What’s Really Happening At The Top?

How start-up leaders can change the culture of loneliness at the top.

“The problem is that it’s lonely at the top!” A senior executive has just exclaimed, in what feels like religious vibrato, in the middle of a leadership workshop.?

The statement bothers me. It doesn’t sit well. It’s not that I have not heard the statement made before. I have heard it plenty. I have coached on it. I have studied leadership material on it. I have given talks on it.

It bothers me because in this context - in a space where the aim is to deepen self-awareness in the leaders present - the statement is made less as a point of reflection and more as a congratulatory statement.

As a matter of fact. A bold pronouncement of what it means to be a serious leader. Perhaps even a mechanism for intimidation. No room for interrogation or exploration. It’s just the way of leadership. It’s an inevitable truth. “It’s lonely at the top.”?

But is it really??

The problem with ‘inevitable truths’, especially as they apply to human dynamics, is that they are often subjectivities presented by their speakers as objectivities. In ontological coaching, we make a distinction between assertions and assessments. Assertions belong to the thing observed and can be proven by some kind of measure.

“We made $20mil in profit in 2023”, is an example of an assertion. Assessments on the other hand belong to the observer and reveal the observer’s internal state including their own expectations, fears and biases.

“It’s lonely at the top,” is an example of a potent assessment that has come to be accepted as an inevitable truth. To reach the summits of leadership at the top is to accede to an isolated reality.

Research conducted by RHR International shows that 50% of CEOs report feeling lonely in their roles. This means that of the remaining 50%, there is a group that is not beleaguered by this same loneliness.

What are they doing differently? What can start-up leaders learn from this category of leaders? Here is what I have observed about the mindset and practice of leaders I have worked with who feel abundantly supported at the top.?

They actively manage how power changes them. A compelling paper by academics from Kellogg, Stanford and London Business School, whose findings are featured in the Wall Street Journal, argues that it’s not so much that it’s lonely at the top, as it is that people with power tend to treat those around them with suspicion and closedness.

This means that when people approach them for deals or for guidance as examples, they tend to receive the interactions with an exaggerated amount of scepticism.

Powerful people are highly suspicious people and this inevitably creates loneliness. Watch how power starts to change your emotional ecosystem. Guard against interpreting the bad of the few as being the way of the many. Remain open to being surprised by the goodness of people.

In a recent interview with Jay Shetty, former First Lady Michelle Obama, shares how even at her and President Obama’s level of leadership, it is important to remain open and not always be suspicious of people’s intentions.

Plus, there is a benefit sometimes to being ‘used’ by people as it helps you build a muscle of discernment you wouldn’t have developed without that experience.?

They intentionally carry their circle of trust to the top. To be lonely at the top means you did not invest, before the stakes were too high, in people that you can trust and mature with.?

Leaders who intentionally cultivate a network of friends, coaches, mentors and advisors, report feeling supported even in some of their most difficult moments. I am inspired by start-up Founder-CEOs who actively nurture circles of like-minded peers with whom they can dialogue and problem-solve.

Just recently I was speaking at a women’s networking conference and was reminded of the power of shared experiences through storytelling. Leadership challenges are more common than we sometimes care to admit.

For every challenge you face, there are likely two or three other leaders, in close proximity to you, who have already been through or are going through this same challenge. It’s easy to misjudge having a network of support as a nice-to-have when you get caught up in your busyness or your self-importance.?

They admit weaknesses and consistently invite feedback. Nothing isolates a leader more than wearing a mask of all-knowingness.

If people with less power than you feel that you are perfect, then they too will hide their own weaknesses. The result – walls of invulnerability that cultivate loneliness in not just leaders but also employees.

The more leaders admit weaknesses, seek feedback and ask for help, the more they discover the wealth of support and resources that are available to them. Saying you are lonely at the top is admitting that you are hiding from being fully seen and don’t know how to ask for help.?

So, while leadership can be hard it does not have to be lonely. While some leadership moments call for leaders to retreat and spend time with themselves, those moments should not mushroom into a lifestyle of isolation.

If the most senior amongst us exhibit and even role model loneliness as a virtue, we create cultures of diminished returns in our organizations. Mistrust, disconnection and a lack of psychological safety become the trickle-down effect.

There is an opportunity to change this given what we now know. Start-up leaders have the best chance of getting it right from the beginning. I look forward to a new cohort of world leaders who will upend this trend.

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