What You Appreciate Appreciates

Typically, at this time of year, you read articles about how to communicate with challenging personalities--some family members and people you are obliged to surround yourself with at the holidays.

What a difference a global pandemic makes.

The CDC is suggesting you follow strict guidelines. Families are being asked to stay in “their bubble”. They recommend only dining and congregating with people you live with. If you have guests, stay far apart, wear masks, etc….

So, for most, it’s turkey for two, or 6, or even just one. The holidays will not be the same and will give you extra time. The question is, “what will you do with it”?

If you’re graced with warmer weather, you might get in a hike or bike ride and, of course, a holiday meal. But then what?

You might be relieved not to have to spend time with challenging people over the holidays, but you might also consider some of those people and then do what you can do to improve your relationship with them.

You may have that “crazy” Uncle Eddy or that sister who won’t stop talking and rubs you the wrong way. You probably know you can’t change anyone but yourself. This is a foundational rule of effective communication. And it is why so many relationships, at home and at work, remain strained.

If you truly want different results and better relationships (maybe you don’t--be honest!) there are steps you can take to build stronger bonds with people you really might miss if they never show up again at a holiday gathering.

Here are those steps; a process you can follow. It includes both awareness and action steps.

Start by taking a deep breath. Think about the people you struggle communicating with. Now choose one. You may not want to choose the one you have the MOST trouble with. Instead, pick someone you wish you could become closer with as you learn this process.

1.    Begin by noticing your thoughts about this person. Do you have assumptions? Expectations? Are they high or low? What is your attitude about this person?

2.    Now, take another deep breath and think about one thing you appreciate about this person. If a bad attitude or lower expectations of this person tries to creep in, notice it and push those thoughts aside. Is there one thing this person has done that has been heart-warming? Brilliant? Where might the two of you be aligned?

3.    From here, take another deep breath and contrast your negative and positive perspectives about this person. If you like, write them down to become clear. On another breath, try to make an updated choice of how you view and value this person. Notice negative thoughts trying to creep in again. Thank those thoughts and set them aside. Refocus on the appreciation, for 20 seconds if possible.

4.    Finally, trust yourself that the process of breaking the communication “habit” of old assumption and antiquated thinking takes time. And action. So, consider one thing you could say to this person to show that you appreciate them. Once you say the words and talk, stay silent for a while and notice their demeanor.

Repeat.

Today you might not be able to work through this PACT process (Person, Appreciate, Choice, Talk) face to face, but we have a long holiday season ahead. We also have cell phones and Zoom! It’s my guess you might have more than one person with whom you could practice.

It is such an evolutionary time. There is much that is unpredictable and out of our control. What we can control is the idea that people can evolve. We can’t force that concept on anyone, but we can control how we evolve…and think and communicate, and how we would like to move forward as a more effective communicator in the days, months and years ahead.

“What you appreciate, appreciates”. Lynne Twist

Donna Rustigian Mac is Founder & President of iVoice Communication. She coaches and trains individuals and the workforce how to navigate complex presentations and crucial conversations. Donna is also a motivational speaker and certified mindfulness teacher. She’s the author of Guide to a Richer Life, Know Your Worth, Find Your Voice, Speak Your Truth as well as The Six Pillars of Effective Communication.