What if You are the Difficult One?

High-Performance Executive Newsletter: Uplevel your success and reduce stress.

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This week, we're looking at the nervous system fight state.

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What if You’re the Difficult One?

In my former career as an engineering director, I had a nightmare of a meeting. It was a mini-conference with the Chief Engineers of our five top customers, our CEO, and the most senior leaders in our software company.

A physicist colleague was explaining a new computer model he was working on, but I had a problem with it. I thought his assumptions were flawed, and we’d already discussed it. My intention was to raise the assumption and invite discussion.

That didn’t happen. Instead, I felt a flood of anger and very loudly voiced my opinion. I was condescending, sarcastic, and mean!

It wasn’t until that night, when I couldn’t sleep, that what I’d done dawned on me. Slowly, clarity filtered through, and I was mortified by what I’d done. I’d embarrassed my colleague, our customers, my company and myself.

Staring at the dark ceiling, I couldn’t understand why I’d said those awful things. This wasn’t me. I would never dream of behaving this way. I love people and would never want to hurt them. That isn’t the real me.

The dark voice inside whispered, "Maybe I was a monster. Maybe I was somehow broken or had a flawed personality.” What was I even doing in this job?

Anything Sound Familiar?

Have you ever had a situation like that? When your reaction blew all out of proportion to a relatively minor thing. (Like a tiny physics question – sheesh!).

If this was never your experience, then you’ve likely witnessed someone else losing it in this way.

I’d been horrified to find that I had become a ‘difficult person.’ The kind of person that everyone else wanted to know how to deal with. Ugh! I'd lost my real self.

I’ve worked with many clients who have also found themselves to be a ‘difficult person.’ The common theme is that they never intended to get so angry or to behave so badly. That they regretted their actions and criticised themselves, feeling like a horrible person.

The fallout from their outburst had long-reaching, negative consequences, too: bridges burned, relationships ruined, team dynamics wrecked, and opportunities lost.

Is it Really Difficult?

My nightmare meeting eventually led to me leaving the family-approved engineering career and training to become a therapist and coach, which is what I’d always wanted to do anyway. Not such a bad outcome for me.

But as I studied psychology and human behaviour, I came to realise that the difficult people, including myself in that awful moment, are actually triggered people. Their nervous systems have been triggered into the fight state by some stressor.

In the fight state, your IQ drops by a whopping 13 points (10-15%), and you’re not thinking clearly. The behaviour regulation part of the brain is under-functioning; hence, you blurt out things you don’t mean to say. You make poor decisions. Emotional regulation is also diminished; anger rushes like a wave over you, and you’re instantly more suspicious of others and hostile towards them.

As I found too, you may not return to a calm, balanced state for several hours. That one unchecked moment ruins the rest of your day.

Let’s Look Again

Instead of assuming that you’re a horrible person or have a flawed personality, what if you looked directly at the driver? The fight state is a normal, physiological reaction to a perceived survival threat.

When you are under a lot of stress, your resilience to more stress is reduced, and even small events are more likely to trigger the fight state. Instead of seeing your behaviour as an indictment of your character, and beating yourself up for it, see it as a sign that you are currently over-stressed.

Now, you have a straightforward problem to solve. You can put your energy into finding ways to reduce your stress, as a way to prevent getting so triggered.

When You are Triggered

Pay attention to your irritation. If you find yourself being just ‘prickly’, that is a sign your system is sliding into a fight state. Stress is cumulative, and you can catch it before it gets too bad.

Any time you find yourself triggered to any degree, use a process called The Power Reset to get yourself calm and balanced within a couple of minutes. Check it out in this issue of this newsletter.

Transformational leaders are those who can regulate their nervous system better than most. - ESADE Business School, 2012 Research

Furthermore, deep transformational work will change the brain's perception of old triggers so that they no longer cause a nervous system response. This means you don't have to struggle to stay calm, it becomes effortless. (It also proves that this is not a personality flaw).

When You See This in Others

Maybe it’s not you, but you have a team member, colleague, or boss who goes into the fight state. First, recognise that this is not their personality. The vast majority of people don’t want to be angry and shout. It's not the real them - it's the triggered version. Then, realise it is a reaction to stress, and explore what you can do to help reduce the stress.

Note that we’re not excusing or condoning unprofessional behaviour; we're merely understanding it. That person will still be held responsible for the consequences of their actions. And they can't blame others for causing their behaviour either.

But instead of writing them off as a bad penny, you can explore how to reduce this person's stressors, and maybe even teach them how to get calm again quickly.

Forbes Magazine has identified compassionate leadership as a key business theme for 2025. Understanding the drivers for ‘difficult’ behaviour helps you be more compassionate. It allows you to solve the problem stresses that cause it, and steer clear of blame or resentment towards them, and indeed towards yourself.

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What I’ve loved this week:

This week, very late to the party, I’ve started making TikTok videos. The platform has shifted from a kid's dance and play site to a business amplification site. I’ve been challenged to post three videos a day for 30 days (good grief!). OK, challenge accepted! I’ll let you know how it goes.

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An action step you can do this week …

Pay attention to whether you get into the fight state (or the other two, flight or freeze). As soon as you notice, do the Power Reset to get out of it fast. Then observe what happens? next. You may be pleasantly surprised.

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I’ll explore tools for regulating the nervous system in future issues too.

Do subscribe and share!

I’m Tara Halliday, creator of the Inner Success – a one-to-one leader's transformation programme that creates effortless confidence, unflappable calm, compassionate leadership, improved emotional intelligence and resilient authenticity.

Message me, or book a chat here: https://calendly.com/completesuccess/30min

Have an excellent, refreshing and recharging weekend and enjoy the holidays!

Tara

P.S. Thank you for reading to the end of the newsletter, I appreciate your interest and attention!

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