What's In a Name?

Today I celebrate my Name Day, or rather, the anniversary of the day that I legally became Kestral Gaian.

For those who aren't familiar with the process of legally changing your name, it differs from country to country. But it's a step that many transgender people go through, and is often a defining breakpoint in our careers. When I legally changed my name a few years ago I lost a huge chunk of my network, all my social media followers, and started again from scratch.

But the truth is that, as a trans person who internalised dysphoria for years and tried to write it off as a hundred other things, I'd been using this name long before it became legal. So today I thought I'd share something more personal in the hope that many more people grow to understand this huge and lifechanging milestone in the lives of their trans friends and colleagues.

So, What's in a Name?

I chose the name 'Kestral' when I was around thirteen years old for a few main reasons:

1. I was a huge fan of the book 'A Kestral for a Knave'.

2. I couldn't spell that well and my misspelling just sort of stuck.

3. I was a huge fan of a TV show where people who cared for nature took animal names.

4. I hated my birth name and couldn't see myself using it as an adult, though I had no real idea why at the time.

At first I used it only internally - the odd note I wrote to myself, the odd forum post signoff... I practised writing it, created a signature, but never once spoke it out loud to another human. But it gave me a lot to think about.

When I was 'being Kestral' I was kinder, somehow gentler. I looked out of the window and conversed with the birds and the trees. I listened to the wind. I felt more at peace and one with the world around me.

I pictured living in a small house in New Zealand, friends nearby.

Why was I a woman in these day dreams? Shh, teenage me just wrote it off as an oddity of my brain, part of what made me the 'weird kid'. But I later realised that I was dreaming about the woman that I wanted to be - not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, socially.

I grew up and tried to shake that off. I was a small, angry man, often trying too hard and never really getting it right. I had some triumphs, but ultimately kept feeling sadder and angrier. Nothing I tried helped.

One day, whilst working at Microsoft, I finally admitted to my best friend at the time "I hate myself."

He said that wasn't normal. He was right. But I had locked Kestral away in a cage and STILL hadn't made the connection to the person I was pretending I was and the woman that I wanted to be.

It took time. It took a lot of self-forgiveness, more self-care than I'd ever given myself, some incredible friends, and more therapy than I'd ever planned on having - but eventually I was able to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe, I might be transgender.

I remember sitting on the floor of my therapist's office with a marker pen. She'd got out a giant sheet of paper and we were writing down names that I liked.

I finally had the courage to say "I kind of... always loved this name as a kid... what about Kestral?" We wrote it down.

It felt right. Natural. I immediately signed the sheet of paper with the signature I'd invented when I was thirteen. The cage was finally unlocked, and I got to flap my wings and make my first few tentative movements toward freedom, a bird living amongst the humans. Finally.

So long story short, on this day every year I celebrate my name and the story behind it. I am so thankful for my amazing friends, fantastic colleagues, and the wonderful people in my life - and want to extend love and elation to all who get to pick a new name as they set themselves free. You're amazing!

You know a trans person. Whether you know it or not there's one who works alongside you, or in your extended family, or in another part of your organisation. Be an ally. Make spaces safe. We're not going anywhere, and if you get to know our stories you'll see that we're stronger for the journeys we've been on.

BONUS TRIVIA: Years later, after paperwork and legalities and some time living as me, I wrote a poem called 'Birds and Humans' that drew on this journey. My good friend Saska Ayris set it to music, and in 2014 it was performed by the Melbourne Women's Choir: https://soundcloud.com/lacrecerelle/bah