What's holding you back?

Yesterday my quarterly college alum magazine arrived in the mail. I always enjoy reading it, but this edition was special. There were four pages of tributes to my favorite professor, who passed away in January. There was another (very long) page on the school's site with dozens more "Stanecdotes" from former students going back to the 1970s and up to a few years ago. That's quite a legacy.

Stanley was an amazing person as well as a terrific teacher. The stories were full of humor and love for a man who got sheer joy out of his work and interacting with his students. Some were hilarious, deftly capturing his outsized personality and brilliance. All were full of affection. From his earliest days at the college, Stanley was a recognized character on campus, unapologetically himself. And he influenced or changed the direction of a lot of lives.

Off my regular topic, I know, but stick with me.

Who in your life has made that kind of impact on you? Maybe a teacher, a manager, a wise older friend?

What about them drew you or affected you? How would you describe their personality?

Now, how would you like people to describe you years or decades from now? What do you want them to remember?

People who've had near-death experiences or survived life-threatening accidents or illnesses often talk about this. Their perspective on what's important and what isn't often changes dramatically. They think a lot more about both how they want to spend their time and the kind of legacy they want to leave.

We have that opportunity now. Every day. We don't have to wait for a major misfortune to change our perspective.

So. Who do you want to be? How do you want to show up in the world?

How close is that image of you to the way you're showing up today?

If there's a gap, what's stopping you from closing it? What's holding you back?

People-pleasing? If you're high-sensory, your empathy likely runs deep. You may even over-identify with other people's emotions or physical pain. Life might seem easier, more peaceful, if you just say yes to everything and everyone and try to keep them all happy.

If this is a challenge for you, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What is it costing you?
• How do you feel when you say yes when you really want to say no?
• What kind of example are you setting for people who see you as a role model, at work or in your life?

Two more notes on this particular obstacle:

1. Clarity is kindness. You know this already. Put your empathy to use for yourself and think about how you'd feel if the situation were reversed. If you were in the other person's shoes, would you want you to say yes if you didn't mean it? Or would you prefer that you were clear with your wants and expectations, and maybe you could work together to find another solution?
2. I'm in the middle of two of physician/author Gabor Mate's books: When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection (2003) and The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture (2022). In both he talks about clearly demonstrated links between certain people-pleasing tendencies (being "too nice" and suppressing anger are two) and diseases including cancer, ALS and MS. (Note: There's no blame or judgment in his work; his point is the unseverable relationship between the mind, the emotions, the nervous system, and the immune system.) Both are worth a read.

Lack of self-confidence? People I work with are smart, talented, creative. High-achievers and hard workers. Conscientious, with high integrity, dedicated to team success. Ideal leaders, right? And yet, many of them don't have confidence in themselves. In a competitive, individualistic culture, those who're wired to support the team and not put themselves first have a higher hill to climb when it comes to things like applying for internal promotions or external jobs with higher titles than they currently hold. Or even speaking up in a meeting or voicing a conflicting opinion.

If this is what's getting in your way, make a list of everything you've achieved, professionally and personally. Start with major career milestones and build from there. Then ask yourself:

• How did I get where I am now? What skills and/or experience got me to my current position?
• How have I succeeded in the past when faced with a daunting challenge?
• How have I succeeded when starting in a role that was new to me?
• How can I better leverage my strengths, my intuition, my wisdom?

Now consider how all of these could add value to others (a team? an organization? a company?) if you were to go for that promotion, apply for that job, or voice that differing opinion. By holding back, you deprive yourself of opportunity and deprive others of your contributions.

I strongly suspect that Stanley, my favorite professor, was highly sensitive. He was definitely different — one of a kind. But he was as authentic as he could possibly be, unafraid to be himself. And everyone who knew him is better off for it.

Comments? Questions? I'd love your thoughts.

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?? I'm excited to announce that Perceptive: The Power and Potential of High-Sensory Perception is due out next summer! Want to join me on my book journey? Sign up for my other newsletter: https://eepurl.com/iNXWqw

?? Want to learn more about high sensory perception/high sensitivity? I'm hosting a series of free conversations via Zoom over the next two months — starting April 25! Learn more at https://www.dhirubhai.net/events/whyotherpeopledon-tfeelwhatyouf7180388976258686976/ (NOTE: Advance registration is required; see the Zoom link in the event description.)

?? My next G.R.I.T. Collaborative cohort launches soon. (G.R.I.T. is an acronym for Grace, Resilience, Intuition, and Trust, the pillars of the GRIT system that forms the core of the program.) It's a small-group mastermind of high-sensory women leaders sharing their own questions, challenges and experiences, growing and learning in a safe, supportive virtual space. If you've ever felt alone or weird or just different because of your sensitivity, I created G.R.I.T. for you. Learn more at https://www.rercoaching.com/grit-public and schedule a call with me ASAP to see if it's a fit. I'd love for you to join us.