What's it like to be different?

Image: Picture on left is me on a bad day, the picture on the right is a bad day too. I'm just hiding it better

What does it feel like to be different? It’s an interesting question. I guess we are all different in our own ways and there are so many hidden differences that others may not notice. This is my story of how I feel different.

Upon meeting me, you might think I’m confident, happy, outgoing, and ‘normal’ (please note that I have put ‘normal’ in quotations as nothing, and nobody is ‘normal), however, I am fighting every day with how my brain works. I have been diagnosed with depression, general anxiety disorder, PTSD and most recently Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The NHS define BPD as a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It's the most commonly recognised personality disorder. In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.

For those of you that aren’t familiar with some of these mental health conditions, I will outline for you what a day can feel like for me.

Imagine you walk into a room full of strangers. Now imagine that you are 100% convinced that nobody in that room wants to talk to you, that nobody likes you, that they are talking about you in a negative way. Got that image? Ok, now imagine people who are classed as friends, colleagues and family are in that room too. You are also 100% convinced that they secretly don’t like you, don’t want to talk to you, are plotting your failure, are planning on how to ruin your life. Now try and achieve all your daily work goals and objectives. Not so easy, is it? Well, that’s how I feel most days.

You might be thinking ‘how do you work when you feel like that?’ I’m not going to lie, it’s not easy. I face daily challenges that might seem so insignificant to some that they wouldn’t even consider them to even exist. For example, receiving a meeting invitation with no prior explanation of what it is for or any information on how to prepare feels me with so much anxiety, I spend the run up to the meeting thinking of every possible disastrous outcome:

-?????????I’m getting fired.

-?????????I’ve done something wrong.

-?????????I’ve let someone down.

-?????????I’ve disappointed my manager.

-?????????I’ve upset a client.

-?????????I’ve cost the business thousands of pounds.

The list goes on. Another example might be a new starter joining the business without prior explanation of who they are, what they will be doing and why they are joining the business. Similar stressful thoughts fill my mind:

-?????????I’m getting fired.

-?????????I’m being replaced.

-?????????They’ve been hired to spy on me.

-?????????They’ve been hired to catch me out.

-?????????They’ve been hired because I’m not doing a good enough job.

Everyday activities that you may find completely average can be the ultimate challenge for me. As a result of these stressful thoughts, I am always exhausted, which then results in me feeling depressed. This then impacts my work. I’ll stop communicating with colleagues, I’ll become forgetful and clumsy, I’ll make silly mistakes and fail to meet my goals and objectives.

Intense stuff, right? Well add on to those flashbacks from a traumatic childhood. Reliving the most terrifying moments in your life every time you go to sleep or when the room is too quiet, and your mind wonders back to those terrible moments. Again, this results in the exhausted and depressed cycle. ?

Stay with me, we’re almost there. Finally, I want you to add on to this being so afraid of failing or making a mistake that you repeat work again and again but because your so exhausted you still make mistakes. Guess what? The exhausted and depressed cycle begins again.

So, there you have it, the bubbly and confident woman you see isn’t actually so bubbly and confident. However, it’s not all doom and gloom. I am receiving support in so many ways to help me manage day to day life.

I take Sertraline and Propranolol to help with the depression and anxiety. I also have counselling and now Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help manage my thought processes. Regarding work, I have various reasonable adjustments that support me to achieve my goals and objectives. These are things like:

-?????????Regular meetings with my manager to check in on how I’m feeling and to help plan out my day/week accordingly.

-?????????All information emailed to me after a meeting so that I have written confirmation of what was discussed.

-?????????Explanations of meetings emailed to be before hand so that I know what to expect and/or prepare.

-?????????Time off for counselling/Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

-?????????Any changes to the business i.e., staff changes, to be explained clearly and then confirmed in writing.

They are such simple things that make a real difference. People who have any of the mental health conditions I do will require different support. These are just the ones that help me. The most important thing to remember is to create a space where it’s ok to talk about these things. I have a wonderful manager that makes me feel so comfortable when discussing what support I need.

If I could give you only one piece of advice it would be to please, please, please not use the phrases “that’s silly”, “you’re just being sensitive”, “stop over thinking everything”, “that’s ridiculous” or my least favourite “you’re crazy”. Mental Illness is just as real as any physical one. If you saw someone with a physical disability, you wouldn’t say “that’s ridiculous, if you wanted to walk you could” so don’t say to someone that has a mental illness “that’s ridiculous, if you wanted to be happy you would be”.

Oh, and don’t assume what support someone needs. As my mother always says, “assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME”.