What Is It That You Want?

For me, I thought it was money so that I could read more.?

I was wrong. Sure I want the cash, but it has nothing to do with reading whatsoever.

That was just some bullshit I told myself because I didn’t want to dig any deeper than a generalized answer that money is my ticket to the freedom of reading.?

I want the money, make no mistake about that. Not because I can read any more than I already am, but because of the power that is associated with it.?

Up until recently, I have been thinking long and hard about my finances. I have a house that needs fixing. There is some traveling I would like to eventually do.?

I would like to make my Mom’s and family's life more comfortable. Overall, I want the freedom of choice that I thought I didn’t already have.

And the surefire solution was a big fat bank account.?

The more zeros I had, the more life would grant me access to read more daily.??

It wasn’t until I did a little inventory of my life that I realized how off the mark I was in what I truly wanted.?

I want power. Not to control, but to say no. Reading had nothing to do with it.?

I read all the time, and I still have a meager living, so this construct of money affording me more time to read was a crock of poo.?

My happiness had nothing remotely to do with money in the slightest. I have more freedom now than I have ever had.?

Not because I have more money, but because I learned what is important in my life.?

Sure monetary wealth provides access and experiences otherwise lost on most people, but did it grant me the choice I already have??

Nope.

I would read as much now as if I had a stockpile of bonds and dividends. I might even read less because of all the added anxiety wealth and maintaining it would cause.?

This made me even want to push further about what I wanted.?

Reading has been and will always be my gig. I love to read. There is nothing more important to me than reading unless it is a good meal or a nice piece of ass.?

Of course, I could have phrased that last part better, but I am a bit crass. Rhymes with ass.?

Outside of a good book, a good meal, and great sex, that is about the only things I live for.

And no amount of money could provide better.?

Sure my choices would be elevated with the right amount of cash, but give me a fried bologna sandwich with ketchup, peanut butter cookies, my library card, and someone who finds me attractive enough to want to touch me, and I am good to go.?

So the definition of money, or better yet power is different from what I thought I wanted.?

I would like the safety it provides from looking at my electric bill or telling an employer to pound sand, but the more I explore what I want, the more I realize I already have it.?

How often do we think about what it is that we truly want?

Are you working hard for that title because of power and prestige, or because deep down inside you want someone to recognize you for being important???

If you have family and friends, then I will bet you are important.?

Do you want to look or act a certain way so that you don’t feel lonely all of the time? The only way to do that is to physically change your outward appearance.?

And I am going to bet that there are people out there who love you just the way you are.

That has nothing to do with how you look, but with how you look at yourself. And how you look at the world.?

I used to think that the more money I had, the more clever and smart people would perceive me to be. Money equalled freedom.

Freedom equaled choice. Choice equaled power. Power enabled me to read whenever I wanted.?

What I came to understand was that I read all the time. The power I thought I needed so that I could make a choice, had nothing to do with my bank account.

The freedom I experience affords me regular visits to the library.?

And that is power, choice, and freedom that money cannot buy.?

I had the power the entire time.?

Someone a lot wiser than me once said that the things in life are what we need, and not what we want, because most of us wouldn’t know what to do with it in the first place.?

Did that make sense??

Every day we are bombarded with an ideal that we try to fit into. And every day we are less than because what we think we want, isn’t really what we need.?

So we hate ourselves and never take the moment to ask ourselves what it is that we truly want.

If we did, there would be a lot fewer problems in our day-to-day lives and a lot more bologna sandwiches, peanut butter, and a cotius.?

The money would solve a lot of things, but it wouldn’t be spent in the moments of our lives that count.?

When you have some time, take a few seconds and ask yourself what you want. And I don’t mean some glossed-over answers, but the good stuff.?

Find the meat and potatoes. The parts of yourself that you haven’t explored.??

The things in your life that truly matter.

And I can safely say that you already have what you are looking for.??

And to quote my hero LeVar Burton; “You don’t have to take my word for it.”?

What is it that you want?