What’s Bugging You?

It happened again last week. Twice. Once with my wife and once with the kids. Something bad happened and it was hidden from me.

My wife lost her wallet and it was two days of searching before I knew about it, probably only because she needed to borrow a credit card. I freaked out that she gave someone a two day head start and was sure our accounts were drained, maxed out, and several mortgages taken out in that time. The next day her wallet turned up in the garage, but only after I had confirmed all the reasons she hesitated to tell me in the first place.

The very next day was our son’s birthday. He was opening presents in front of the whole family at Pops and Gigi’s house, and got to the last one. An Animal Crossing shirt and video game. He loves Animal Crossing, but must have forgotten we already have the game because he was delighted. I played along, chalking it up to a shared senile moment between the young and old. It wasn’t until later that I told him we could exchange it since he already had that game, and he explained that the dog chewed up the one we had just bought at Christmas.

Of course I vividly remember that the dog chewed up Mario Kart, because I’m still a bit mad thinking how careless the kids had been leaving it out, and how mad I still was at the dog. That was my one secret video game indulgence, a chance to relive my youth after the kids go to bed and I’ve had enough adulting for one day. I had wanted to replace it, but hadn’t because it was an important lesson for the kids to experience losing something they hadn’t taken care of. Why do kid punishments always seem to be parent punishments too??

The kids had been a bit traumatized about how upset I got, so it wasn’t surprising he forgot which $60 game the dog had destroyed. Arguing with a stubborn 5yo who thinks he knows everything isn’t much different than when he was 4, but I’d like to think I’m getting wiser so I let him think he was right. It wasn’t until that evening that my wife told me it had happened again, and no one wanted to let me find out since they already knew how that would go. So the whole extended family knew, everyone except me.

These are relatively small things, but they make me wonder what else is being hidden from me out of fear. I literally wrote the book (okay, “a” book, maybe not “the” book) on operating differently so that we have a better impact on those around us. I shared lots of personal examples about learning this lesson the hard way, and some tools I learned to help me and other leaders have a more positive influence on the climate around us. And here I am still failing in my own home!

My first thought is a terrifying glimpse from the ghost of Christmas future, when my kids are teenagers and their main objective is making sure dad never finds out about anything bad. It breaks my heart thinking how I want my wife and kids to be able to come to me for strength and help in the midst of trouble. I want the trials and tribulations of life to draw us together, not isolate anyone in fear!

And then I think about how often I have seen this in business. Whether an individual hiding a mistake from their boss or an entire team hiding something from a senior leader who would not be pleased at all if they knew the full story. Or entire organizations hiding things from their customers, shareholders, or regulators to avoid or at least delay the fallout.

It would be easy to demand the complete truth from my family and those around me in business, but the reality is that demanding it isn’t nearly as effective as creating an environment where it feels safe to admit mistakes, failures, and poor decisions. Clearly I’m not there yet, but my life purpose is to grow leaders who grow leaders by cultivating environments where we can all grow better together. And I’m still working on being that in my own home.

Disclaimer: I’ve been working as a pest control technician for a couple of months now, which means that you are going to get some weird juxtaposition between bugs and leadership. While my body is busy mixing and applying treatments to keep our customers’ homes and businesses pest free, my mind is actively working to make connections and find parallels between principles in my head and the world around me.

As it relates to this topic, I think about the first thing I ask when engaging with a customer (or frequently our customer’s customer). Are you having any pest issues? Is there anything you’re worried or concerned about? Because when it comes to pest control, the issue usually isn’t what you can see, but fear about what you can’t see. If you see a bug your first thought isn’t to call an exterminator to handle that one bug.?

After spraying, stomping, or shooing that one bug, you still want to know how it got in. And whether more have gotten in, or might get in at some point in the future. Perhaps the most terrifying example is seeing one termite. No one kills one termite and feels peace of mind believing that the problem is solved! No, one termite is like finding out about one chewed up video game or lost wallet, knowing full well that the real danger is still hiding unseen.

When we create a climate where we see an occasional bug, it’s important that we take a more comprehensive look at the environment and understand where that one bug came from. You can deal with all the bugs you want, but until we figure out what is bringing them in and make changes to address the root issue, we can’t really have peace of mind.?

Changing the environment isn’t easy, and comprehensive solutions that truly address the underlying problem aren’t usually cheap or quick. They require inspecting and treating inside and out, making changes and coming back to verify if the changes are working. Sometimes in our lives we want to convince ourselves that the cheapest, quickest, and easiest option is good enough. And that might be enough to give us a false sense of security.

My greatest fear with my kids is a bit like my greatest fear of termites. You can address the issues you see on the surface every time they come up, but the real damage is happening out of sight right under our feet. The first sign of what is really happening could be a major structure failure that collapses our home. It isn’t good to let an environment go unchecked for too long, whether there are signs of a problem or not.

No one likes to see bugs, and no one likes to find out that people around us are hiding things from us that they don’t think we would be happy about. Unfortunately it is difficult to inspect the integrity of a relationship to find out what you don’t know that you don’t know. It might take finding a community where it is safe to be honest about what’s really going on, or it might even take professional help in the form of marriage or family counseling.

Thankfully, it is relatively cheap and easy to get that peace of mind about bugs and even termites, and if you are in the greater Atlanta area I would be happy to put your mind at ease! But whether your bugs are literal or figurative, honestly inspect the environment around you and pay careful attention to what you are inviting into your home or business.

One final word of warning: when we start to treat the problem it seems to get worse before it gets better, because what we can see is only the tip of the problem. But trust me, it’s better to see and deal with a problem than letting it grown out of sight until it’s too late. So whether it’s seen or unseen, what’s bugging you?