What’s missing in my gratitude?

My wife and I leave Kerala this evening, after a beautiful two weeks with our family. I am grateful?for this trip. I am grateful for the opportunity. But I realize that many people and circumstances made this trip delightful. Vinod, our driver, patiently drove us to places we wanted to visit. Sindhu, our cook, made homemade dishes. The beautiful monsoon contributed to my nature, which made it a near-magical experience. The sounds of birds and crickets, the smell of home-cooked meals I encountered on my walks made the experience near mystical. The different members of our villager who continue to hold on to the land, and toil agriculturally and maintain the beauty of the countryside, even though they probably get tempting offers from land developers.

The list could go on and on. There are so many people and circumstances to thank, but it made me realize some elements that have been missing in my practice of gratitude.

As I get older, I am trying to practice gratitude. It is a beautiful experience. Practicing gratitude brings increasing amounts of joy. It is a reminder that I am a blessed man. It also allows me to think outside of myself, to be reminded that many of the things I have are a result of providence.

But as I think more about gratitude I realize that while I am grateful?for?many things, I am not adequately grateful?to.

What I mean by this is that I am grateful for things that I have received, but have not been grateful to the people and circumstances through which I have been blessed.

One might ask, why that is important.

Here’s why I think we need to be as grateful?to?as grateful?for.

Grateful?for?is very self-centered. Grateful?to?is very other-centered. While I can be grateful?for?what I have been blessed with, being grateful?to?requires me to think deeply about the other people and circumstances who have contributed to my state of blessedness. Being grateful?to?creates a sense of indebtedness, a sense of obligation, which can challenge our sense of self-sufficiency. It is, however, a humbling moment.

When I think of my present job, it is quite easy to feel grateful?for?what I have. After all, it pays well and has great benefits. But this sense of gratitude needs to be juxtaposed with who I need to feel grateful?to. The folks who helped me get to this position, those who have helped me stay and grow in this position, those who have been patient when I failed and came up short, those who believed in me, those in power who chose not to cut staff when COVID hit and times were tough. I could go on. But the truth is that there has been a cloud of supporters who have helped me in this job, which led to this feeling of gratitude. Suddenly, instead of feeling just good about myself, I am also humbled. I am grateful, but not in a “me-centered” way, but in an “other-centered” way, the debt of gratitude gently reminding me that the reason why I am where I am, is because of others who helped me along the way. There was a village that helped me get to where I enjoy the joy and gratitude of today. It should not be dismissed, nor should it be forgotten.

Now imagine, if I were to extrapolate this into my personal life. While looking back at marriage for over 28 years, parenting for over 25, living in America for 30 years, or life in general for 5 decades. The net result of meditating on, and, practicing gratitude ‘to’ is not overwhelming, but rather overflowing. One begins to realize the many ‘investments’, small and large, that people have made in making me the person that I am, and creating this environment where I can be grateful?for?what I am blessed with.

Here’s one example. A certain young businessman, at the very start of his career, was introduced to a very successful businessman by a doorman of a restaurant. This simple doorman, through years of experience in human interaction, has developed a keen sense of understanding people. He knew both people’s stories and because of his deep interpersonal skills, made that introduction. That simple introduction led to a deeper conversation that catapulted the young businessman to great success. In my conversations with him, he has mentioned the businessman, but never the doorman who saw the potential in this man and introduced him to the more successful businessman. Any practice of gratitude would be grossly incomplete with the inclusion of the doorman as an integral part of the story.

Surely there have been those valleys. But again, it is the folks that I need to be grateful?to?who stood beside me. And now, because of them, I have moments to be grateful?for.

Gratitude?to?provides context for my gratitude?for. It reminds me that there are people and an ecosystem, combined to create a village that results in an environment that I can be grateful?for. Furthermore, it helps me focus on the relationships — with people and life, that got me here. While I may be tempted to think that I got here on my own, gratitude?to?shatters that illusion to bring me back to a firmer grounding.

I find it is also important to underscore what happens when I don’t meditate on gratitude?to. I remain grateful, but since there is a human tendency to ascribe a reason for gratitude, it rests on me, as the individual, not the many ‘others’, who have brought me to this place when I can be truly grateful. Being grateful?to?combines gratitude and humility in a healthy does that keeps a person truly grounded.

While important at any stage, teaching children to appreciate gratitude?to?is very important. Teaching them to practice this creates children who are more grounded.

And yes, for us adults, this is something we need to start (if we don’t already do it). Gratitude?to?enriches and enhances the practice of gratitude. It creates an experience of gratitude that is fuller, deeper, and ultimately, more human.