“What’s Love Got to Do with It?”

With Valentine’s Day in the rear-view mirror (and St. Patrick's Day approaching), I’m left to munch on some chocolate (a serious addiction), enjoy flowers in the house (yellow tulips), and ponder what it means to love someone for forever. February 14th is certainly an arbitrary day to share gifts and cards with someone special in our lives, but surprisingly, it was not created by Hallmark, instead going back to at least the 14th century with roots to Roman times. Perhaps that is a hint to the importance and staying power of life-long relationships.

I’m sure my fellow LinkedIn navigators are wondering what this has to do with job, talent, and career. The easy answer is "not very much," but that would be far too glib.

In our competitive drive for career success – a success that is challenged regularly by difficult decisions, bad managers, marketplace surprises, and inevitable mistakes – relationships are the rock and foundation that support and guide us forward. Without others around us…without a team of people in our personal village…we are reduced to the loneliness of self-reliance. That may be enough for some but definitely not for me.

Looking back on an amazing courtship and marriage that spans 37 years, I know with emotional certainty that there is something magical about sharing our lives with someone in a unique and special way. There is plenty of romance worth remembering on Valentine’s Day, but love is about much more than that. I’m definitely not an expert…but at least have some experience to share…

The Meet and Greet: I’m old enough to think of “dating” as an activity unto itself – we came across someone who was interesting, we mustered up some courage, and we asked them out for a date. That is the definition of old school. Now there are dating websites, swiping (!), group outings, and more. But no matter how the initial encounter takes place, I love hearing the backstory to a couple’s relationship. How did they meet and what did they think afterward? Sometimes it’s “love at first sight” and other times it’s “we didn’t get together for another 10 years.” I was terrified to ask a girl out, so I met my wife accidently over a two-wine-bottle card game of hearts. Hey…whatever it takes…

Enjoying the Fireworks: I was always terrible at chemistry and biology – in fact, I never studied either subject after my junior year in high school – I was more of a “rocks for jocks” scientist. But I did enjoy psychology and the early fireworks in a relationship are about getting to know someone’s personality, motivations, aspirations, strengths, and weaknesses. These EQ factors form the long-term foundation of a healthy relationship. But chemistry and biology also play a huge role in driving relationships forward. Physical and sexual attraction are an important part of growing together, and the excitement of exploring those boundaries is undeniable. At some point in the process, usually when the level of time and commitment escalates, we step back to evaluate whether the emotional and physical “shoes fit.” Sometimes they fit well and other times they don't. Better to know now than later…

Making it Work: If we go to a residential college, we are assigned a roommate and have to figure out how to live with that person in a cramped space. And sometimes it is more than one person. Occasionally, a life-long friendship begins, but more often than not, roommates just try to survive the year. In a committed relationship, we have more time and space to figure things out, but now we are talking about “as long as you both shall live.” People grow and change at different rates, habits form and evolve, needs develop and shift, and a stable, lasting relationship requires all of this to happen in some semblance of harmony. Add job stress, kids, in-laws, and economics to the mix and we face a real challenge. Which brings us back to friendship – because beyond the romance and excitement of a young relationship must lie a friendship that can transcend these issues. We fundamentally have to like our partner in life…

Toils and Trouble: If those challenges were not enough, life is more than happy to throw us some additional curve balls. We all face problems of varying shapes and sizes as we age, but a relationship seems to multiply the issues, in part because more than one person is experiencing the situation. Problems range from health scares, to career issues, to work-life imbalance, to parenting challenges, to substance abuse, to infidelity, and much more. No matter how strong our relationships, the stresses created through the road bumps and landmines of life are difficult to overcome. While never the outcome we anticipated, many marriages and relationships fail, sometimes gracefully and sometimes tragically. Or we somewhat miraculously find a way forward together. With no judgment about good or bad, support from others and personal perseverance are the order of the day…

Your Soulmate: In case it’s not obvious, I will admit to being a romantic – someone who believes there are people we seek out in our lives that are uniquely special to us. Sometimes the search takes time, and we definitely find some blind alleys along the way, but we hope and pray to find someone who elevates us to a new level. A soulmate should challenge us to be better, encourage us when we are down, hold us close in times of tragedy, tell us when we are wrong, and join us in celebrating life’s simple and great pleasures. This is not some utopia where everything goes perfectly, but it defines a relationship that can survive the fires of time and circumstance. The obvious question is “how do we know?” And the short answer is that we don’t. Love at this level is a leap of faith…

When it's all said and done, and without trying to be melodramatic, I believe relationships are at the center of our personal and professional development. Put more simply for me, my soulmate has saved me, and just maybe we saved each other. So when Tina Turner asks “what’s love got to do with it?,” my answer is simple. Everything…