WHAT’S MISSING? A Psychologist's reflection

Have you ever stopped and looked at the world around you and wondered about it ? OR thought about the world in general? You know the stuff that usually hits us when we see a skinny old lady begging for money at a traffic light, or when we see a picture of a 2 month old baby on FB battling with cancer , or when we have to stand in a never ending queue at the immigiration, or when we hear of war or natural calamities. The stuff that hits us so strong, that in that moment, it creates such powerful thoughts and feelings about either the general state of the world or feeds our motivation to make a difference in this world. The moment that is usually filled with either despair and helplessness or deep promises to self and the universe itself or both!

If you are anything like me, THE MOMENT , the powerful insight provoking, the life changing moment doesn't last very long, does it? Well maybe it lasts till you catch up with a friend over coffee, and share the story, after which it kind of drowns in the yumminess of the frothy latte. To put simply, we get distracted and other things take over our minds. And days or months or years later another moment follows and then another and another. And at some point in this cycle comes helplessness in many different forms. One of the most common forms is anger. Surprised?

Let me explain. So anger is created when something is not right by my standards/rules/values/beliefs/whatever you want to call it. For simplicity let's call it the blueprint, in this case a blueprint of how the world should be. And more often than not, the world out there is not identical to the blueprint that I carry in my mind. Hence, there is an uncomfortable feeling. And when the gap keeps increasing, we feel increasingly helpless, which gives rise to creation of anger. 

For centuries we have believed consciously or unconsciously that anger motivates change! It’s easier to yell at your partner to get the dishes done rather than requesting him/her for the 100th time. The job just gets done! Which kind of confirms our deeply ingrained belief about my anger motivating change.Makes sense? 

Yes, the job does get done. But we also need to stop and reflect as to what do we lose in the process. What can we possibly lose over a couple of dishes right? 

Think again. In that particular moment of anger, I lose the ability to love. In that moment, I am kind of acting against my true self and my core value of having loving relationships. And to top it off, I am reinforcing the unhelpful belief that anger gets work done. Additionally, in that moment, it does create resentment in the other person in the relationship, whether we realise it or not. So at a broader level, little drops of water make a mighty ocean, and when the relationship falls apart we wonder what went wrong!

I am not suggesting that anger is bad, or you must not get angry (in a punitive sort of way), as that doesn't help either. We all know the wonders of suppressed emotions. Remember Sir Freud?

Now let’s look at it from a WORLD level. So remember the gap between my blueprint and how the world is? Plus a belief (unhelpful if i may add) that anger motivates change? So we get angry at the state of the world, which manifests in complaining about how this and that should be and not this way etc, how our government is not doing enough, how people are becoming so selfish etc etc. Sounds familiar? Don't worry, you are not alone in this. We all have different forms and sizes of complaints from this world. I can’t emphasize enough that deep in our heart, we want the world to be a better place, so these complaints are coming from a good place. So don’t beat yourself up about it!

The only problem is that anger drains us! Unless of course there’s sadistic pleasure involved, which has problems of it own! Now don’t tell me that you feel as fresh as a dew drop after an argument. If you do, kudos to you my friend, can i borrow some of you energy please? So, the point being that anger and acting on anger makes us exhausted, not only physically but more so emotionally and spiritually. So hey, then what happens to all the promises I made to make the world a better place? The truth, which we often don't realise is that we lose the energy or motivation to make an effort. Again, I truly believe that the promise is coming from a really good place, and we have all the intention to keep it. But the energy required to fulfill that promise gets utilized! 

Think of it this way. Let's say you made a promise to your friend that you will definitely help him/her with shopping in the evening. Now unexpectedly your boss gave you extra work, your kids more cranky than usual, you didn't even get the time to have a decent meal and at the end of the day you are EXHAUSTED! So how likely are you to keep your promise which, in the morning you had full intention of keeping?

Another exhausting emotion is blame, which is anger’s best buddy. They go hand in hand everywhere. They are so fond of each other that they get separation anxiety if they are not together. You get the picture? So think about the last time you got angry, there will be someone or something that you will have blamed, whether another person, or situation, or yourself, or even weather. If I were to put this story of our mind in one sentence it would sound something like “you are the cause of my anger and I blame you for it”

So coming back to the WORLD perspective, the story sounds pretty similar. So my mind creates a story titled “ I am angry because the world is like this, because the people these days are like that etc etc.” I humbly invite you to introspect on the title of your story, without beating yourself up about it. Beware! our minds are very clever in justifying these thoughts and feelings. So a clever but unhelpful justification might sound like “oh i care about this world, that’s why or hey look I am doing so much for the world, reduced plastic consumption, became vegan etc etc and look at others who do nothing! That’s excellent if we have taken these steps, but let’s also remember that we are doing all of these for ourselves, so that WE can live in a better world. We really are doing ourselves a favor!

Why are these stories unhelpful? You guessed it right, EXHAUSTION and lack of further action. I define action here as not only something that can be seen, but also internal incognito effort to change our thinking and beliefs. And more often than not, the internal effort shows in external action and is likely to be more consistent and authentic than a surface level behaviour change.

So how are we going to survive without blaming someone or something for the way we feel or think? This, at first, may sound like an impossible task. 

Let’s try and understand this and see if there’s any benefit in rising above the blame game. I admit, it took me agessssss to get my head around this and even now sometimes my mind due to its old habit does get caught up in blaming. I am slowly and steadily learning to be more gentle with my mind. 

So coming back to the equation. The blueprint in my mind about how the world should be doesn't match what the reality is, so I create anger/blame (triggered by subconscious beliefs), which leaves me exhausted and I don't have the energy left to take action, which adds to my frustration. And the cycle continues. Imagine, if the majority of the world population was caught up in this cycle, what would the world look like. Infact, I would be brave enough to propose this hypothesis that this is what is happening to our world, amongst other things, of course. Think about it! Despite having all the facilities, all the technology that mankind has ever seen, we still are not happy with the world we are living in. We want to change this, I truly believe we do. But we get tired, and the external situations don't seem to be getting any better.

So what’s missing? Personal responsibility. By this I don’t mean the kind of responsibility that adds to our burden, and makes us more tired. But what i mean is the kind of responsibility that accepts my own individual role in the creation of this external world, without being harsh or critical about it either. By personal responsibility, I also mean a deep realization about the futility of anger and blame, and recognizing the need to nurture compassion and understanding. 

There are a few unhelpful and very subtle beliefs that get in our way of showing compassion even if we feel it inside, and I invite you to check if this shows up in your mind from time to time. Here it goes “if I show compassion/empathy, then the chances of the reduction of the unwanted behaviour reduce, or if i show compassion, the other person will never learn, and will keep repeating mistakes.” I feel the first one shows up due to our own ignorance to our true nature, and the second one because of our inflated sense of justice/ego, that makes us more of a moral policeman than a humble instrument. 

Let’s reflect how compassion can make a difference. Have you ever been in a situation where you have made a big mistake, but instead of criticism and rejection, you were offered compassion? I bet you can never forget that experience because in that moment you felt empowered, you felt relieved, you found it easier to forgive yourself and consequently had more energy to correct your actions or think about solutions. Or alternatively, have you ever been a situation where the other person made a mistake, but somehow you were able to be compassionate about it? How did that make you feel?

When i started experimenting with this whole ‘be compassionate no matter how big a mistake’ concept, i'll be honest it wasn't an easy process. After failing multiple times, I knew I had to start small. So i decided to start the charity at home! And it was almost like because I was ready to take up the challenge, the universe offered me a beautiful domestic help with butter fingers! The breaking of things started with small items, like a tiny candle holder, the soap pump etc, and eventually moved on to bigger things like my favorite oil diffuser. And every time it happened, I reminded myself of the experiment, and kept my irritation aside (to be worked on later) and offered gentle advice on the lines of ‘its okay, please be careful next time’. And gradually, I started to notice her remorse after these kind of incidents, which would have gone completely unnoticed if I had given in to my irritation. This was like a profound AHA moment for me, as I realized she was already punishing herself for it everytime it happened and doesn't need more from me. Compassion and gentle encouragement was needed for her to relax and be more attentive rather than being fearful of making the same mistake, which would end up in more mistakes. And sure enough, it worked! The breakage significantly reduced, if not gone completely. And what did I earn? Her trust, love and loyalty. All the stuff that matters! All the stuff that we as humans crave and sometimes beg for. It has become a joke in my household that by the time we pack our house to move, there won't be much stuff left, which would make our life easier anyway ;)

So, can we apply the same concept to the world? We have made mistakes, all of us that has contributed to the world that we are living in now, no matter how small the contribution, good or bad. And that’s okay! Those mistakes were important too, for our learning. 

Can I, the individual, take personal responsibility to understand and work on my anger, hurt and blame and nurture compassion and understanding towards the matter of the world as well? 

We have tried criticism, punishment, control, fear, to make a change. Has that made the world any better? Has punishment led to a decrease in crime? Infact i think it’s quite the opposite. From a psychological perspective, how can we expect someone to learn kindness (which is missing in a criminal), by role modeling exactly the opposite? I'm not saying that we should encourage the behaviour but something to the effect of ‘condemn the act, not the person’ And if we were to take this even higher, don’t even condemn the act, try and UNDERSTAND the act. If we really get into the minds of people who have committed horrific crimes, they truly and deeply believe that it was the right thing to do, for whatever reason. (yes, I know that’s twisted, but that’s besides the point). Just for a moment, keep aside your notion of good vs bad beliefs and get inside a terrorists mind. If he/she actually truly and deeply didn't believe that the act was the right thing to do to attain something, why would they risk losing their lives over it? Afterall, our life is the most precious thing to us despite nationality, race, colour and so on. Again, not saying we should encourage the behaviour. But to reflect on what have we achieved by condemning the behaviour? Does condemning the behaviour lead to a reduction in the frequency of the behaviour? Maybe superficially and temporarily. But the inherent belief systems of the person capable of committing such acts remains untouched. Hence, whenever there is another opportunity to act on the beliefs, the act will be committed. I think we all have been missing a major step here. Because of our own beliefs and fears, we have lost touch with the patience to try and understand the story behind the beliefs. Most abusers have a heart-wrenching story of being abused themselves. And they get trapped in their own story, because that’s the only reality they have ever known. The job of a psychologist then becomes to take the abuser out of this story through compassion and gentle nudging to create another story that is more humane and socially appropriate .

If punishment led to a permanent change, then the world would be perfect, because we are quite good at punishing ourselves and others. Aren’t we?

The single most factor identified in therapy that motivates a change even in the supposedly worst of cases (this includes criminals), has been found to be compassion of the therapist towards the client. I can vouch for that in my professional experience. Whenever I feel stuck and the therapy doesn't seem to be producing the change I'd hoped for, I inevitably go back to the question, how much compassion I have for this client? Do I really understand his/her story? Or am I viewing this person through the lens of a superficial case conceptualization only? And if I am honest in answering these questions to myself, I find it easier to progress. Also, I must clarify the meaning of compassion/empathy, which can be easily misunderstood. The kind of compassion I am talking about here, involves keeping my own judgements about what is right and wrong aside. It involves having a deep faith in the inherent goodness of human beings and the genuine intention of helping the other person. The intention created not to satisfy one’s own ego, but to really consider oneself as an instrument in the other person’s transformation. This of course takes introspection, silence, questioning, doubting, and a lot of practice of letting go. Additionally, compassion for me means trusting that the other person is doing the best they can, given their circumstances, their experiences, beliefs, strengths and limitations. This ironically helps the other person become more flexible and opens up many possibilities of change.

Compassion doesn't require extensive training, since the capacity already exists within all of us. But yes, it does require a little bit of practice. This may be as simple as noticing the harsh voice within you that pops up (and says things like you’re such an idiot) when you make a mistake (forgetting wallet at home) and gently nurture the kinder voice (its okay, we’ll figure it out together), and gradually extending this kindness to your family, friends, and the world! Like they say, put your own oxygen mask first. Now, this may sound selfish to some of us. And I acknowledge, I have been there as well. However, gradually I’ve come to realize that I just cannot give what I don’t have for myself. One example of this phenomenon which is often seen in therapy is with clients who have low self-esteem and low self-respect. They inevitably have a difficulty in forming or maintaining loving and healthy relationships, which they really desire in their life. And one of the reasons for this is, the lack the ability to have a loving and healthy relationship with oneself, which becomes a focus of therapy at some stage. The way that I look at it now (after a lot of my own struggles) is that, one has to work on being kind to oneself, before that can be extended to others. And even if this sounds selfish for a moment, the results of this practice are quite selfless and extremely rewarding. In psychology, we use the term self-care which means to take care of our own mental, emotional, and physical health . And a psychologist lacking in his/her own self-care becomes ineffective sooner or later. It is not only about considering our needs; it is rather about knowing what we need to do, in order to take care of ourselves, being subsequently, able to take care of others as well.

So, are we ready to inculcate the habit of being compassionate to ourselves for a world that we all dream about and wish for? Imagine what a world it would be if more and more people started doing this?

 Wouldn't that be a cool world to live in?