What Working With Living,Dying and The Bereaved Taught Me.

What working with the Living ,Dying and Bereaved has taught me

I've worked within bereavement and loss for over 35 years. People often ask me “Why bereavement?” I can only say that it wasn’t something I planned; rather it seemed every route I took led me to the same work. I've worked with all sorts of people facing all sorts of circumstances, I feel very privileged to have been allowed into the lives and deaths of others. I've visited and supported families who have been suddenly bereaved in traumatic circumstances. I’ve sat with people facing terminal illness and I’ve supported their children and families through illness ,death and grief.What have I learned? That’s what I want to share with you. I’ve learned that no matter how much you read in a book or study, the one thing you must have if you wish to truly connect to another human being is love. You must really care about others and be prepared to sit in their space without assumption, direction, comparison or judgement. Recognise that we, each of us, are truly unique individuals and that although there may be threads of similarity, we are each on our own individual journey.How we connect and react to others is also unique.

It’s always been important to me that I be who I am, just as I am. For me it’s about being human, recognising my limitations, drawing on my life experiences. Being present, without pretence. My life so far has been interesting, my childhood was colourful, most of my early years were spent moving around. I lived with many different families, different cultures, values and religions. This has given me a wealth of life experience to draw upon. I am proud to say I’ve never learned my times tables (but I managed to learn the rhythmic tune well enough ) I can’t spell – thank the lord for spell checker and I don’t always adhere to rules – especially if they are made to inhibit and restrict my innovative and creative nature. I’m a people person. I care deeply about others and how they manage when adversity strikes.

This honesty, I believe has enabled me to experience the most trusting of relationships. I think sometimes we can get caught up in our position believing that more study, letters after our name, job title will ultimately say that we are an authority on the subject of lives of others and how they tick. Really – I wonder? Can we ever realistically know how it feels to be someone else? I think if we are as transparent as we can be and if we are prepared to really listen ,we may get a glimpse of the reality of others- perhaps in some small way - how it feels to be them.

So here’s my list of life lessons, things I’d like to share with you, especially if you are working in the field of bereavement.

1 Be human, be yourself, be honest

2. Don’t be obsessive about job titles or badges or clothing – people facing the most traumatic sad times are not interested in these things

3. Living and Dying are not 9-5 activities – be available

4. Don’t be afraid of failure – be inquisitive and use your experiences to grow

5. Don’t expect too much of others or of yourself

6. If you don’t know something – say so … you are not an encyclopaedia

7. Recognise individuality – your own and that of others

8. Try not to use comparisons allow people their own story – it is unique

9. Play often, Laugh often, Cry often ,embrace your emotions – understanding these will enable you to understand and to connect with the feelings of others more easily.

10. Embrace the past it is a building block of who you are and a richness of experience to draw upo

11. Sometimes less is more. In some circumstances we can connect with another in just 5 mins and that connection is enough

12 Value yourself, there are always going to be those who criticise you, try not to criticise yourself.

13 Never say just …. You are never just anything. Stand tall be proud, you are an important part of an amazing world.

14 Be Creative – I’ve never understood the need for masses of equipment or ‘stuff’ Use your imagination – it is a fantastic tool with endless possibilities especially when working with children

I have felt very privileged to have made so many wonderful connections. I've met some amazing people, listened to their stories, cried and laughed, shared some extraordinary and intimate moments these will remain with me for the rest of my days.

I’ve been told I am disruptive and outspoken. Yippee!.

Most importantly I will continue to care passionately about my work and hopefully to encourage others to be simply HUMAN ?