What are your parental triggers?

Have you ever had that feeling? That rush of anger when your child is misbehaving? Whether it’s throwing food away or simply refusing to answer questions, kids have many ways of getting on our nerves and are constantly testing our boundaries.

We hear a great deal about the importance of emotional self-regulation in children. Sure, you need to teach your child how to manage emotions, but without a clear and consistent awareness of your own emotions, your child's emotional health may be left to chance.

I’ve listened to parents go on and on about kids who disobey simple instructions, fight with siblings, or throw the occasional temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want. 

“I get mad when my son compares me to his best friend's mom,” complains Maria, a parent in one of our parenting group sessions. It’s frustrating that an 8-year-old can make those comparisons. 

Although your kids can drive you up a wall with their words and actions, you must strive for balance and self-regulation. You may be prone to an overreaction, feeling justified that your child’s behaviour led to your reaction. It all happens in a flash, and you may be tempted to make a wishy-washy resolution. Before you know it, you see your kids displaying the same kinds of overreactions that seem unrelated to the situations that triggered them. 

Before it is too late, you must grow conscious of your emotional reactions. You must understand that your kids are vulnerable and inexperienced. Are you overreacting to the things they do? 

Let the question above sit in your mind for a while.

Is it possible that your child’s behaviour may have reminded you of something from your past? 

Some parents say that their outbursts toward their children weren't at all intended, that it felt like they were not able to control themselves. Suppose you’ve found yourself in the category of people who uncontrollably overreact. In that case, I have news for you, if you don’t stop at the first chance you get, you will successfully create a cycle of unresolved emotions. 

This article will show you effective practices that will help you understand your emotional triggers and manage them. After all, you want your children to manage and regulate their emotions; You should be confident that you’re not standing in their way. 

Understanding Emotional Triggers 

An emotional trigger is an element in any experience that causes an emotional reaction. You know that tight feeling you get when your child makes a comment that may not be a big deal to other people but shuts you down for a whole day? All of a sudden, you find yourself thrown into feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame. 

Many parents who have been through traumatic experiences are often sensitive to the pain from the past. Events similar to the ones they have experienced in the past can incite emotional responses, even if there isn’t a direct correlation between their present experience and the past experience.

 Why do we all have triggers?

The simple answer - unresolved feelings. As a child, you could not cope with deeply distressing feelings. The more scared and helpless you felt, the more you were prone to trauma. As an adult, when you encounter experiences that remind you of those old feelings, you react in irrational ways or use unhealthy methods to manage those painful feelings. 

What are some examples of emotional triggers? 

So, what triggers you? You may be wondering what on earth could trigger you to act out irrationally. Here are a few examples of the kinds of situations that reveal unresolved trauma: 

• Getting a disapproving look from your child.
• Being shamed or blamed for something.
• When your child is being judgmental or critical of you.
• When someone you love is too busy to make time for you.
• When someone is trying to control you.
• When someone is being needy or trying to smother you.
• Feeling rejected by someone you care about. 
• Being left by someone you love or even the threat that they will leave you.
• Feelings of helplessness in painful situations.
• When someone discounts or ignores you. 

These examples above are supposed to get you thinking about situations that could potentially expose you to an overreaction. You may not have encountered any of those situations, but try to simulate these feelings - can you handle it? 

What are some clues that you are being triggered? 

We aren’t always conscious of our emotional triggers. It’s usually at the end of an irrational overreaction that we begin to notice that something has triggered us. In therapy, some parents say they don’t usually feel that the past is truly past; when triggered, the feeling thrusts them back to the event in the past that elicited that sort of behaviour.

There are a few ways to spot an emotional trigger as it’s manifesting. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all-solutions to emotional triggers, but when it comes to your children, there are clues that can keep you informed: 

• If your child says or does something and you feel angry and yell at the top of your voice, you’ve been emotionally triggered. 
• If your child causes you to feel deeply sad, and you remember having had a similar feeling many times in the past, you’ve probably been triggered. 
• If you are enraged, and you feel like spanking, flogging, or slapping your child. That’s a clear sign that you’ve been triggered. 

The importance of recognizing triggers. 

Experts confirm that unresolved trauma can pass through generations and continue to plague kids for a long time. When you become aware of your triggers, you increase the odds to favour a positive response for your child’s emotional wellbeing. Suppose there are already some areas where your unconscious, irrational reactions are damaging your child. In that case, you can then start taking significant steps to resolve those situations. Most times, what you need to do is take a step back and analyze a situation. It is only from recognizing your triggers that you would be able to respond more proactively. 

If you identify your emotional triggers, you will uncover the roots of your past emotional hurts that affect the way you interact with your child. With this awareness, you will create a nurturing environment for your child. 

How do you heal from your emotional triggers? 

We all have emotional triggers, that’s for sure. You may feel that you are not up to the challenge of discovering exactly what your triggers are, but you can only truly heal when you begin the process of getting to know and understand your triggers. 

At this point, you know the meaning of emotional triggers, some examples, and their origin. Now the big question is - how do you heal from your emotional triggers? First of all, accept that there are no perfect parents. Mistakes are an inevitable part of living, what matters most is how you deal with the issues. Here are some steps to get you started on the healing process: 

1. Practice self-care: Put in a conscious effort to ensure that you take care of your own emotional, mental and physical health. Mental self-care takes many forms, it includes doing things that help you maintain a healthy inner dialogue. While practicing self-care, be mindful of your parenting; Notice when you can’t carry out tasks in front of you. Your focus should be on how you can care for yourself (“Me Time”) so that you can effectively care for your kids. 
2. Be very honest with yourself: When you think about your reactions to various emotional triggers, are you being sincere to yourself? Are your reactions mild and easy to resolve or are they wild and hard to resolve? Thinking honestly about your triggers is a crucial step in the healing process. Being honest about the entire situation will help you realize when it’s time to seek out professional assistance in working through your triggers
3. Educate yourself: Joyful parenting can only be achieved through constant learning. There isn’t a manual on how to raise kids and that’s exactly why it’s an ongoing process. Start by reading articles about self-awareness and parenting. Join a Facebook page that discusses parenting issues. Enrol in online courses that teach you how to become more aware of yourself as a parent. Sometimes you may find yourself in a situation where you feel like speaking one-on-one with a professional, just don’t stop learning.

Many of us come from toxic families, and when the family of origin isn’t a safe place, the wounds that are left unhealed go deep. Many of the parents in my group sessions feel understood and comforted by other members of the group. It’s not just a group of parents who had traumatic childhoods; it’s a group of people who care about others and learn about themselves. 

3 core practices to keep in mind on your journey

Emotional self-regulation is an ongoing process. Compare it to brushing your teeth every day. To keep your teeth clean and healthy, you need to form a habit. Brush your teeth every morning and night and visit a dentist every 3 months. 

To regulate your emotions, you need to adopt a few practices and make them habits. If done long enough, you will get to a point where you will never need to blow up or react irrationally. See these practices as principles to adopt and nurture until they become a part of you. 

• Practice Self-awareness:

Self-awareness is the result of the ongoing practice of self-assessment. In practicing it, you aim to see your actions dispassionately. Do your current actions and emotions align with your internal standards? I have written extensively about self-awareness, hell, I even have an online course that can teach you how to become more self-aware. https://arletteshohmelian.podia.com/crazy-to-calm-the-empowering-parent-program

For one reason: Self-awareness is like a superpower. 

As you become more self-aware, you will begin to objectively evaluate yourself, manage your emotions, and align your behaviour with your cherished beliefs. As you make self-awareness a regular practice, you will know how your child perceives you correctly, and you will be sure that you have a firm grip on your emotions. 

• Recognize habits on Autopilot :

Our thoughts and actions when repeated over time become automatic. We ease the mental burden of having to think through every situation by leaving our thoughts and actions on autopilot. A problem arises when our automatic approach is unable to effectively handle different situations. When we’re on autopilot, we become unaware of our own habits, routines, impulses, and reactions. They begin to control us, no longer us controlling them. 

There are at least one of your habits on autopilot and you need to become conscious of what it may be. Become mindful of your reactions and habits. What you’re looking for are habits that may help you get through your day but damage your ability to parent your child effectively

• Recognize your distractions

We protect and insulate our minds from the pains and boredom of day-to-day life through distractions. We stare at our phones for long hours and obsess about the past or potential future. Technology with all its perks is now a top concern as more people are losing their ability to connect with others and themselves. 

The reliance on technology is making some of us feel anxious and stressed out. Social media especially, makes us feel like we’re not enough or simply not doing enough. We use movies, books, games, and music to teleport ourselves to a place where everything is easy, where no pain exists. 

We need to become aware of our distractions. 

Being distracted is inevitable, but a rule of thumb to remember when it comes to handling distractions is to ensure that you are choosing your distractions and that they are not choosing you. 

You can allow yourself to drift off on your phone for a while if that’s what you need, but you must remain aware that you made that choice. I also encourage you to take your distractions in bite-sized amounts if you can. Never binge on a distraction. 

Let me conclude with this vivid quote by the renowned psychiatrist Carl Jung :

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.”

You now know about some of your emotional triggers and some effective way to manage them. Use every chance you get to apply what you’ve learned from this post. If you want your children to be emotionally intelligent and able to regulate their emotions effectively, You need to be exemplary. Make sure that you’re not standing in their way. 

Meet Your Trainer

I am Arlette, a parent coach, a psychologist and mother of two with experience helping parents and children build their relationships successfully. I believe that an awareness of the self is the key to a more joyful and fulfilling parenting experience. That’s why I created my course From Crazy To Calm - The Empowered Parent Program. Self-Awareness For More Joyful Parenting to help parents gain more self-awareness. When you enrol in my course, you become part of a private support group where parents interact and share meaningful feedback with each other. https://arletteshohmelian.podia.com/crazy-to-calm-the-empowering-parent-program 

To receive more of my tried-and-tested parenting tips subscribe to my newsletter: 

https://arletteshohmelian.podia.com/blog and feel free to follow me on social media.

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ParentTreeArletteShohmelian

LinkedIn https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/arlette-shohmelian-parentcoach-trainer/ 

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/parenttree_arlette_shohmelian 

YouTube 

I would love to hear from you! See you there! 

Subscribe to my newsletter: 

https://arletteshohmelian.podia.com/blog

Website

https://arletteshohmelian.podia.com/

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/ParentTreeArletteShohmelian

Linkedin

https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/arlette-shohmelian-parentcoach-trainer/

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/parenttree_arlette_shohmelian