What's the Difference?

An Opening Thought: “Loving Another Person and Being a Loving Person Are Two Very Different Things.” – Bryan Yager

Hello and happy Monday!

So, what is the difference referenced in my opening thought?

Each week, my closing question is “How will you live, love, or lead, differently, or better, this week?” Today, I open with that same question but with a focus on the middle word… love.

People often ask how I come up with my weekly topics. The truth? They often stem from my own personal journey toward becoming “My Best Self,” a goal that requires consistent self-awareness, growth, and reflection. This topic is no exception.

This week’s theme – being more loving to those you love. This is an area where I know I can do better.

Maybe you’ll see opportunities for growth here, too.

A Tough Question

Have you ever wondered why we sometimes act unkindly, carelessly, or even hurtfully toward the people we love the most? I’ve asked myself this many times.

I often wonder how many times I say or do something unintentionally unkind—something that doesn’t reflect the deep love I feel for another human being? And why, of all people, does this happen with the ones I care about most?

The Background

Becky and I have shared a lifetime together. We’ve known each other for 47 years, starting as coworkers, then friends, went our separate ways for a while, and eventually fell in love. We married in 1991—next April marks 34 years. Our relationship is built on mutual love, admiration, and trust.

Yet, even in such a strong partnership, I sometimes let careless words slip out—words that don’t align with the love I feel for her.

A Personal Example

A couple of weeks ago, we went out to dinner with our daughter and her husband. It was a perfect evening—great food, laughter, and engaging conversation. It felt like a little slice of heaven to me, and I hope my family.

Then, mid-conversation, Becky said something, and I interrupted with, “Let’s stay focused on one topic at a time please.” My tone wasn’t harsh or critical (at least, I don’t think it was), but it wasn’t something I would ever say to a friend or business colleague. I just wouldn’t.

That moment disrupted the flow of the evening. It wasn’t necessary, and it wasn’t kind.

Later, on the drive home, we talked about it. I apologized, of course. But the point is clear: if my goal is for Becky to feel loved in everything I say and do, I fell short that evening.

And the kicker? She gently pointed out that I had been the one jumping from topic to topic! She was right—I was guilty as charged. “My bad” as young people would say.

Why Do We Hurt Those We Love Most?

The reasons are complex and different for everyone, but here are a few common themes:

• We assume our intentions are obvious. Love is better demonstrated than assumed.
• Familiarity breeds vulnerability. We sometimes lash out at those closest to us because we trust their love will endure.
• We tend to take those we love for granted. Perhaps out of carelessness or even laziness, we don’t work as hard as we should at being loving, attentive, and kind.
• We hold unrealistic expectations. We often hold unreasonable expectations of our loved ones, and to understand us without explaining those expectations. I have come to believe that unspoken expectations (often implicit and hidden) are the sources of many relational conflicts.

How can we be more intentionally loving and kind to the people we love?

1. Demonstrate love through actions: Saying “I love you” matters, but actions—tone, gestures, and thoughtfulness—speak louder. I find it most effective to confront with words but support with tone. Most tend to do the opposite.
2. Practice Emotional Awareness: Pause to process your emotions before they escalate into hurtful reactions. This is the foundation of emotional intelligence.
3. Communicate with Intention: Express feelings openly and kindly. Clarity can prevent unnecessary misunderstandings.
4. Manage Expectations: Let go of perfectionism—neither people nor relationships are flawless. Someone once told me “The goal shouldn’t be to find a perfect spouse, (no one is perfect) the goal should be to find someone whose imperfections you can live with.”
5. Practice Empathy: Try to see situations from the other person’s perspective. Understanding their intentions and feelings can help prevent misunderstandings.
6. Commit to Self-Care: Taking care of your own mental health makes it easier to nurture healthier relationships.
7. Apologize and Forgive: Mistakes happen. A sincere apology and forgiveness strengthen love and trust.

Love can be a beautiful paradox – it requires both strength and vulnerability. Relationships take practice, patience, and persistence. The more intentional we are in loving others, the more we create space for deeper connection and growth.

I have a bit of homework to do this week. How ‘bout you?

Have a terrific week ahead.

Bonus Quotes Below.

How will you live, love, or lead, differently, or better, this week?

Sincerely,

Bryan Yager

“Expanding Your Capacity for Success”

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Related Resources:

• 7 Reasons We Hurt the Ones We Love – YouTube Video
• Why We Are Mean to Those We Love – YouTube Video
• How to be more loving. – You Tube Video

Bonus Quotes:

• “Real love, love that is a verb, takes choice and action – it involves our will – it is us making a decision to love.” – Charlene Carr
• "Love is a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love the verb.." – attributed to Steven R. Covey
• "Someone has written, Love is a verb. It requires doing -not just saying and thinking. The test is in what one does, how one acts, for love is conveyed in word and deed.” – David B. Haight
• “To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, to love someone who loves you is everything.” – Bill Russell
• “Our culture says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. And of course that can be true. But it is truer to say that actions of love can lead consistently to feelings of love.” – Tomothy Keller
• “Life is short! Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly.” – Paulo Coelho
• “You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up them.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
• “If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.” – W.H. Auden
• “We loved with a love that was more than love.” – Edgar Allan Poe
• “Love is more than a noun – it is a verb: it is more than a feeling – it is caring, sharing, helping and sacrificing.” – William Arthur Ward