What's the colour of your glasses?

Still wishing on the stars and constellations

And if you ain't from round here, it's easy to judge, that's my observation

And yeah, there's power in a conversation

But you probably learn more if we swapped location.....

• British grime artist Guvna B, Bridgeland Road, January 26, 2023

This is my cousin Helena Awuakye.?

We grew up together in the seventies in East London.?

When I was 5 years old, my mum and dad decided to move back to my native country Ghana where I was to spend the next 35 years of my life – so we lost contact.

I reconnected with Helena 3 years ago, both of us now in our forties, scarred by life's events, but in very different ways.?

She was now a dentist, living in Newport, Wales and had become renowned for her care, professionalism, and love for her job. She was super fit and a brilliant mother.?

But all that was to change during the pandemic, in June 2021.?

Helena was diagnosed with breast cancer – a particularly aggressive kind that had spread to her liver.

In one day, she had transitioned from a healthy active 46-year-old woman to having to endure vast bouts of chemotherapy – a huge physical and mental challenge as she had to give up her work, her steady income, her sense of purpose and to a large extent, her independence.?

And to make things worse, right after her diagnosis, she lost a close relative and mentor to leukaemia, and her budding new romantic relationship also ended abruptly. She was now single. Again.?

But she had some amazing support from her son Josh, her family, and her friends.?

This is not an uncommon story - one out of two of us will be diagnosed with cancer in our lifetime.?

But what stood out to me was her attitude, resilience, her determination, and most of all, caring personality.?

The epilepsy I suffer came raging back with a vengeance around the same time, and I suffered multiple fits – in the bath, at work, at home, and even down the stairs. And even though she was extremely ill, she made time to check on me daily.?

She also joined a support group, changed her diet, changed her mindset, used her faith to deal with the crippling fear – and researched the condition.?

She found out that even things like unforgiveness, childhood trauma and past hurts could adversely affect the disease.?

So, she began to finally deal with all these longstanding issues that she had buried deep down.?

She had to adjust the colour of her glasses.?

A year earlier, I walked into my new job as a managing pharmacist in a completely new and unfamiliar environment.?

My new team consisted of an openly gay woman, a bisexual, one on the spectrum, a single mother, and soon, a devout Muslim immigrant and a young Eastern European.?

To my shame and embarrassment, I realised how little I knew about true diversity.?

I had some quick learning to do.?

I heard about the homophobia they had to endure on the street, the Islamophobia and racism the Muslim Kurdish immigrant had to endure, the bullying the one on the spectrum went through as well as the bullying the single mother had faced most of her life.?

I then realised that I, even I, as a black Christian male, - I possessed innate privileges. I was straight and male. I would never have to endure what my team had endured their whole lives.?

I had to adjust the colour of my glasses.?

On another note, I used to be ambivalent, at best, on the boats coming to the UK - from people desperate to leave their countries of war, hopelessness, and of continual pain. I must admit I had partially been swayed by the talk on the news, the finger-pointing of politicians, and the whispers and snide remarks of some of the locals.?

However, one day I was shown a video by my Kurdish employee of her aunt who was fleeing the war in Syria, as well as the constant brutal abuse by her husband. She was on a raft, on the sea, in the middle of nowhere, packed like sardines with people she hardly knew, being tossed like a rag doll in the sea. The look of fear in her eyes, her concern for her kids, and the chaotic tossing of the raft on the sea brought tears to my eyes.?

I had to adjust the colour of my glasses.?

Two drug addicts who were my patients – the first one dead in their room for days before they were found, and the second one continually shoplifting, offering ‘personal services’ begging on the street to feed her uncontrollable drug habit – in and out of prison- and continually being made homeless. I remember the careless judgemental attitude I had about her- the throwaway remarks I had made – until I heard her story.?

Her mother was a drug addict – raised in one of the most deprived areas of the UK- and was continually on the search for her next hit. One day, as a little girl of only ten years old, she woke up by her mother only to find her dead with a needle stuck in her arm. Living in an area which was one of the most drug-infested suburbs in the whole of the UK, what chance did she have?

I had to adjust the colour of my glasses.?

In his book, Factfulness, best-selling author Hans Rosling writes:?

Factfulness is …… recognising when a scapegoat is being used?and remembering that blaming an individual often steals the focus from other possible explanations and blocks our ability to prevent similar problems in the future.?

He goes on to say:?

To control the blame instinct, resist finding a scapegoat.?

How?

Look for causes, not villains:?When something goes wrong, don’t look for an individual or group to blame. Accept that bad things can happen without anyone intending them to. Instead, spend your energy on understanding the multiple systems, interacting causes or systems that created the situation.?

Look for systems, not heroes: When someone claims to have done something good, ask whether the outcome might have happened anyway, even if the individual had done nothing. Give the system some credit.?

This is what Helena has done to get better, not bitter.?

A warrior, not a worrier.?

A victor, not a victim.

It's important to start every encounter as a blank sheet of paper. No stereotypes, no bigotry, a healthy dose of self-awareness, humility plus looking out for the good in people, without being naive.

So, where do you need to adjust the colour of your glasses??

I’m rooting for you!!

Steven.?

Three things to share:?

1. My cousin Helena’s story has inspired me, and no doubt will inspire many others. She is beginning her journey of making herself available to cancer sufferers just like her. She can be found on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/hawua...) or Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/hele...) or email at?hawuakye@hotmail.com.

2. I had lunch with one of the longest-serving and most compassionate GPs in the country - Dr Steven Warren. I was blown away by his compassion, care for the vulnerable in his community and his faith. He now serves as a counsellor for the charity Kitsuigi Hope. Check it out:?https://kintsugihope.com

3. Being a best-selling author has given me an incredible platform to meet all kinds of wonderful people. Like Dan Underwood. A brilliant coach, and perhaps more importantly a wonderful human being. I had lunch with him just before flying out to India, and I felt like a different being after meeting him. If you're feeling stuck, check him out at?www.danunderwood.me

And finally... my book is still a best-seller on Amazon! Click below to get your copy ( the UK, US and Indian markets) and hit me at?hello@stevenadjei.com?if something regarding the book or my newsletter is playing on your mind. I'd love to talk. And if you've read or bought the book, I'd love an honest review. I'm on 47 in the UK, and I'd love to get to 50 by next week.

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