What Work Life Balance Really Is

Work life balance.... we keep talking about how to have it yet most people are still trying to achieve it. Why is it so hard to find?

The problem is that work life balance isn't what most people think it is. And so they end up focusing on all the wrong things (and almost never focus on the few things that will bring real balance to their lives).

I've written before about the common work life balance myths and misconceptions that lead people astray, so won't go into depth about it again.

Instead, lets talk today about the three KEY things that must be present to achieve real balance in your life. Things that might surprise you yet will make a lot of sense once you you're introduced to them.

Top 5 Reasons for Feeling Out-of-Balance

Work life balance used to come up ALL THE TIME in my legal career (for me, my colleagues, my clients, and those I mentored). And it's a common complaint of my coaching clients.

What I've noticed is that, when you dig deeply enough, there are 5 common causes for why people feel so out-of-balanced. When it comes to wanting a more balanced life, people fall into one (or more) of the following categories:

Lack of Purpose and Fulfillment

This is one of the most common complaints that I get and often shows up in one or more of the following ways:

• having lost sight of what you’re passionate about (you may have once felt passionate about your career, but no longer do and feel lost as a result);
• feeling unmotivated (you probably hit snooze A LOT in the morning, dreading the day ahead);
• feeling directionless (kind of like you’re a ship lost on a becalmed sea) and craving to know your path forward;
• needing more meaning and purpose in your life (you probably have no idea what gives you purpose); and/or
• wanting to make a bigger impact in the world while thinking “what’s the point” to what you’re doing now.

Trying to Do and Have "It All"

For whatever reason, many professionals (especially women) have been convinced that they can do it all.  What's worse, is that they believe they want it all (whatever that means).

The problem with this is that it's impossible. Besides, you DON'T want to have or do it all because it leads to:

• feeling out of control;
• chronic stress and overwhelm; and
• feeling unmotivated and without energy.
• chronically stressed and overwhelmed

Go long enough trying to do/have it all, and you’ll end up in the unfulfilled category too.

Living a Life of “Shoulds”

Living a life of “shoulds” is when you base your goals and decisions on (1) what you believe is expected of you or (2) what you believe you should want or do (as opposed to what you really want).

Too much of this often leads to trying to do and have it all (because you’ll try to fit in what you want and what everyone else wants of you). But that’s not sustainable. And so you end up dropping your priorities and lose sight of what you really want (and then end up in the lack of purpose category).

Moreover, this often leads to:

• feeling like you have little to no control over your life;
• uncertainty as to whether you’re making the right decisions (and then second-guessing them to death); and
• feeling resentful while being chronically stressed.

Improper Prioritization

So many professionals try to prioritize virtually everything. And if this is you, please understand that when you prioritize everything (or virtually everything), you’re prioritizing nothing. Not prioritizing properly leads to:

• chronic stress and overwhelm;
• having to constantly fight fires (which then means putting stuff off you wanted to get done until they become fires too);
• having zero time for yourself (because self-care often falls to the bottom of your overly long to-do list); and
• getting very little done even though you feel like you’re working extremely hard all the time.

Being a Yes Machine to Everyone (Except to Yourself)

Yes people have trouble saying no to anyone (other than themselves, of course). Often, this is because of guilt or a misguided belief that saying yes is required for success (I find that many lawyers believe this).

Here’s the thing: saying yes to everyone else means saying no to yourself. Again and again. And that leads to:

• resentment that you’re prioritizing everyone’s priorities over your own;
• little to no self-care, which (of course!) leads to increased stress, low energy, and even guilt around not taking proper care of yourself; and
• feeling drained by life.

What Work Life Balance Really Means

Notice anything about the common work life balance causes? [Hint: it's not really about balance].

What is it about? Choice. How you make choices for yourself and live your life.

If you look deeply at the themes that keep showing up when it comes to work life balance, you can boil them down into three big themes (that I like to call the three P's):

• Purpose
• Peace
• Prosperity of time, energy, and spirit.

You need all three for a well-balanced life.

What's Purpose Got to Do With Balance?

Balance is all about how you feel. And if you don't understand what brings meaning to your life or do what's necessary to accomplish that, you'll NEVER feel balanced. That's why understanding what gives you meaning and purpose in life is so important.

Unfortunately, trying to find purpose trips many people up. It sounds heavy, scary, and unattainable without big changes to your life.  But contrary to what many in the self-help world want you to believe, there’s no such thing as finding your one purpose or passion.

What gives you purpose and meaning can change over the course of your life. You’ll grow and learn over time and circumstances change (which influence you). And there are many things that can give you purpose (and lots that you can be passionate about).

The good news is that finding purpose is simpler than you think. Here’s how you derive purpose in life:

1. Understanding what motivates you (a/k/a your core values) and aligning how you live with them.
2. Utilizing your unique strengths, talents, and skills into your work and life in a way that you enjoy.
3. Connecting with people – on a deep level – by being curious about those around you, listening to them intently, and striving to understand and empathize with them. Our current society has devalued connection to the detriment of us all (and it’s leading you to feel less fulfilled).

How Feeling at Peace Leads to a Well Balanced Life

Feeling balanced includes feeling at peace with yourself and your life in general. And that’s all about:

• being at peace with your decisions (because you know what motivates you, what you want out of your life and career, and are prioritizing those things that you believe are true priorities);
• accepting yourself for who you are (this comes only with true understanding about what motivates you);
• having a calm, present, and focused mind.

To start feeling at peace:

1. Emphasize practices to become more aware of your internal thoughts and feelings (such as meditation and other mindfulness exercises) – and deal with them appropriately instead of ignoring them or pushing them away. 
2. Get crystal clear around your values. They are what drive you and will be a good guide for (a) what you want out of your life and career, (b) making decisions you'll feel good about, and (c) what's a true priority (and what isn't). If you're not sure how to figure that out, I've got you covered below.
3. Utilize proven methods for creating a calm, present mind. If you need help with this (and also #1 above), I recommend this Guide that includes 8 proven strategies for feeling more calm, confident, and emotionally in control.

Part of what makes this possible is your mindset. Work to shift your mentality into one that’s more growth-oriented. This will help you to act with more confidence while moving beyond your fear and self-doubt.

What Prosperity Has to do With Being Well Balanced

You probably think of being prosperous as primarily a monetary concept. But there’s more to it – which is what this is all about. 

When you’re prosperous from a work life balance standpoint, you’re prosperous in time, energy, and spirit.  And that means:

• having enough time for your true priorities;
• feeling energized and motivated to get up in the morning (instead of feeling drained by your life); and
• feeling good about who you are and how you make decisions for yourself and your family.

The only way you get to this place is by making tough choices... the right ones for you based on what you really want out of your life and career. Luckily, this naturally occurs by satisfying the purpose and peace pieces of the puzzle.

The good news is that doing these things will build up your self-confidence levels and make you more mentally resilient (hence enabling you to make the tough choices needed to create a well-balanced life).

Your Next Steps to Finding Real Work Life Balance

So there you have it! Balance isn't about all the stuff we keep talking about (like time management, being more productive, and having more workplace flexibility).

It's about understanding yourself deeply and then making the choice to live in a way that satisfies your purpose, gives you peace, and makes you more prosperous in time, energy, and spirit.

Although this new definition is more complex than the traditional one, that’s a good thing because so are you and your life. And this new framework gives you the ability to individualize it to your life and what you want out of it.

Ready to start living with more purpose, peace, and prosperity now? Download this powerful 5-step workbook to discover your core values and how to start aligning your life around them.

This article is being reprinted in part and first appeared on the Course Correction Coaching blog at What Work Life Balance Means When You're Used to a High-Stress Lifestyle.