What if you discovered that your relationship conflicts are rooted in your partner's childhood psychological wounds?

Many people carry with them mental baggage from their upbringing, and get into marriage that way. This baggage is mostly in the form of wounds, or what is called childhood trauma. Wounds of neglect. Wounds of anger. Wounds of desire for revenge. Wounds of fear. Wounds of isolation. Name them.

Now, many people live with a psychologically wounded person and only get awakened to it when they learn there is something like it, from for instance, hearing it from a counselor. Question is, if you woke up and learned that your partner of 10 years has been carrying a childhood wound that has significantly ruined your relationship to the extent that you no longer feel any love for them, what would you do?

1. You finally know what has been ailing your relationship. Trust me; you are way better than many people who have no idea why their partners behave the way they do. From here, your situation can only get better; but only if you take the subsequent steps.

2. Don’t expect your partner to accept that they have a problem. Most, if not all, people do not agree they have a problem if it is pointed out by their partner. You see, they interpret it as admitting to you that they are the ones who have been ruining your relationship. With you having been the victim in the conflicts that have been there, and being the humans they are, they choose the “safer” option: to deny. They do not know the steps you will take if they admit so they would rather be safe.

3. As such, I would advise you to use a person that they trust and respect; to awaken them to the fact that they have a problem; but that they can be helped. From such a person, they are likely to listen. They are convinced that this person does not have ulterior motives so they are unlikely to be defensive.

4. Its better that this third party does not disclose that he was sent forth by you; at least initially. If your partner got wind that you sent him “people”, they may react very angrily. Later on, after they have gained insight of their problem, the person can carefully disclose. At this point, they will be in a position to understand that you only wanted the best for them and your relationship.

5. The third party should be a person who is fully supportive; one who will gladly go an extra step as to accompany your partner for therapy sessions. Remember where your partner is coming from; from a point of not seeing a problem with himself or herself. Unless he is fully supported, the easier option is to sink back into denial.

6. Good news: your love for this person may have been “blanketed” by the heartache he or she has caused you for years. There are thus high chances that your love and intimacy with your partner will be restored once he or she heals and your relationship with them gets better. Thus, don’t make any move, until you see whether things will get better.