What if we looked at the Heard:Depp trial inclusively?

On June 2nd, I turned 39.

On June 1st, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp's harrowing courtroom tale came to an end...

...for now.

Last week, I was prompted to share a post by an inspiring new connection of mine. The share turned into this article. Read the post here.

I happened to be in bed with COVID during a week of the trial.

Foolishly, as it triggered some lingering trauma responses, I watched a lot of it. Not so foolish, I suppose, given I am now healing another layer.

I resonated with the abuse Amber Heard experienced.

I watched more.

I resonated with the abuse Johnny Depp experienced.

I watched more still.

I felt sick and uncomfortable.

I saw the lies. I heard the insincerity.

I felt the pain.

But did I really see the whole picture?

Trial by Fire in a Public Courtroom

This trial was supposed to be about proving defamation.

In the media, it was about mockery and abuse....

to sell newspapers and go viral.

Having followed these events for some time, I believe Amber Heard wanted to cripple Johnny Depp. In one of the first videos I saw of the vodka bottle during the UK case, I noticed the goading and staging. I saw the intent to upset, to enrage and to incite.

Hurt people, hurt people.

I believe also that Amber Heard suffered greatly, enduring the actions and behaviours of a man whose own traumatic experiences were easier left unfelt at the bottom of bottles and ends of joints. In her examples, the ones which came across truthfully, I heard some of my own experiences.

I believe more than anything that there are two sides to every story.

It was well-evidenced that Depp had damage intentions of his own.

Ready...Aim...Fire

#triggerwarning!

I have been screamed at in the middle of the night, thrown down on surfaces, left alone after a nightclub to find my way home in places I've never been. I've been bitten, pushed, belittled, and betrayed....been narcissistically abused by someone whose trauma was easier left unfelt at the bottom of bottles and ends of joints.

Was this behaviour acceptable?

Absolutely not.

Was it justified in any way, whether I knowing or unknowingly behaved in ways which may have triggered it?

Never.

Can I blame and vilify the person completely?

I cannot.

Before you vilify me, take a breath.

Women have been conditioned to be kind, to take care of others, to believe they have to stay in abusive environments - work and home - because it's wrong to leave, it's wrong to put ourselves first, it's shameful to say...

Enough is enough. I deserve better than this!

Yet so have many men.

I didn't deserve the treatment I received. It was abusive.

Am I perfectly innocent?

No.

Does it make me an imperfect victim?

No.

Does perfection of state matter?

No.

There are two sides to every coin, entrances to every path (well, almost every path...not so much in caves, before you argue with me...)

....two charges to every battery, an up to a down, a yes to a no...

There is another option, another side

....a choice!

(*Note, I am not speaking here about attack and assault. They are a different coin.)

I stayed in that relationship for 6 years, ignoring warnings from my inner child, my gut, my partners' friends.

It wasn't the first time.

My teenage home life conditioned me to believe I needed to stay, to...

"stand by his side because everyone else had given up on him..."

...as he used to say to convince me to stick around.

He did try going to a therapy centre. To this day, I don't know if that was all an act.

I asked him to leave and took him back, over and over.

He left.

I learned he'd cheated.

I took him back, a low, (according to my confident self's morals), I would never have stooped to.

Stuck in the MUDdled Argument...

This is where the discussion gets tricky...where I risk being admonished by staunch feminists who want to blame men, who want to blame our patriarchal society...and we do live in one...for all the abuse women suffer through.

Yes, there are men who intend to abuse.

There are also women.

Laying blame on either side stokes the already disproportionately large bonfire.

The point of contention, from my perspective, is not whether there are more men than women who abuse, or that women have been conditioned to stay silent in abuse. Like it or not, it is men who must be convinced to step up, speak out, and stand strong in the face of the backlash they too will suffer for standing by us. No matter how they word their arguments, somebody will find a way to barrage them for it. This recent post by a husband supporting his wife, a working mother, is the perfect example.

He received abuse for posting it.

Abuse, in all of its forms, is as complex as post-traumatic stress.

It is multi-layered and multi-faceted.

Laying blame on either side stokes the already disproportionately large bonfire.

I had to learn to put myself first.

To find the confidence to leave.

To be willing to step back and ask myself....

how did you get to this point, Christine?

To ask myself what needed to change IN ME to ensure I never went there again.

Trauma runs deep. It etches itself into our core processors. Helps us keep ourselves safe.

We continue to experience its effects, mentally, somatically and emotionally until we become aware of its presence, until we recognise how it shows up in our behaviour, on our bodies.

As Gabor Maté says,

"Trauma is not what happens to you. It's what happens inside you as a result of what's happened to you."

The Ripple Effect of Vulnerability...

In February 2022, I stood on the TEDx stage and shared some of my story. After doing so, I went into rebound, that compression of fear and shame we feel after doing something brave which others will judge, may ridicule, and which may result in us having to hide away from the world forevermore.

Then, I got one message, and another, and another. From women and men, sharing their experiences with me, opening up a space for themselves to release their stories and step into a new glaring gap to create the future they desire.

On Saturday, 25th June 2022, my interview for the first ever Radical Self-care Summit goes live. I talked to Cara, the organiser, about my approach to turning FEAR into FORCE, which I'll write about in a future article.

I have lived my life being courageous. In fact, my first tattoo was the Chinese symbol of bravery. (Yes, it's the real symbol!)

Much of my teenage life was lived in uncertainty. I didn't have it as bad as many, but I don't allow that to stop me from acknowledging the abuse I experienced.

Nor do I stand on a pedestal of blame.

Not anymore.

Abusers are usually victims of trauma and abuse themselves.

We can sit back on comfortable couches and throw judgemental blame at Johnny Depp, at Amber Heard. We can rip them apart separately for their actions.

Or, we can sit forwards, look in a mirror, and ask ourselves....

What happened in their lives which brought them to this point?

• What must each have suffered to end up staying for so long, self-flagellating over and over until one whip finally broke and set them free?
• What is happening in my life or the lives of those around me which may result in someone I love living like this?
• What can I do to make sure my loved ones know there is always a choice, and always someone ready and willing to help?

It's hard when traumatised to take a balanced perspective.

It's even harder when still suffering its after effects.

Taking on the pains of the world of female trauma is too big a burden for anyone to carry, any one or any sex (if you subscribe to sex).

Please don't get me wrong, I understand the feeling of being marginalised, and the need to be seen, heard and treated with equality over unjust standards, but...

Laying blame on either side stokes the already disproportionately large bonfire.

I choose to take as measured a perspective I can of this epic tale.

I choose to acknowledge how repressed traumatic experiences can transform into domestic and substance abuse, resulting in the public dramatisation of two human souls' lives, two souls who were once in love but found their way to anger, mistrust and revenge.

I choose to apportion equal value to each side of the coin.

I choose to believe that both sides played a role.

I choose to hope that telling their stories so publicly has helped them in some way heal, and that seeing their story played out has helped somebody watching change theirs.

I choose to view the Heard:Depp experience inclusively.

How about you?

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If you'd like to listen to my 180 Self-care interview, it's part of Saturday's talks. There are many others from some incredibly inspiring people across the globe! I'm not sure of the time it goes live, but you can sign up here. (*For transparency, this is an affiliate link for upgrades, but summit attendance is free.) I'll also be on Clubhouse at 12 o'clock BST in the 180 Self-care Club answering questions with my co-speakers.

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