What's the real reason our kids are addicted to their phones?

Sometimes I wonder what is really at the root of the screen time epidemic we are facing with our kids.

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I received an email from the Superintendent of our school system last week acknowledging that the schools are unable to stop students from using their phones.

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As a result, they are putting a new system in place where kids will be forced to lock their phones in pouches every day before school starts and will have them unlocked when they leave at the end of the day.

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On the one hand I appreciate and respect that they are trying to do something about the problem.

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But on the other hand, I worry that we are not getting close to the root issue. We are just resorting to the most basic and antiquated solution we have, to lock their phones away.

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That begs the question though, what is the right solution? Or before that, what is the real root cause of why this addiction to phones started in the first place?

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Obviously, a big part of that answer is in the phones themselves.

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They are amazing technological inventions that almost literally put the entire world in the palm of your hand. Add to it that they’ve been expertly designed to maintain a person’s attention and keep them addicted to that screen; and that seems like a pretty good recipe for addiction.

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I can’t help but think though, that is still not the root cause.

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I recognize this might not be a popular take, but I think the real root cause is that WE (parents/guardians/caretakers/etc.) would rather they be looking at their screens than bothering us.

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For all the talk we do as a society talking about the problem with phones and screens, I think if most of us were super honest, we’d admit we prefer them on their screens. Maybe, we even NEED them to be on their screens.

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It’s not that we are bad people or hate our kids. We understand the very real dangers and adverse effects of too much screen time. We wish there was a better way.

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But if we’re expected to do all the things demanded of us in a day (e.g., work, do laundry, pay the bills, clean up the house, exercise, drive to activities, make dinner, etc.) then we need the kids to get out of our hair and doing something else.

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We want our kids using their phones. We don’t like to admit it and we might feel guilty about it, but it’s the truth.

Our kids are addicted to their devices because most times those devices are the best childcare option we have. We allowed it. In many cases we enabled it.

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Therefore if we want to do something about it, we need to address that root issue. We have to start by looking in the mirror.

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Sounds simple enough, but what does that really mean?

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That means when you are stressed and trying to get ready in the morning, rather than just throwing them in front of an iPad, you have to deal with them at the same time you are trying to pack their backpack, give them lunch, get dressed, take out the garbage, etc.

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That means when you are at a restaurant with friends or family and you want to have a real conversation, you can’t just pop open Youtube and send them off to another realm. You have to figure out how to navigate them being a part of the conversation.

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That means when you are taking a long drive in the car and are tired of hearing them in the backseat and don’t want to listen to anymore Disney songs, you don’t just stuff a screen in their face to quiet them down. You have to engage them some other way or allow them to work their way through their own boredom.

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That means when you just want some time to relax at night and stare at your own screen, update your fantasy football team, or scroll Instagram; you don’t get to crash on the couch and drift off to zombieland, you have to interact with your kids.

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Are those things we are actually willing to do? If we are being honest, do we really want them off their phones that bad?

The evidence and the data seems to tell us the answer is no. We don't actually want them off their phones.?

The tough love reality is though, if you are a parent and you care about your kid’s well-being, then that is the job. You don't get to punt on it. It is our responsibility to guide, teach, and instill the right behaviors in our kids.

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We don’t get to ruin their lives (yes, I am using the dramatic phrase of “ruin their lives” because the research on the harmful effects of excessive screen time/phone usage is very clear) just because we don’t want to deal with them.

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It’s not to say they can never use screens or that we can never steal a break while they watch something or play a game. But we have to accept our responsibility in this epidemic.

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Kids can be annoying, life can be stressful, and phones can be amazing…but none of that can be more important than our kid’s well-being.

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If we want kids to stop staring at their phones so much, I don’t think the answer is to lock them away. And the answer certainly isn’t to give up and let them stare as much as they want.

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If we want our kids to stop staring at their phones, we have to give them an alternative that is better. That alternative is going to take effort from us, the parents.

The problem is, we already exert so much effort in our day, so that is going to be really hard.

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We have to be honest with ourselves about this if we have any hope to fix it.

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Maybe we need to declutter our lives and reduce some of the activities we do so we have more time/energy for our kids.

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Maybe we need to deprioritize spending so much time/energy at work, so that we can dedicate some of it to our kids.

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Maybe we need to accept that as a parent we don’t get nearly as much time to ourselves as we wish we could, because that time needs to go towards our kids.

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The solution will be different for everyone, but the outcome needs to be the same. We need our kids staring at their phones less.

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So next time you find yourself complaining about how our kids never play outside, don’t have any social skills, or seem disinterested in doing anything—take a moment to think about how your actions might have created that.

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This isn’t a blame game; we are all trying to do our best (well most of us at least). But we can’t hide from this anymore. We know better so we need to do better. That is the job.