What Are You So Afraid Of?

3 Brave leaders inspire people to conquer fear + the best quote we learned at the Naval Academy.

"What is it that you're so freaking afraid of Dave?"

"I'm not afraid. Of anything."

"I know it takes courage to be a Navy fighter pilot; but what you're trying to do is going to take a new kind of courage."

"Oh yeah, mister Navy SEAL 'I'm-so-cool-because-every-movie-and-book-is-about-me-now', what is this new type of courage I need?"

"The kind of courage where admitting your weaknesses will give strength to others that desperately need it; but they can't ask for it because admitting weakness means you're out of the Wolfpack. And if you're out of the Wolfpack, who are you ... and what do you do then? You've got something here that needs to be shared, so quit being such a %$$$* and go out there and do it already!"

My friend was right. I was afraid to show weakness. But he wasn't quite done yet letting me know exactly where I needed to improve. I'm a perfectionist, he went on to say. "And that means you're a procrastinator. And that means ... you're afraid. Of being judged. Ridiculed. But all fears are crippling; you have to ruthlessly eliminate them or they will consume you. Even worse, you know something important that others need to know. Now."

Damn. I hate being called out. But above all, I hate being afraid. So here I am, flaws and all. Ready to lead and make something positive happen out of tragedy. Here's a vital part of my turnaround story, told in the framework of the three leaders that inspired and encouraged me when I needed it the most:

• Leader #1: John Allen, CEO Elite Meet, Navy SEAL

Leadership Trait: ENCOURAGEMENT. Of all the leadership styles I've seen during my time in the military, this one is the most powerful. Why? Because when it is done right, the ripple effect endures forever.

Positive Impact: John's leadership guided me to overcome internal resistance and irrational fear; helped show me the value of speed over perfection, and authenticity over polished scripts. He also had the courage to tell me a personal story; this let me know he really understood in a way I wasn't sure anyone else even could. If you're clever, you've probably guessed that he's also the friend in the above, very one-sided dialogue...

• Leader #2: Tracy McAdams, President, Waterfront Warriors South

Leadership Trait: HEALING. No one likes to admit they need help, and a lot of veterans shy away from special attention; but the fact is sometimes we all need it. Tracy's great big heart is infused into her organization. They provide a beautiful beachside sanctuary for returning warriors and their families to spend some time together in tranquility; all while having the chance to learn beneficial skills they might never otherwise adopt.

Positive Impact: I was invited as a guest speaker to share what I've learned with my fellow veterans; I was happily surprised to find that the trip helped me heal myself. When you teach, you learn twice. I would have never applied to this program for a number of reasons, so big thanks to Tracy and her Co-Founder/Navy Veteran/Firefighter/all-around-great-guy husband Kevin for 'tricking me' into attending! I also received a letter many months later from an Army Special Forces soldier I spent some time with; his sincere thank you for my book and the things that I had taught him actually inspired me to keep pressing forward when I was about to give up hope. See what I mean about these ripple effects enduring?

[picture above is of the hero's bagpipe welcome our returning veterans received at the airport in Florida - everyone stopped and cheered at the homecoming I wish all of our guys and gals could have the joy of experiencing]

• Leader #3: Jason Van Camp, CEO Warrior Rising, Army Green Beret

Leadership Trait: MENTORSHIP. Jason and his Warrior Rising team have done something fantastic in creating something out of nothing. They've adapted existing mission-planning knowledge and applied it to entrepreneurship. This crafty translation of the 'can-do' military spirit and lingo to a business savvy framework sends electricity to spark the lightbulb for budding veteran entrepreneurs. Candidates must earn their way to receive funding, but the camaraderie and access to knowledge is second to none. Experienced mentors abound, and the entire team is singularly focused on making sure each candidate succeeds.

Positive Impact: I learned how to create my new website designed to stop veteran suicide and help guide people through a difficult time. Although it isn't perfect yet, it's a start. I was also introduced to some ultra-successful entrepreneurs looking to give back; their enthusiastic guidance is something I'm extremely grateful for. One mentor invited me to church; now to be fair, I'm not the most religious person around, but one moment stood out in vivid color:

A Brooklyn woman went up to the podium (I'm such a hometown kid I love anyone from NYC...) and recounted a story of a beloved member in their congregation. When this friendly man was assigned to welcome a new family, he loudly and enthusiastically boomed in his Caribbean accent "I have been called to LOVE your family!"

The way she told this story I could actually feel his joy at unabashedly loving these new people he had only just met. No matter what your religion or even if you don't have a religion, wouldn't it be great if we could all have that feeling? Not only for the veterans we meet, but for all people we come in contact with?

All the books I've read seem to reveal a common truth: the majority of human unhappiness comes from feeling disconnected from others. Don't wait for that connection to come to you - be a leader right now and make the first move to connect with people; you just never know who you meet that will need it the most.

Break through your fears like the legendary F-14 Tomcat bursting through the sound barrier at Mach 1.0+; the distinctive circular vapor cloud is formed around the supersonic wing; plus it looks cool.

Courtesy: US Navy; VF-103 Jolly Rogers supersonic fly-by of the aircraft carrier.

"Don't make no difference what nobody says, Ain't nobody like to be alone."

Bruce Springsteen, Hungry Heart

If you slog through all the podcasts and TED talks like I have (blah blah blah...) another truth emerges from the noise: we NEED personal connections with others to thrive and grow. Without them, we wither and falter. Like our country's motto "United We Stand, Divided We Fall" wisely cautions, no one should be left on their own. So no matter what our political differences are during this somewhat heated period of time, let's come together at least in this one way: when you meet a veteran, consider adding something else to the usual 'thank you for your service' ... maybe 'welcome home' or even better ... 'how can I best assist YOU in achieving your American dream?'

Lastly, too many times our fears hold us back from becoming the person we are meant to be. It takes a real leader to buck the norm, and venture bravely out onto the cliff's edge where no one else dares to go. Right now that cliff's edge is 'mental injury' (this is a big improvement on 'mental illness', which sounds contagious and too stigma-y, right?) --- it is so toxic and taboo that merely having the mention of it on my linked in profile was enough for an Army buddy to advise me to pull it down. "You'll never get a job with even the faintest history of that on your record" he wisely warned me...

...But that is why people stay silent, and that is part of the reason why so many of our brave men and women come home and struggle. In silence. Isolated. Without their Wolfpack. With less than ideal behaviors (sometimes beyond their comprehension) that make the isolation even worse, leading to any number of terrible outcomes. So with that, here I am exposed and out on the cliff. But I am confident, that while I might be mocked by some, I'll be a beacon for others to follow who are in trouble.

I'll leave you with this; I chanced upon an old Naval Academy graduate at the YMCA this morning, and although he must be 65+ years old (based on his grad year), he radiated energy, life and confidence. His entire demeanor reminded me of two great things:

1. The MAN IN THE ARENA: We had to memorize this Plebe Year at the Academy. (listed below in all its glory)
2. Buzz Lightyear: one of those leaders that make you feel strong & hopeful just in his presence. Be like Gary was for me this morning & be a leader - when you are strong, lend your strength; people are counting on you.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. 

Theodore Roosevelt, 1910