What About Your Friends?
As an introvert, my circle has always been small and super tight. It wasn’t until I was a full grown adult that I realized how important friendships were to my everyday life. It may sound trivial, but when you surround yourself with the right people it can shift your perspective from limited to limitless. They encourage you, challenge you, and celebrate you in ways others may never do. Your friends relate to you and offer you a safe space that feels warm and welcoming at almost any moment. You can feel a sense of belonging with your closest friends, even more so than with your family.
After the pandemic, there seemed to be an awakening to the things in life that really matter. We spent months in isolation and I think many of us realized the importance of the relationships we have outside of our home and family. The time has come to reconnect. Reconnect with our friends, which can lead to reconnecting with our true, happier selves.
As you step outside again, below are some things to consider as you begin reconnecting with old friends or expanding your circle with new connections.
Challenges You May Face
“All the women, who independent…” as Destiny’s Child so famously sang celebrated independence. I, too, celebrate independence, but there is a healthy balance of everything. I, personally, believe that our society has over emphasized individualism at the cost of forming deep, meaningful relationships and our general wellbeing that is aided by a sense of acceptance and community. In addition to our individualistic society, we invest mush of our time in social media, which allows us to maintain connections at the most shallow level of watching from the sidelines and making quick one liners to let someone know that they have been seen. But this isn’t all of our fault, there are several reasons that contribute to the lack of strong, healthy friendships.
You Are Busy Adulting
Who knew being an adult was so hard? As a teenager, I remember dreaming of the day I would become an “adult.” Now, I fantasize about being a teenager again with no bills, kids, or fulltime job. As adults, we are all juggling multiple priorities and responsibilities. The take the majority of our time and energy. We are managing our personal schedules, professional schedules, children's schedules, and more depending on your specific life. Dedicating time to “friends” can seem like something that’s easily removable from your list, but it shouldn’t be. It’s not just for them, it’s for you!
Your Personal Growth
If you are lucky, you experienced exponential personal growth in your 20s — 30s. For me, my entire outlook on life has changed multiple times and it continues to evolve based on my experiences. As you grow and change, everyone may not fit in your life exactly the same. Personally, when I became focused on raising my son, my single friends with no kids couldn’t completely relate to why I wasn’t available for happy hours any more. I still have love and appreciation for them, but I had to change in order to be the best mom I could be. You may find these experiences in your life. They will shift your friend group and that’s ok.
Your Past Experiences
We have all been scorned. These negative experiences can cause us to build walls that keep anyone from getting close to us. The deep rooted truth is that we are trying to protect ourselves because we are afraid. We want to avoid the potential of being hurt. The problem with fear is that it stops us from growing and blocks the possibility of positive experiences. There’s a two part solution for this…?(1)?Appreciate the positive aspects of the past bad experience.?Maybe you had an unforgettable experience with this person that you will always value or will always make you laugh.?(2) Find the lesson that you will take forward from the experience.?Maybe you learned a personality trait that is a red flag for future friendships. Do not limit your relationships based on a bad experience, learn and keep moving towards friendships that work for you.
Creating New Friendships
You only need a few good friends, but these people can seem like unicorns. To quickly form new friendships, you can look for two things.
Identify Common Interests
There are many ways to find people who are interested in the same hobbies or experiences as you. Having a common interest can be a great way to start and keep a conversation going. You will also be able to easily and enthusiastically find activities to do together. To find people with common interests, you have to get out! Try joining community groups (try Meetup.com), volunteer in the area of your interest, or hangout at places related to your interests.
Shared Core Values
Finding someone with similar values makes the process much easier. You don’t have to mirror each other, but you need a strong foundation to get you started. Some examples include:
You may say that all of these are values you have and like to have in friend. None of these are bad. The trick is there are different levels for everyone. So, how does your values match with your potential friend's values?
Maintaining Friendships
How do you maintain a friendship when life is so complicated? The secret is to make it as easy as possible to maintain the connection. Follow everything above and then do this.
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Proactively Schedule Activities
This is when those common interests come up. If you have a common interest and there is an activity related to it, you will enthusiastically find time to do it. For example, I go to the theater to see every Marvel and DC movie with my close friend. That means we have a built in touchpoint every couple of months. This could also be something like a quarterly lunch, brunch, or happy hour, maybe an art/comedy show. Find what works for you.
Continuous Celebrations
Be sure to celebrate your friends as much as possible. It could be an annual birthday dinner or a tradition every time someone has a major life event (promotion, pregnancy, successful project, etc.). Birthdays and annual holidays are great because they are always happening. For example, I have one friend that I schedule a holiday lunch with every year and another friend that I have a Valentine's Day lunch with every year. So, we both know it's coming, we put it on our schedule, and it has become our tradition. Bonus is that this is during the day, while the kids are still in school which makes it easier to schedule. What could you and your current/new friends do to create your own traditions? It’s really up to you two, but make it happen.
Engage Social Media and Text
In between your regular touchpoints and if you both are on social media, you can like and comment on their posts. You can also text regularly regarding topics you are both interested in. It’s easy, simple, and convenient. No excuses.
Knowing When to Let Go
Many, even most, of your friendships won’t be deep, lifetime connections. Everything has it’s season and, if we are lucky, we have some that extend way beyond that. Be ok with redefining your relationships based on what works best for you.
What this does not mean:
Chill out. Pausing or ending friendships should be reserved for when it is absolutely needed. Here are three times when you should end a friendship.
They Are Not Supportive
You are starting a new job or venture and your friend either talks it down or avoids the topic.?This is a problem!?Your friends should be your cheerleaders. They don’t have to worship the ground you walk on, but they should be just as supportive of you as the random person liking your post on Facebook. That’s a minimum.
They Show You No Empathy
You are dealing with a sick child and a heavy workload, but your friend is telling you that you complain too much.?This is a problem!?Your friends should be sympathetic to your issues and show understanding, not contempt.
Their Values Are Not Aligned
You are taking care of a sick family member and your friend is upset that you did not attend their birthday celebration.?This is a problem!?Not only is your friend not showing support or empathy, they are not understanding your core value of family. This is a relationship you end without hesitation, guilt, or regret.
Build Your Tribe
Believe me, friends come in all shapes and forms. Build a tribe that brings out the best in you. It’s completely possible to surround yourself with people who are supportive, empathetic, and fun! Each friend can bring something new and unique to your life. And if you forget everything in this article, remember this one thing, every friend should inspire you.
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Principal at Ernst Consulting Services - Dedicated to effectively supporting remote teams or individuals
2 年Thanks Joy R’zelle B., ACC Another riveting article with #deepthoughts and #insight #keepitcoming !
Solutions Technician III | Network and System Administration/Administrator.
2 年Extremely insightful and spot on! Well done.