What are You Afraid of? And What’s It Costing You?

In my?recent podcast conversation with Jacqueline Wales, we discussed how fear often holds us back from doing the things that we know we should be doing. The thing about fears is that we all have them, and they’re typically related to some story we’ve grown up telling ourselves, either as a result of our family of origin or some other monumental event in our lives.

The Three Most Common Fears

In my experience, there are three fears that most commonly rear their ugly heads in the workplace:

Fear of Conflict

We often avoid situations or difficult conversations because we’re afraid, ultimately, of what people are going to do during that event. There are two outcomes that we are most afraid of.?First, we fear that during the confrontation something will happen to result in a permanently damaged relationship; our connection will suffer some sort of irreparable harm.?Alternatively, we may fear the other person’s anger or rage. Those who grew up in a tumultuous household usually identify with this. They want to avoid the extreme emotion of the other person and having to deal with it.?As a result, we avoid these conversations and look for the harmonious way out.?This fear costs us relationships rooted in mutual accountability, respect and candor.?

Fear of Change

Many of us often resist taking on new projects or moving to new roles because we have a fear of change. This is a fear rooted in uncertainty; we have no idea what’s going to happen next. In the absence of knowing, people assume the worst.?This fear is rooted in the loss of control.?For those of us who had very unstable or unpredictable home lives growing up (e.g., financial instability, parental instability, natural disasters) this fear might resonate.?When we find ourselves in “unscripted situations” (e.g., new place, new role, new expectations), we recognize we’re no longer in control and this fear can be triggered.?That’s a vulnerable place to be, and vulnerable can be scary.?The cost of this fear is adventure, exploration and resilience.?We stick to our routines to a fault.?In short, this fear prevents us from ever stretching our life experiences and encountering the “new.”

Fear of Failure

We can probably all think of a time we experienced a fear of failure. We’re afraid that we are going to try something new and that we won’t be able to achieve what we set out to do. Then what??We’re afraid people won’t view us the same because we failed. We fear we won’t be able to recover our reputations with them or be able to prove to ourselves that we’re okay.?This fear is ultimately rooted in a fear of rejection that is also rooted in our childhood.?This fear is most commonly a by-product of those childhoods in which we failed to get the recognition or acceptance from one or more parent, either as a result of high-standards or their selfish pursuits. This fear reminds me of the quote from the movie Talladega Nights when the character Ricky Bobby, played by Will Farrell, remembers being a young boy and his dad telling him, “If you are not first, you are last.”?This fear can have us turn down the promotion, avoid the opportunity to speak at the big conference (or to the senior executive team), or take on the high-visibility, low-probability-of-success assignment.?In short, this fear costs us growth.?We stay stuck in our safe, but confining, box.?

Three Steps to Combatting Your Biggest Fears

Now that we’ve identified these fears and admitted we all have them, what are we going to do about them? Well, friends, now is the moment of truth. It’s time to face the fears themselves. We muster up the courage and actually turn around and combat the monster head-on. It’s the Harry faces Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest, Rocky steps into the ring with Drago moment. Officer Ripley takes on the alien in the hyper chamber. You get what I mean. We’ve got to face the fear — and I’ve got three steps on how to do it.

First, Script Out the Scenario?

The first step is to identify what is it,?exactly, you’re actually afraid of in this situation? You must dig in and truly figure it out. This requires you to think about the scenario creating your anxiety and play it out in your mind or even better write it out on paper or in a Word doc. Who or what are the players? What is at stake? Do you fear rejection? Do you fear being embarrassed? Feeling inadequate??Then take a moment to consider, what is the worst case that could happen in this situation? What is the best? What does it look like when facing the situation goes poorly? What happens when it goes well??Write out both scenes, or play them in your mind. Let yourself feel the emotion in each. Notice what you do differently in each scene that leads to the outcomes you prefer.?For an additional challenge, explore where that fear comes from and other ways it has manifested itself in your life.?

Second, Seek Accountability & Encouragement

In his book “Triggers,” Marshall Goldsmith explores the factors that keep us stuck and explains that most people who are successful in making lasting change often require the help of a third party — a coach, a therapist or accountability partner.?Find that person for yourself. A spouse, someone similarly situated in your industry, a mentor, or colleague who will provide gentle but candid feedback and encouragement.?In addition to accountability and encouragement, the true benefit of this person is to shine a light on the irrational nature of your fears and to provide you an objective and rational view of what the likely outcome is going to be (e.g., “If you present to the senior leadership team, I promise you are not going to die.?What you will get is a fantastic opportunity for exposure and to share your point of view with top leadership.”)?If you can’t find someone for “free,” consider hiring a coach or therapist.

Note you’ll likely need both accountability and encouragement to take on the fear. It’s like walking on hot coals. Someone pushing you to walk on hot coals isn’t going to make you do it better or want to do it. Someone asking, “Did you do it?” isn’t going to help either.?You need the assurance of someone who can share with you how they’ve walked the coals themselves and lived — and that you can, too. On his trip to face Voldemort, Harry Potter needed encouragement from the ghosts and assurance they would be with him. When you’re dealing with the emotion of fear, accountability is not enough; You may likely need to borrow strength from someone else.

Lastly, Be Sure to Journal/Record the Experience

Once you’ve faced the intimidating circumstance, conversation, or person, the third step is to record it. Ask yourself, “What went well?” and “What didn’t?” How would you approach the situation differently in the future, knowing what you know now? This reflective exercise will prepare you for similar circumstances you’ll undoubtedly face in the future and will provide you proof that you have done this in the past — and that you can do it again when required.

The Big Picture of Confronting Fear

You may be asking yourself, “Why?” Why do we have to go through these painful confrontations anyway? Why not just continue to avoid them? Well, obviously, you could. But at what cost? If we want to be stuck and never evolve, then avoidance is fine. But doing so leaves us stunted. In her revolutionary book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” Harvard researcher Carol Dweck writes,

“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives.”

So, stretch yourself! Face that fear. Have that difficult conversation. Take on that new role. And know that even your attempt at doing so is your investment today in a better version of you tomorrow.