedback introduces the anxiety that we're not quite OK as we are. Therefore, to ensure we're learning, we need to overcome this anxiety to request and receive feedback. This is why the lessons of Radical Candor are so important because often, to take in feedback effectively, we first need to believe the giver cares about us personally. This is why famously raw environments like Bridgewater Associates can sound tougher to embrace if the feedback given isn't built on that initial foundation of personal caring.

3. Truth triggers, relationship triggers, and identity triggers all make receiving feedback harder. Each sets off a different set of reactions and responses: Truth triggers start at the surface level of the feedback (e.g., we think the feedback is wrong); relationship triggers dig into who is the giver (e.g., we're more receptive to input from certain people), and, finally, identity triggers delve deeper into who we are underneath it all (e.g., a piece of feedback may challenge our underlying values). It's our job as recipients to overcome these triggers to remain curious and open to what the giver is sharing with us.

4. We can give and get 3 types of feedback: appreciation, coaching and evaluation. Appreciation motivates and encourages, coaching increases skill and capability, and evaluation defines performance and expectations. As a feedback recipient, we first need to be clear on what type of feedback we're seeking and receiving. Sometimes we're like the Wicked Queen in Snow White: we mainly want reassurance and appreciation rather than honest feedback. If we don't clarify this to the giver, we may receive a laundry list of improvement suggestions instead of the quick affirmation we'd hoped for.

5. It's often best to separate coaching and evaluation or to start with evaluation. Using a school analogy, it's hard to process a teacher's specific feedback until we know what grade we received for the paper. This carries into the workplace, where it's hard to focus on where to improve until we first know where we stand. Performance reviews often combine evaluation - our rating and compensation changes - and coaching, which can work poorly together. Perhaps we should always separate these two conversations to avoid situations when we get hung up on the evaluation and aren't ready to engage on coaching suggestions?

6. When we disagree with feedback, either our data or our interpretation is different. To decide if we want to act upon feedback, first, we have to understand it. Sometimes, like Tom Hanks in "Big", we "don't get it ": how can somebody else see something so differently than we do? To better understand the disconnect, we need to be curious about whether a) our underlying data differ and/or b) we see the same data through different lenses. Focusing on "let's explore, tell me more" vs "that's wrong!" Asking a friend or colleague to act as an "honest mirror" - how the mirror in Snow White acts much to the Wicked Queen's chagrin - can help us understand where disconnects may lie.

7. Humans automatically turn data into interpretation and stories, so we need to keep pushing for the underlying specifics when asking for feedback. We're all wired to turn selective data points into stories immediately: e.g., a few specific items lead to a "that meeting was a waste of time" judgment. This carries over to feedback, where "You crushed that update!" or "You need to work on your executive presence" are incomplete starting points. We can cut through these generalities by asking ourselves, "If we want to follow the feedback, would we know how to do so?" If not, it's on us to ask for more specifics.

8. We can get into the trap of expecting to get feedback on our "perfect" intentions, not the end impact of our actions. Many of us are familiar with research showing 7% of communication is via spoken word, 38% via tone of voice, and 55% via body language. This means the vast majority of our behaviour is known to others but largely invisible to us: it's hard to hear our own tone of voice or see our body language (unless we're gazing at ourselves on Zoom/Teams!). Therefore, we expect to get feedback based on our intentions but have a weaker pulse on our impact (see image below).?

9. We can be a better receiver of feedback if we first know how we tend to react. The first step here is to ask, "How do I typically react?" Where we can ask others how we react to feedback and if they mention that we can get defensive, we can see if we get defensive in that very moment :) I've included two graphics below around how we receive feedback: the first asks us how to reflect on how long both positive and negative feedback stays with us; the second is similar to Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant 's Option B advice around not interpreting situations [feedback here] as permanent (we'll always struggle), pervasive (we struggle at everything), or personal (our struggles are only our fault).

10. Finally, it's helpful to give ourselves a "second score" on how we react to feedback; this can be more important than the initial feedback itself. I love this idea of any piece of feedback we receive having a second score. While we're not in full control of the first piece of feedback - it's somebody else's perspective - our reaction to it usually is. The second score reminds us that the initial evaluation isn't the end of the story; it's the start of if and how we'll act upon it. Connecting back to identity triggers, if our identity is that "I don't always succeed, but I figure out what there is to learn when I fail," then we're already improving each time. ??

Quotables

We are conflicted. Here’s one reason why. In addition to our desire to learn and improve, we long for something else that is fundamental: to be loved, accepted, and respected just as we are. And the very fact of feedback suggests that how we are is not quite okay.

Inside a growth identity, feedback is valuable information about where one stands now and what to work on next. It is welcome input rather than upsetting verdict.

We can test whether advice is clear by asking this: If you do want to follow the advice, would you know how to do so?

It’s not that I was angry, we think, it’s that the situation was tense. But situations are not tense. People are tense.

Don't dismiss others’ views of you, but don’t accept them wholesale either. Their views are input, not imprint.

Want to fast-track your growth? Go directly to the people you have the hardest time with. Ask them what you’re doing that’s exacerbating the situation. They will surely tell you.

So what do I think or do differently today?

Given that I read this fairly recently, these actions fall more into the "going-to-do" bucket vs already well-honed habits:

1. Watch and listen to my behaviours. I've given myself this same action item in the past and failed miserably because it just feels so awkward. I'm happy to watch my rowing stroke or swimming stroke over and over again, but 20 seconds of watching me in a meeting or giving a presentation and I feel super-icky. I'm aware that if 93% of my verbal communication is from my tone of voice and body language, I'd better watch and listen to what I'm doing to understand and then improve. Let me know if you'd like to be "accountability buddies" here: in a Zoom/Teams world, it's never been easier to review how we come across to others, and feeling super-icky isn't a good enough excuse!
2. Ask for more frequent feedback. I've found great value in 360s historically, so now it's making sure to ask for quicker, lighter feedback more regularly. If you're reading this and work with me closely (or have in the past), please consider this an open invitation to offer some feedback. A special Scooby Snack for you if you can separate out what's appreciation, what's coaching, and what's evaluation!
3. Give more frequent feedback. I've always found it easy to give feedback on other's documents; perhaps it's the former consultant coming through, or it's easier to critique writing because it feels more impersonal. I've also found it fairly easy to write up thorough, thoughtful - thoroughtful? - performance reviews in a more formal setting. But I've found it harder to give the regular, in-the-flow-of-work feedback that I know is often most valuable. Therefore if you're reading this and I work with you regularly, now you know why I'll give more feedback. And, yes, to get meta to close, I'd love your feedback on my feedback giving skills too :)

Want to go deeper with the ideas from this book and others?

• To dig in further,?here are both authors giving a talk at Google and here 's one author giving a TedX talk. To book-end LinkedIn COO Dan Shapero's input on receiving feedback , here's his similarly helpful advice on giving feedback .
• Coming soon?WTSWs:?Difficult Conversations ?by Douglas Sheen, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen (overlapping authors with this book) and Can't Hurt Me ?by David Goggins are likely up next. And Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
• Recent WTSWs: Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss +?High Output Management ?by Andy Grove +?The Making of a Manager ?by Julie Zhuo +?Radical Candor ?by Kim Scott +?Atomic Habits ?by James Clear +?The Pyramid Principle ?by Barbara Minto +?Think Again ?by Adam Grant +?You're Not Listening ?by Kate Murphy.
• Finally,?here ?is?a complete list, with ratings, of 600+ books I’ve read. What'd I miss?