Why What You Really Need is More Conflict at Work

For more on this topic, you can tune into a conversation I had during a LinkedIn Live hosted by?San?ar Sahin , the co-founder of?Oliva . You can watch the replay ?? HERE .

Most of us feel like conflict is the last thing we need at work. It makes us wrestle with unpleasant feelings like frustration, anger, sadness, and fear. It flips the switch on our amygdala, turning us into desk-bound Neanderthals faced with the classic fight or flight choice: to club our problems or to run for the nearest cave. It disrupts the harmony and peace we naturally crave, spelling out discomfort in bold letters. So, really, who would actively seek out more of that at work, right?

Turns out - successful teams would. They know that conflict is necessary to move things forward, reconcile dilemmas, effectively solve problems, help them grow as individuals and gel as a team. They know that progress is never driven by unanimous agreement or surface-level peace - it thrives on intellectual friction among people who enjoy working together.

In this issue of Culture Craft, I want to share a few things we can learn about conflict from successful teams.

Keep your conflict debt low

Great teams rarely choose the path of conflict avoidance. They understand that dodging conflict is like perpetually living on a credit card—eventually, the bill comes due, plunging them into what my friend Liane Davey aptly terms "conflict debt." They're all too aware that the issues they've sidestepped will inevitably circle back, casting a shadow over their productivity.

Conflict debt can stem from seemingly minor oversights, like withholding constructive feedback that might help a colleague level up, or from more significant missteps, such as procrastinating on pivotal decisions that could erode the organization's competitive standing.

To sidestep the quagmire of conflict debt, you need to embrace a proactive stance, prioritizing open communication and creating an environment where feedback is not just encouraged but expected.

In meetings, it's important to make space for all voices to be heard, recognizing that the best ideas often emerge from a clash of perspectives. You will also want to invest in conflict resolution training, equipping yor team members with the tools they need to navigate disagreements constructively.

Finally, it's important to practice regular reflection and debriefing sessions, where they you and your team can openly discuss what's working and what's not. This ongoing dialogue prevents the accumulation of unresolved issues and fosters a culture of continuous improvement.

By embracing these strategies, you don't just avoid conflict debt; you transform potential friction into fuel for innovation, collaboration, and ultimately, success.

Fight to solve problems, not to win

Unsuccessful teams are often overwhelmed by their team members' amygdalas and all too often think they need to fight to win, aka to be right. That's a recipe for disaster.

The goal of conflict is not to win. It’s to understand each other more deeply to work better together and solve problems more effectively.

So here are three things you can do to stop fighting to win and to start fighting to solve problems:

Start right

John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, two notable psychologists, uncovered that the beginning of a conflict strongly predicts its outcome.

97% of the time, the way a conflict kicks off determines how it will end. The initial three minutes of a disagreement set the entire tone.

Starting on a harsh note can come across as an attack, leaving your coworkers feeling like they have no choice but to go on the defensive. However, approaching the conversation with a softer touch will pave the way for more positive outcomes—like mutual learning, innovative solutions, and deeper connection.

To navigate a conflict conversation more effectively, try framing your concerns gently:

"I feel (emotion) about (situation/problem), and I need (what you positively need)."

Starting with "I feel," you're focusing on your emotions without blaming anyone. Describing the situation or problem should be done in a way that avoids casting your colleague as the villain. And when you express what you need, aim for the positive—what actions can improve the situation, rather than dwelling on past failures.

For instance, you might say, "I feel anxious (emotion) when I'm not updated on the major milestones of this project (situation). Could you share a weekly status report with me?" (positive need). This approach invites collaboration without pointing fingers, making it easier to work together towards a solution.

Get to the heart of the matter

During conflicts, we often skim the surface, zeroing in on the positions our colleagues stake out rather than digging deeper to uncover their underlying needs or the true heart of the issue.

For instance, if a team member insists on using a particular software for a project, it's easy to get caught up in a back-and-forth about the merits of that software. However, this approach misses the opportunity to explore what's really driving their preference. Maybe they're worried about the learning curve of a new tool and how it might affect their productivity, or perhaps they've had a positive past experience that makes them trust this software more.

By shifting the focus from the immediate issue (the choice of software) to the underlying concerns (fears about productivity or trust in familiar tools), we open up the conversation. This allows for a more meaningful dialogue where solutions can be tailored to address the real needs of everyone involved. It's about moving from a tug-of-war over positions to a collaborative search for solutions that consider the deeper motivations and concerns behind those positions.

To dive deeper into understanding each other's needs and the root causes of conflicts, consider asking questions like:

1. "What's your main concern with the current situation?"
2. "Can you help me understand why this is particularly important to you?"
3. "What are your biggest worries about making a change?"
4. "How does this align with your goals or the project's objectives?"
5. "What would an ideal outcome look like for you?"
6. "Are there any past experiences influencing your perspective on this?"
7. "How can we address this in a way that meets both our needs?"
8. "What’s one thing we could do right now to make this situation better for both of us?"
9. "Is there a compromise that you think would work for both sides?"
10. "How do you see us moving forward from here?"

Respect each other's core needs

In the workplace, finding common ground is key; to do that, we need a sense of safety first. This means identifying our non-negotiables—the core needs related to the issue at hand that we just can't budge on without losing too much. It's a bit like the principle of Japanese aikido: "Yield to win." By being open to the reasonable parts of our colleague's suggestions that don't clash with our core needs, we start to build a bridge. The more we can accommodate, the more they're likely to reciprocate, turning the conflict into a collaborative effort rather than a showdown. For compromise to truly work, we need to find a path that respects both parties' fundamental needs and aspirations.

Enter the "Bagel Method," a strategy borrowed from the Gottmans, which uses the imagery of a bagel to help visualize our core needs versus our areas of flexibility.

Picture a bagel: in the center, you jot down the elements of the issue that are deal-breakers for you—these are your core needs, beliefs, and values that you hold tight. Around the outer edge, note down where you're more adaptable. These are the parts you're willing to negotiate on, provided your central needs are met.

Now, it's time for a chat. Dive into discussions about:

• The significance of each other's non-negotiables.
• How you can support one another's fundamental needs.
• Exploring each other's flexibility and what compromise looks like in those areas.

By comparing your "bagels," you can identify mutual understanding, common feelings, and shared objectives. From there, brainstorming how to achieve these goals together can lead to a compromise that, while perhaps not perfect, honors both sides' needs and aspirations.

If there's one thing I'd like you to take away from this edition of the Culture Craft Newsletter, it's that successful conflict management involves fighting not to win but to solve, to understand, and to unite, turning our workplace challenges into opportunities for deeper connection and shared achievements. So here's to embracing conflict, not as a hurdle, but as a stepping stone towards building a stronger, more dynamic team.

Want more?

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