What You Need to Know – Lawyer Jokes

Instead of our usual practice of sending an analysis of a recent judgment, in honor of April Fool’s Day, with thanks to Danny P, here are some excerpts from what we understand to be actual transcripts of testimony where lawyers, and one judge make fools of themselves:

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o Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"

o Witness: "By death."

o Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

o Witness: “Take a guess”.

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o Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

o Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

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o Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

o Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

o Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"

o Witness: "My name is Susan."

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o Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

o Witness: "No."

o Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

o Witness: "No."

o Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

o Witness: "No."

o Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

o Witness: "No."

o Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

o Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

o Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

o Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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o Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

o Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

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o Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"

o Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."

o Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

o Witness: “Yes if he wasn’t he would have been screaming bloody murder”

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o The judge speaking to the jury: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any."

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o Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"

o Witness: "I could see his head."

o Lawyer: "And where was his head?"

o Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

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o Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"

o Witness: "The victim lived."