What We Need To STOP Children From Learning! (And what they must learn instead...)

One of the most memorable things a child ever said to me was “I hate learning”. It was all the more poignant because this wasn’t in school, it was in a breakdancing group that he’d chosen to go to. He wanted to know how to breakdance, but decided it wasn’t an option - because he 'hated learning'.

But today's musing isn’t about young people’s attitudes to education or being educated. This interaction sprang to mind because of so many conversations I have that come back to what’s ‘wrong’: either with a child, or, more accurately, what’s going wrong for them.

But, while the latter is more helpful, and often essential reframe, we still tend to hear far more about what's 'wrong' than right with a child: what their unique strengths, gifts and qualities are.

How much energy, time and resources actually go into helping young people strengthen their strengths?

Some of the organisations I partner with are apprehensive about this approach; why would you focus more on strengths, especially when there are so many weaknesses to address and gaps to fill?

And I’m not saying that we should do nothing to help children who are struggling in whatever ways we can.

But, well intended as they always are, there’s a sound argument that the deficit-based approaches that are common practice - in homes, schools and everything in between – can hinder and harm far more than they help.

Because when we keep drawing children’s attention to where they’re failing or what they can’t do, or can’t do well enough - whatever our reason for doing so – they internalise that.

While they're learning to?'catch up' in maths, or to manage their anger, or to be a better reader, what they're learning about themselves is?“I'm behind at maths”, “I can’t control myself”, “I’m rubbish at reading”…

Enter the not-so-wonderful world of ‘Learned Helplessness’ (ref. Martin Seligman). In short, what it means is that, when an experience?reinforces a belief, often enough and for long enough, all our brains - not just children's -?become automatically programmed to take that as truth.

We'll stop?challenging it, and instead?develop an identity based on those beliefs: So when the child didn’t do well in the spelling test, “It's because?I'm no?good at spelling”.

Lost your temper again? “I can’t help it, I’ve got an anger-management problem”.

Given up halfway through the page? “There's no point because I’m too slow”.

So what’s the antidote to Learned Helplessness?

One of my favourite mantras, counterintuitive as it may feel, is this: “Strengthening Strengths Manages Weakness”.

The premise is simple; the child learns?to?feel capable. The internalise messages in the environment?that reinforce their?beliefs about what they can do, more than what they can't?(AKA?'strengths-based feedback').

And when the odds stack in favour of?feeling powerful more than powerless,?they build up ‘ego-strength’. Regardless of the?flaws and weaknesses that may still exist, their self-identity is of?being a competent human.

Then, and usually?only then, does risking failure start to feel less threatening. Making an effort without a guaranteed result becomes more palatable. Challenge and discomfort can be tolerated, possibly accepted, maybe even welcomed.

It doesn’t matter how seemingly insignificant the strength or qualities you notice in a young person, just let the child know:

“Thank you for holding the door open, that was very kind of you”.

“That was an interesting idea, I’m pleased you shared it with us”.

“That looked like hard work, I appreciate you trying”.

Be really specific. Then the child?knows you’re really talking about them. And those?who are more vulnerable and/or resistant to praise?are more likely to?believe you that way.?

Sharing feedback which helps strengthen a child's?strengths - and with it their self-esteem, self-belief, their intrinsic motivation and their engagement, can be as simple as this;

“You really help me when…”

“Something wonderful I’ve noticed about you is…”

“I appreciate you for…”

“You should feel very proud of yourself because…” (pride generates the healthiest brain-biochemical cocktail possible).

See what happens when your children learn more about what's right with them than what's wrong ??

Until next time,?

Jo?

PS) My resource?Pip & Acorn's Little Notes?is designed for all of these reasons, so your strengths-based feedback can be:

??Discrete, because not all feedback should be broadcasted

??Non-verbal: no?conversations (or rebuffing!) necessary

??Physical and tangible, so the child can revisit it anytime

? Fast:?they?can take less than a minute to use

If you want a 15% discount code with FREE delivery, reply YES and I'll send it to you.