What's 'me' even?

Why am I doing any of this? Why can’t I take it easy and try chilling it off? Well, for starters, maybe I simply can’t. I think I’m too zoned in on making sure I achieve a better future that I rarely have the time to believe or entertain any distraction, thoughts, or setup that would deter me from really going full throttle or from actually giving my all to completely taking back my life and story. I’m not scared, I’m sure, but what else can I do besides being too dedicated to my story and taking into my hands the future I want to see through all the noise, through all the uncertainties that have flooded into any tiny space it can find within?

Am I just going not to do anything? Am I just rolling through the times and trials without gathering any mold? Life has taught me way more than this. In as much as there are things to suggest otherwise, I often need to know and visualize what I am doing right now to tell myself what I am going for next adequately.

Sometimes, when I write, it’s a way of purging. Journaling and diaries often can’t cut through my thick skin to get me talking about what matters profoundly and to clear my mind as much as I always hoped it would. But in creative writing, it all just comes out fully and thoroughly. It might seem random from the outside, and some points might be everywhere without seeming to connect to a high motif. Still, if I worried consistently about motifs and meanings, I wouldn’t be willing to take risks and do the creative things I now get to do. Because I am very introverted and meticulous about what I do to the very last drop, I tend not to always get through to people as entirely even. However, I might have the most genuine intention coming from a place of deep desire and longing for more. Thus, the quick disparity between ‘who this boy is’ and ‘who he manages to convey’ means that sometimes, even I get lost in the haystack, struggling to pick myself up or define for a point who I truly am or what I am genuinely going for

But the mind knows what it wants, even at the most basic level. It pushed through those thorns and noises and sprouts as to say, even though everything around is going not that great, umm, I know I’m headed towards here,’ and I, sometimes, can’t even seem to stop or be able to control the untamed desire to get something done. Yes, it might present as being disciplined and goal-oriented, but it’s so innate that sometimes, I can’t do something but keep going anyway because I can’t stop. Like, I literally can’t stop. It might be inertia; I don’t know what it is, but it’s there and keeps me going in those times. Going in and in and in, trying to do it all. In those times, I can’t think of myself objectively. I never could think of myself subjectively, but it always gets heightened when I know I must keep going to get through the ‘process.’

It may seem entirely ‘absent’ from the standpoint of reading. It might take some feeling and immersion into the experience’s context to tell apart anything and everything that has ever mattered to you. Think back to how you reacted to science in a way similar to what I am describing so that you can get across the deeper layers of what I’m trying to communicate.

I’m in no way just all grim, but I might be all focused on the process. I know I’ll be fine; efforts accumulate over time, and I know I am better than ever. I know there’s a lot in stock for me, and I’m just trying my best to get through each level of the story with all I’ve got. I am not faking it or going half trout while trusting the creation process. Knowing that everything would get better and that all I’ve always worked for would come through, I presented as complete and thorough in times I needed the most. For now, I have to keep going. I have to keep figuring out the exact type of person I am, and I have to keep giving each stage all I’ve got because it’s only through this that I get to the next natural stage for my abilities and scale up the fastest. I must take the deepest possible breath, know that I am all I’d ever need, and then keep going through the times at hand. For, in reality, I’ve got this!