What is Your Relationship to Expectations?

Discussing attitudes with a colleague recently, he shared how as a child he had difficulty with speech – he had problems forming some sounds. Everyone around him accepted that this would be something he would simply have to live with. He refused to believe this and worked to overcome these challenges, learning to form the correct sounds through observation and practice.

This made me reflect on my experience of the times when people had set low expectations of me, along the lines of, ‘She’s never going to stick with this’ or ‘She’ll never do this’.

Why do we at times defy others’ low expectations of us and at other times, succumb to them? And why at times do we fail to meet others positive, high and wholly achievable expectations of ourselves, and at other times meet them?

Defying Low Expectations

Early on, I had a colleague, slightly senior to me, who would regularly intimate that they didn’t believe I would be able to successfully accomplish a particular task or project. I always delighted in proving that person wrong.

Another such early experience was when I went to work as an au-pair for a year in a small village in Germany for $25 a week. Whilst no one actually expressed doubt, there was a clear undercurrent. In that case, even I had my doubts as to whether I would last the year.

At other times, I had colleagues who wondered aloud whether I would be able to deliver a project in line with expectations. Again, this triggered in me the proverbial bull to the red cloth.

Rather than considering this a case of defying low expectations, another way of viewing this behaviour is defying a lack of confidence in one’s abilities. It is equally a case of another person’s expectations being lower of you than your own expectations are of yourself.

Why is this the case? Some reasons might be:

We enjoy being the underdog.

Think of Boris Becker winning his first Wimbledon in 1985 or Pele debuting in the 1958 World Cup.

We have a strong inner confidence.

Think of Bill Gates quitting Harvard, confident of building a successful organization. There are times we feel completely confident in what we are doing – and we listen to ourselves.

We enjoy a challenge.

Think Steve Jobs bringing Apple back from the brink with the help of a financial injection from Bill Gates in 1997.

We want to prove the other person wrong.

Perhaps again think of Steve Jobs wanting to prove others wrong and show he could turn around Apple. Think about all the times you feel another person has underestimated you - and you want to show what you’re made of.

We really want to achieve a critical result.

There is something very important to you – and you are critical to achieving it. Maybe you were in a relay race at school and were the last leg in the race. You might have failed to win the 100m earlier in the day, so you were determined to take first place for the team. Indeed, think of the times when you wanted to achieve a result, not for you, but because you were part of a team.

We love the work.

Sometimes, regardless of the extrinsic motivators, we just love the work. There are times I’ve put in far more effort for a project because I loved what I was doing, rather than because I was expected to do it. Sometimes, with voluntary work, I’m more motivated to surpass expectations, precisely because the work is meaningful to me and I’m not being paid for it.

Others are dependent on us.

When something isn’t really within your remit and you can technically take it or leave it, sometimes you just let it go. Other times, there is something about the project or the people you are working with, or the people who will see your work, that galvanizes you to action. You just don’t want to let the people or project down.

Failing to Meet Expectations

At other times, when we are fully capable of fulfilling an expectation, we sense that others don’t believe we can meet those expectations. We believe others lack confidence in our abilities – and even though we know we can do the job well, we fall in line with their perceived expectations, and we fail to deliver.

I’ve shared in previous posts about the Pygmalion effect, where research shows people rise in line with expectations. People also fall in line with others’ expectations.

How to Avoid Under-performing Against Low Expectations

Assuming you have the required skills, how can you avoid allowing yourself to take on others’ perceptions of you and failing to perform to your own standards?

Question your perception.

Sometimes we misinterpret signs. We never know what another person Is experiencing in their lives – their seeming low expectations of us may be triggered by something completely unrelated to us. Even if it isn’t:

Question the validity of others’ assumptions about you.

What makes you believe another’s judgement of you above your own self-knowledge? Can you allow them to have that judgement? Perhaps simply accept they believe you won't deliver - and accept that you believe the exact opposite.

Go to the cookie jar.

I was reading of a man who decided to complete a 100km walk in 24 hours*. He was pushed to his limits, but every time he felt like giving up, he went to the cookie jar. The cookie jar was an imaginary jar full of cookies. Each cookie symbolized something difficult he had achieved, against the odds, and which had helped him develop and grow as a person. When in pain and on the verge of quitting, he would take one cookie and remind himself of one incident where he had pushed himself to continue. And he would go to the cookie jar every time he needed to remind himself of all he had achieved. He completed the 100km walk with some cookies to spare.

Help the other person grow.

If there truly is someone believing, maybe even hoping, you will fail at work, you could take it as a challenge to help them grow. The way you help them grow is to alter their prejudices by taking the project in your stride. You could see it as a mind game, where your mind game tips the scales.

Invest yourself in the outcome.

You have the skills to do the job, yet you are holding yourself back. It might be that you subconsciously want to fail – perhaps you are bored in the role or you don’t gel with the values of the organization, or you’ve moved to a new team where you haven’t connected with others yet. Maybe you want to move out. If you do, does it serve you best to continue performing, or to stop delivering?

Seek supporters.

You may be reluctant to hit your high notes when others seem to question your abilities. Can you find supporters in the environment or within your network and talk through your concerns. Leverage your network of supporters to bolster you through the challenging time.

Think bigger picture.

If you feel under siege from low expectations, can you see beyond the immediate project? Can you reshape your near-term vision and move towards it? A key step in realizing that vision being to deliver on this project.

How to Overcome Self-Sabotage

I have heard from multiple clients that at times, they have completely failed to meet achievable goals, even when others have expressed confidence in them. I relate to this, as there have been at least two occasions when I’ve known I can complete the project successfully and colleagues have shown total confidence in my ability to deliver, yet I have completely failed to meet expectations.

Why is that and what can you do to resist self-sabotaging?

Check in with your emotions.

What are you feeling around the situation? Maybe there is some anger that you didn’t get asked to do a project you had your heart set on. Maybe there is a sense of unworthiness – this might be a project that is high profile and you haven’t done anything similar before. Maybe you’re afraid of the success the project might bring for you and don’t feel ready for it.

Any emotion has data within it to be discovered, so please get curious about what the data is trying to tell you and how you want to use that data – and perhaps talk this through with a close supporter to work out your next steps. You may be feeling anxious because you are juggling multiple projects already, so what can you do to alleviate the workload and the anxiety?

You may be bored.

Perhaps you’ve done this role for some time, or you’ve completed many similar projects before and you’ve lost your Mojo. As Marshall Goldsmith defines it, Mojo is that positive spirit towards what we are doing now that starts on the inside and radiates outwards. You may even have a case of what Ritu G. Mehrish describes as Leader's Block, where you've been in a state of unproductive limbo for several months.

How can you deal with this a case of boredom:

• As with any emotion, accept it. It’s ok! And consider your options:
• Ask for an additional project. Perhaps the extra work will create pressure to complete the existing project.
• Delegate the project. If you aren’t already, help your team members grow into your role by handing the project and deliverables to your team – and start something new.
• Switch roles. It may be time to move into a different role if there appears to be no end to the lack of challenge and growth where you are.

Expectations of you are all around – some stated, some not, some imposed by others and some imposed by you on yourself. As a leader, you are constantly dealing with expectations. As the title of this post states, perhaps a useful approach is to be aware of your relationship with expectations - and use this to understand yourself better and to understand others better.

It seems, a common thread here relates to tuning into the emotions you are feeling around the expectations – the associated risks, the people involved, the project itself – and using your analytical brain to work through what the emotions are trying to tell you. And then, either yourself, or by talking through the situation, taking the various variables into account, determine what serves you best – and act in accordance with that.

Andrea Stone is a leadership coach and facilitator who supports leaders and leadership teams to acknowledge and realize their true potential. She has held senior leadership roles and won multiple awards in tech-driven organizations working across multiple geographies. She has extensive Asia experience and now creates game-changing programs for leaders in India and beyond to achieve professional and personal success.

*I cannot find the reference to this story, but the overall message is firmly planted in my memory.

? Andrea Stone – Stone Leadership