WHAT'S THE 'INNER GAME' YOU'RE PLAYING?

We were crossing the road and he reversed onto the wrong side of the road and straight into us.?Jodi-Lea was pulled underneath the wheel I remember banging on the car to stop but the driver accelerated and drove over my daughter’s head.?That was 30 years ago and yet the vision of that day is indelibly printed on my brain.?I passed out over the coffin, there is nothing sadder than a little white coffin. I was ‘bought to’ in the back of the hearse and I remember thinking, “f…k this is too hard, there must be a reason for the pain and a meaning for her little life, I swear I am going to find out what this truly means.”?#THINKINGRIGHT

There are no words to describe the feeling of losing a child, but the vision of that car took the experience in my mind to another level of ‘coping’.?I used to see a line in my brain and as long as I saw myself on top of that line I knew I wouldn’t touch the drugs in the cabinet (doctors prescription) or the alcohol in the fridge (housemates support), and as soon as I felt myself fall below that line, I did whatever I needed to do to get back on top.?I fell pregnant with my son almost immediately and my doctor at the time, Dr Dove, was a wonderful man and a teacher of doctors. Every month he would film our sessions as we discussed the accident, the new baby and my thoughts and feelings of what it all looked like.?He needed me to know that the baby growing inside of me was a new little person.

I would often think, what is this reality? ?All I knew was that I had to do what it took to keep feeling strong and in-control of what daily tortured me, while staying healthy and relaxed for my new baby.?I look back now and wonder how I did it. Two things I know to be true (1) you can do SO much more than what you THINK you can and (2) when you make profound statements in a heightened emotional states you develop strong neural connection to the statement: what I said lying in the back of the hearse become very real in my unconscious: it became my driving force, my purpose, even though this didn’t become clear to me for many years later. I have had people say to me more times than I can count, “Suzie you are so strong” “Sue, you are so focused”, “How do you do it” I never had an answer, I only knew that there was always ‘better’ and there is only one way to think about life's challenges and pain: 'grow from it or its useless'. There is a lesson in all pain, failure and loss, if we stay open to thinking differently. #THINKINGRIGHT

I have always said that my children have been my inspiration and the reason for my career and as I have peeled back the layers of unconscious beliefs over the years, it has become more and more apparent that everything we say, do and feel is connected and becomes the reality that directs the path our life travels on. My daughter’s death was the beginning of my growth and my intrinsic ability to cope with the trauma was a surprise to a lot of people: all I knew is that I had to be stronger than the pain that tormented me. The life of my little girl deserved that. #THINKINGRIGHT, I learned to feel joy for the gift she was and as her little face smiles down on us from a portrait that hangs in our home her heart lives on in me.??

I know a lot of people have trouble with ‘forgiveness’ but it does give you peace: we are not here to judge and we are all human. We knew the driver of the car and much to the disgust of most people he attended the funeral.?His cries could be heard over the cries of others and I don't know what I was thinking at the funeral but in the front of the church and in front of everyone, I reached out to ‘the guy’ and cradled him in my arms as he wept like a baby:?I told him I forgave him.?Others felt my forgiveness, I felt their anger soften, we never saw him again and that was OK.

I feel grateful for my ability to, quote a cliché ‘see the glass full' #thinkingright and was pleasantly surprised to identify through my studies that what I intrinsically did to ‘save myself and my family’ had a name and I could teach others how to do it.? The pieces of the puzzle that are found in the search for our life’s purpose can come together as one beautiful image of hope and happiness: and as heartbreaking and sad as it is, the short precious life of my beautiful Jodi-Lea is the ultra-gift that God gave me so I may live my life with strength and purpose: and help others do the same.

My son was born almost a year to the day of JL’s death and born with brain damage: and that my friend is another story, for another day.?

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