What you say matters

The comedian and actor Charlie Chaplin once said, “Words are cheap. The biggest thing you can say is elephant.”?This statement, obviously being a joke and a play on words, is frequently used to discredit the importance of what someone says. We often use this phrase to infer that words are cheap and what you DO is what really matters.?We like to focus on action because many say that action is what counts. The reality is: what you say matters. In the New Testament James likens the tongue to the rudder of a ship, “And observe ships. Though they are so great and are driven by fierce winds, yet they are directed by a very small rudder wherever the captain pleases. Even so, the tongue is a little part of the body and boasts great things.”?

How we control our tongue defines how we navigate the complexities of our lives and relationships. First and foremost, it is crucial to understand that what we say matters. Once we understand that, we then need to focus on what we are saying.??

What do you SAY to yourself?

The first place to start is by asking, “What are you saying to yourself??What is your inner dialogue?”?Many people, including myself, struggle with a tough inner critic that doesn’t let a thing slide.?Every small thing that we do wrong we repeat in our heads.?Many of us discourage, degrade, and talk poorly of ourselves, often saying to ourselves things we would never say to another human being.?We treat ourselves worse than we would anyone else around us.?This inner dialogue is tough because even reading this right now you might be saying, “Yep that is me, you dummy.?Why do you talk to yourself so badly dummy?”?Even just thinking about a subject can start this negative cycle of poor self-talk.?Negative self-talk can start anywhere and around any topic.?It often leads to a lack of confidence and a feeling of inadequacy or even depression.?I know this because I have gone the rounds with this negative voice.

The hard part is once you start saying to yourself that you need to speak better about yourself you start with a negative and that usually drives you down the negative cycle.?What I have found is that instead of saying you need speak better to yourself--what you need to do is to start questioning the voice in your head that is speaking so negatively.?That voice is not the truth, and it is not accurate.?It is not even you. It is just a thought.

When you pause to question the thought or the voice, you will find yourself moving on and sometimes almost laughing at the absurdity of it.?The more you can identify negative self-talk for what it is and as you observe and question it dispassionately, you will be more likely to move on. You will be able to rid yourself of the negative self-talk and calm your mind.?As Brene Brown put it, “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

What do you SAY about others behind their back?

What you say behind closed doors is the best window into how you see the world.?We often feel the need to validate our feelings by speaking about others.?We do this to help validate the thoughts and feelings you have about a person.?This can quickly turn into gossip and back biting.?While this might feel validating it can often lead to an erosion of trust between all involved.?We often talk poorly about people to others and don’t realize that they might be thinking, “Do they say this same thing about me behind my back?”?This is why gossip and back biting is so damaging.?It erodes the trust of everyone involved and crushes relationships.?

The opposite is also true.?There is no greater compliment than one you get behind your back.?When you hear people speaking of you kindly behind your back this builds loyalty.?You realize these people have your back and that they speak kindly of you even when you are not present.?One of the most powerful ways I have found to help build a team is to catch compliments others are sharing about fellow team members and retell them to their face.?Let the person know that it was said when they were not present.?This makes the compliment even more powerful because it shows that the team cares about each other even when they are not there.

What do you SAY to others?

What we say to others matters.?How many people do you know are still holding onto a grudge because of something someone said??This grudge can be decades old, but they can still vividly remember every ill word spoken. Words are remembered and they matter. ?What we say to others either builds a relationship or erodes it.?

This does not mean we can’t have tough conversations, but it does matter what words we use.?One example of this is when a manager is having a difficult discussion with an employee, and they say, “Don’t take this personal.” when addressing an issue.?They are trying to absolve themselves of responsibility for saying something that is going to hurt their feelings.?You might have to say something that might hurt their feelings, but if it is what is best for them don’t try and absolve yourself from that responsibility.?Own the responsibility because you are doing it for their best interest.?One personal example of this is when I have had to address a salesperson that had bad body odor.?This conversation is a tough one to have.?It is very personal and can hurt feelings, but it also can cost that person not only lost income but a lost career if not taken care of.?To have that conversation is important, but how and what you say is important.?When you do it out of care for the other person it is heard and felt.

What do you not SAY?

?The family therapist Paul Watzlawick famously said, “You cannot not communicate.” What this means is even if you are not talking you are still communicating.?Even when you say nothing, you are still saying something. There are times that you need to communicate by not saying anything.?The first and most obvious time is when we should be listening.?Sometimes we tell others how great of a listener we are, but we can’t shut up enough to actually listen to them.?When we are quiet, we are saying that we are listening. When we ask a question, we should follow it up with silence.?Silence is also good after we are asked a question. It means we take the question seriously and that we are pondering.?Often people have an aversion to silence, but it is a very powerful form of communication.?

Silence isn’t always good though.?Often, we create silence when words need to be said.?This could be when we should show or share gratitude and instead, we keep silent.?True gratitude is not just a feeling.?It is an action and an expression.?When you fail to express gratitude, you communicate that you are ungrateful.?When you fail to compliment others, you communicate that others don’t matter.?What you don’t say speaks just as loudly as what you do say.?

The eyes are often referred to as the window to your soul.?The tongue is the window to your heart.